Contact with birthfather after 17 years...

Still free to be me

I am a birthmom in an open adoption.  I have had a really great relationship with P and her family since I placed her with them shortly after her birth.  My boyfriend, P's birthfather, was involved in the adoption planning, and also planned to have an open adoption, although it was unclear whether he and I would continue to have a relationship.  Well, it turned out that we did not continue our relationship.  I spoke to him for the last time when P was four days old.  He visited them once when she was six months old, and then discontinued contact.

However, about three weeks ago, he facebooked me!  It was totally out of the blue-17 years of not knowing where he was, what he was doing, even if he was still alive and I get a facebook message.  I have felt that P's information is not mine to share, and P's parents have asked me to respect her privacy (which I would have regardless of whether they asked me to or not), so conversations between me and B have mostly been about what we have been up to for the past (almost) two decades.

My head is just spinning.  I have been open about P and her role in my life to all of my friends and family, and I just found out that B hasn't told anyone in his life...until last night, when he told his long-term girlfriend (and the mother of his two children).  After telling her about P, he asked me for a picture of her.  I told him that I couldn't share that with him, but it feels so odd, because everyone else in my life has at least seen pictures of her...Most people have met her! 

I loved this boy so much, spent so long missing him and wishing I could share my loss and pain and joy about P with him...I hardly know what to think now that I am actually communicating with him again...

I don't really have any specific questions...I'm just trying to process all of this and want to bounce thoughts off of other people involved in the adoption world...

ellekae

No advice, but I will definitely be praying for you as you deal with this situation!

Dr.Loretta

I guess I'm a little confused. If he was actively involved in placement, etc., can't he contact your agency (or whomever you used) and get information through them? I understand him contacting you first, but it seems more logical for him to talk to them so it's a "controlled reveal", so to speak.

And I understand respecting your daughter's privacy, but you share all this information with strangers but not her BF?

Maybe there's a backstory here I'm missing.

In any case, I'm sure it's a lot to process at this time. I hope it all works out for the best.

Still free to be me

No...it's not strangers that I share info about P with...(well, except for here...)  It is all of my friends and family.  She is part of my life, so my friends have met her, I have pictures of her around my house...

 B would be able to contact P and her family directly.  He isn't planning to do that, at this point, though.  He contacted me to catch up with me, and has asked a couple questions and for an updated picture of P. 

Right now, I am just overwhelmed about having any contact with him.  I am also trying to navigate the relationship and figure out where the boundaries are, etc. 

We'll just see how things go...

Patches08

I understand. Last week I ran into DD's bio father... I haven't seen him since I was 2 months pregnant and DD will be 8 this summer.. we've emailed a few times a few years ago but I was shocked to run into him. It left me feeling angry and more frustrated with him.. sometimes things are just better left alone. I did show BF a picture of DD (on my phone) but he didn't seem to care. I would suggest the BF contacting the agency himself and you staying out of it. If he wants contact he will seek it.. You don't want to force it (a relationship between DD and BF) and then he flakes out, it would be hurtful to your DD. Just my opinion. And like Dr. L said, I hope it all works out for the best for everyone. ETA: That sounds snarky, I'm sorry!! Not how I was trying to come across!

hereonceagain

We are fost/adopt parents and I have ran into birthfamily members wanting info after being gone so long and I felt bad saying no, but wanted to protect my daughter. (criminals involved) This may be really silly but my out was to tell them I'd text a photo and then I'd do an unidentifying photo.  I have sent them one of her in her halloween costume, and one that is just her profile but blurred and hard to see.  They have never asked for better pictures thank god.  I cannot even confirm these people are truely blood related to her so I'm very reluctant on sharing.  I'm only willing to text poor quality photos and so far that's been enough for them.  I haven't heard from anyone in a long long time.