Advice?! Donating sperm to a friend.

fearlesslove

I?m looking for some opinions or stories from people who have gone through/are going through/are thinking about going through this.

Back story- My husband and I have been married just under 2 years. We do not have kids of our own; we do plan on having them when we are more financially stable.

We have friends, who are women, and married. We aren?t that close to them, but we?ve known them for about 5 years, and one of them happens to be my boss. We have been asked if we would possibly donate my husband?s sperm.

My husband says yes, he doesn?t mind. Who knows what he really thinks.

I?m okay with it. I want to help someone; maybe I?ll need someone to help me someday. I have set a few rules if this were to happen. We would need to sign all the legal stuff saying he has no rights or obligations to this child. They would like it to be possible for the child to meet my husband if she/he wants to later on, and we are okay with that. I am fine knowing that I will see pictures of this child daily (depending how long I work there, it?s only a retail job for now). I understand that this is different for me vs. my husband because it?s not my sperm. But I truly believe I can look at this child and just see it as my friend?s child. It doesn?t mean I won?t be in the child?s life, it just means I?ll be their mom?s friend.

Side note, I've discussed this with my mom in the past and she is 100% against it.

We are only discussing the idea right now, so I?m looking for any advice anyone has.

Thank you!

phq2011

I would not do this. As PP said, there is a huge conflict of interest with it being your boss. The fact you have been asked throws up a red flag IMO. There was a story recently about a woman who donated her kidney to her boss (different I know), but in essence you are donating the makeup of half a person. Regardless of legal matters, a person's personality is affected. I would suggest she use an anonymous donor or someone who she does not work with.

hlke

We are using a known donor, and for us it was the situation that worked best for us.

I think there are three main areas to think about as you are deciding if this is an option for you.  The emotional, the relationship aspects, and the legal.

In terms of the emotional, for both you and your husband, the obvious question is how you'd feel about having your husband have a biological child who he is not the parent to.  Would he feel comfortable in his role in the child's life?  How important does he view the biological connection is - would he feel very attached to any child made with his sperm?  These are the types of questions to consider.

 The relationship aspects is how would doing this change your relationship with the couple, and are you comfortable with that?  Are these people you want to be attached to in some way for the rest of your lives?  Can you forsee it causing any conflict in your relationship?  How would you resolve that conflict?  How will that affect your relationship, and in this case potentially your employment.

 For legal stuff, a lot of it depends on the state you are in.  This is an area where it is worth consulting a lawyer to find out how the process works in your state.  We consulted an LGBT adoption lawyer, and would have been happy to bring along the donor couple if they had wanted to (they didn't).  She outlined how terminating the donor's rights would work, and how me doing a second parent adoption would work.

I highly recommend Stephanie Brill's The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth.  The known donor chapter goes through everything you need to think about (both the donor and the recipients) in good detail, and it was great for us when we were figuring out our donor agreement and all the logistics and how we felt.

Best of luck to you and your friends no matter what you decide.  This is not a situation that works for everyone, and it's perfectly okay to say no if you are not 100% comfortable. 

mypalbabs

I think that for a known donor situation to work in the long run, all of the adults involved need to have excellent boundaries.

A supervisor who asks her employee's husband for sperm does not have good boundaries.

FlemFam718

We used a known donor. A lifelong friend, almost like a family member, so it is a bit of a different situation. We made 100% sure that we had a Known Donor Agreement that covers for every loophole. One paragraph outlines that we will pay for the donor's legal fees to have a lawyer of his choice consult with him and review the Agreement (up to a certain dollar amount). I think that is something that helps both parties and it made me, as the recipient, feel like I was making sure my donor looked at the situation from every angle. 

 It is a difficult decision and don't agree if you have any doubts!  The couple is asking something huge of you and they should understand that many people would not feel comfortable with their husband donating. Don't feel bad for researching this for some time or eventually saying no. Once you say yes, you can't go back and it is a big commitment to donate (could take months of following one of their ovulation schedules) and then deal with the eventual baby out there in the world.

 That being said, if you guys do decide to donate, it is an amazing gift!

2mommiesinoh

We used a known donor and in addition to all of the legal stuff I have the added aspect of a "work" friend.

Our kd works in my office. We had known him for a while and he really was the best fit for us as a donor and he said yes. We had all of the legal paperwork drawn up and testing done. When it finally worked, DW and I were very excited. I honestly think I was more awkward about it than he was when I told him. He congratulated us and left it at that. I did let him know everything was okay after tha anatomy scan and after Ky was born but that is it. We give him pictures periodically, but I am sure he sees more from walking by my desk daily (well he did before I transferred to another department for a promotion). Point is, it is as awkward as you make it. THis is someone I saw in the break room daily while I waddled my huge belly around and we just talked like we were good friends. No one in the office, to this day, even knows he is the donor.

hanncanna

i am far from an expert, but my known donor is a family friend who we've known for 15 years. he's younger than us and a while after he agreed to donate he started dating my partner's little sister and now they both live down the street from us. he's like a younger brother to us and he's always been part of the family. i didn't want to add babies AND another adult to our family, and have to "put up" with someone else for the rest of my life. i wanted to go with someone i was already putting up with, lol. i'm pregnant with twins due in august and he will have an uncle role, just like he would have if he wasn't the father.

 i think being a donor for your boss is awkward. my partner's sister, who is now planning her life with our KD, has had a lot of thinking/growing/dealing to do regarding our pregnancy and soon-to-be babies. it affects both families.

 state laws vary but in our state, if the donor gives the sperm to the doctor and the doctor does the insemination, no paternity responsibilities exist. it's as if the donor was unknown as far as the law is concerned. if we did the insemination at home, there would have been a lot more legal risk. when i talked to a lawyer, the only thing the lawyer was concerned about was doing a 2nd parent adoption--nothing was needed to solidify the donor's rights/responsibilities or lack thereof, since everything was done at the doctor's office. 

i would think that if this couple is serious about having a known donor, they could find someone closer to their family and with less interpersonal complications than their employee's husband. i am sure he is a great guy with awesome father genetics, etc, but there are a lot of great guys in the world--maybe some that are closer to their family already than your husband is.

good luck--this is a difficult decision.