Why Did You Leave?

OrangeBird

As someone struggling with whether or not leaving was the right decision (currently 7 months pregnant), I'm curious as to what reasons others had for leaving their baby's father?  Is it normal to have mixed feelings and to feel guilty about not providing a two-parent home?

PrettyInPearls23

I remember writing a post on my anniversary board on TN about how my XH was leaving me. I was numb while writing the entire post until I got to the part about how DS would come from a "broken" home. I had uncontrollable tears running down my face. Looking back, I realize that's what hurt me more than my husband leaving me and immediately dating his co-worker (who he SAYS he wasn't having an affair with ::eyeroll::). I grew up with two parents who really love each other and I couldn't fathom my son coming from a home without both parents.

That was 2 years ago. It only took 3 short months of being separated from my XH to realize that he had no intentions on making our marriage work -- he was just too lazy to file the papers. I filed for divorce, completely content with the idea that my son would have two homes. He's not a produce of a broken home -- he's a little boy who is loved so much by both of his parents. Parents who have two separate lives, and a momma who is 100000x happier than she's been in years.

It's completely normal to have mixed feelings, with guilt being one of them. The whole process is an exhausting emotional roller coaster. When you finally make the decision to leave, it's a huge accomplishment. The hardest step is the first one.

ashleyann331

Its totally normal to have mixed feeling, its two HUGE life decisions to make at one time.You just need to make a decision and stick with it. I have this rule with myself that I don't do things irrationally, I think it all through for a few days and start planning what I need to do to make that decision happen. Once I decided something and started doing it I don't go back or change my mind, it just makes things harder. Even though I totally have feelings of "what if" or "maybe" at times still.

I decided to leave (well, more or less finally got tired of his threats of leaving me or telling me to get out then him begging me to stay and saying he would change) after I realized that everything he had promised to stop doing or change was not going to happen. I actually didn't know the whole story, just part of it when I decided to leave so needless to say I'm VERY glad I left him. After I moved out I then found out about the other other women (yes that is multiple other women) all the lies, and where the money that was supposedly going to bills was really going where as I figured he was just a controlling manipulative jerk when I moved out. I knew it wasn't going to work out between he and I and if I couldn't leave him for myself to have a better life then I needed to do it for my baby. My STBXH is not the best of people, and he isn't capable of being a decent human being, let alone a decent father. My child deserves better than that. Plus sometimes people parent better separated than they do together.

FyreFlyeRush

Because I'm not a piece of property to be owned, nor do I bow down to bullies who use scare tactics and threats to get what they want. I've never felt guilty about not providing a two parent family. My son will be raised to believe women are equals, and treat them with respect. I'm something of a feminist, and that attitude sent me running. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I'm not accepted for who I am. (Still a bit touchy about it!)

My anthem: "You don't own me. I'm not just one of your many toys. You don't own me. Don't tell me I can't go with other boys. And don't tell me what to do, and tell me what to say. And please when I go out with you, don't put mr on display." 

kmartinez80

I had allowed myself to be abused (physically, verbally, emotionally, etc.) for way too long and I finally reached my breaking point when I witnessed XH starting to abuse our DD (who was not even 4 months old at the time). My XH just lost it at one point and I knew if I stayed any longer that DD and/or I wouldn't be alive much longer. I know it sounds dramatic, but there's no doubt in my mind he would have killed one or both of us. XH also has some mental health issues that he stopped managing and he also had issues with alcohol likely stemming from the mental health issues. Ultimately, it just wasn't safe for me or DD if I stayed in the marriage.

kellymarie68

I just left my SO last week. I went back and forth throughout my entire pregnancy. Finally after returning from maternity leave last week, it hit me how much I'm doing this on my own. When I talked to SO about it (for the 10000000000 time) he basically told me he didn't want to work on things so our relationship could work. Since I ended it, he has totally gone off his rocker. It's not easy to be a single parent and it's certainly not easy to fight for your child's safety but it is COMPLETELY WORTH IT. In just a week, I am so much happier than I was before and I am better able to care for my daughter because of it. I have a long fight ahead of me and I am sad that my daughter will live in a one parent home (for the time being) but it'll be much better than if I had stayed with him unhappy.

achase123

I think the mixed feelings are completely normal.  Sometimes you wonder if it really is bad enough to justify breaking up the "traditional family".

I know that my decision was based on the fact that my XH was lying, cheating, using drugs, and essentially living a double life.  HOWEVER, we were wrong for eachother and I had always known that in my heart of hearts.  When I found everything out, I was pregnant and it definitely was not an opportune time to file for divorce.  Still, I KNEW it was the right decision, in the pit of my soul.  I have never been more certain about anything in my entire life.

Why are you thinking of leaving?

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kayladay

I left my soon to be ex husband in Feb. and filed for divore last month. I had mixed feelings about it and still do. But I know this is best for me and my son. Just some of the reasons I left is because he was abusive more so emotionally and mentally but he had put his hands on me before. He would also stay out all night even esp when I was 8 months pregnant and I got tired of it. He works for his dad and his dad stopped paying him the way he should be and didn't do anything about it. He also left within the hour our son was born without even telling me! The day after we brought our son home he put his hands on me.. and I put my son in the car and we left.. and for good.

littlelovelolo

Totally normal to have mixed feelings. I had a hard time letting go of the idea of the traditional family home after I left my XH, but ultimately, I feel the decision to abandon that idea was the best thing I could have done. It made me realize that no matter what happens, whether or not SO and I get married, whether or not her father is in her life, *I* will be there for DD. She may not have the 'traditional family', but she will have a mother who was strong enough to do what was right, for the both of us.

What made me leave my XH was the realization that he thought of me as a piece of property because I had his name and his ring on my finger. It was the broken promises, the cheating, the suicide threats, the interrogations, the black-out drinking, his disinterest in our daughter, and the fact that one day I realized that not all men are created equal. Or good.

What I've learned is this: leaving someone who mistreats you or your children will lead you back to discovering yourself. And that is the best thing you can do for your kids.

nickilove

Me and the ex had a very extreme relationship. He is very caring and loving, but very insecure which causes him to also be emotionally abusive.  He doesn't have much to offer, except for physically. 

 I walked into work 2/29 and they told us they were shutting down operations due to management's fraud.  He happened to be with me because we were working on something with one of my coworkers. He got upset because people told him to take care of me, so he ran a red light and totaled my (our only) car and I was rushed to the ER and sat in L&D making sure the baby was ok. I was willing to forgive him, until we got home that night and he was clearly still upset that people told him to take care of me. 

 I stopped speaking to him and stopped sleeping in bed with him, finished tying up loose ends and left him.  I moved across country with the help of a previous ex all while less than a month from my due date.

 It's still hard and I still question my choice. The only thing I want for my daughter is for him to grow up and be a man.  But I know it's not going to happen. She's 6 weeks old and he's still not working. He had nerve to ask me for $50 yesterday and he's not sent a thing for his child.  And even with all of that I still wrestle with leaving because I feel like if only he was around her he'd do what he needs to do to take care of her and be a good father.

 During my pregnancy there were times I'd sleep in my car because he'd tell me I needed to go.  I had no family in the city we lived in and he thought I'd continue to do that so we could be in the same city. I told him my daughter is too wonderful for me to bring her home from the hospital to a homeless shelter, which is what would have happened.  Since I was jobless and 30+ weeks pregnant, and he'd successfully totaled my car and gotten rid of all chances for me to be independent in a city with no public transportation.