Me again - anxiety question for those with older twins

wendyg84

Hi again,

I'm wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation - related to anxiety and raising twins.  I've always been a somewhat anxious person, but it seems to be escalating now that the girls are getting older and much more active.  They're 2 years, 8 months and I worry that my anxiety is impacting them negatively.  For example, I'm terrified to bring them to the playground alone.  We go on weekends and will go during weekday evenings once the summer is here - so that my DH can be with us.  I'm also afraid to take them to our local mall play area b/c it's not entirely enclosed.  I'm afraid that one of them will wander away.  I also get really upset when they have tantrums - in public or at home.  I hate the idea of them being unhappy & tantrums make me feel like I'm failing them in some way (even though I know, logically, that all toddlers have tantrums).  Is anyone else dealing with this sort of thing?  I've thought about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I only have a babysitter once a week and it's hard to give up that free time in order to see a psychiatrist. 

I'm just afraid that my anxiety is going to interfere with my DDs going places, experiencing things, meeting people, etc.  (We have one play date a week, used to do a twin playgroup until it ended, and are signed up for a class at the local gym later this month.)  Thanks for any insight/help. 

wendyg84

Thanks, MrsLee - I don't post a lot of questions on here, but this is the second time your answer has been really reassuring.  I'm glad to hear that my fears don't seem totally unreasonable.  I did make some MoM friends when the girls were about one year old.  I think I happened to make friends with two really brave MoMs and one who had a live in au pair and was almost never alone with her girls.  I'm still trying to find a SAHM of twins who can relate to my anxieties.

If you happen to read this response, MrsLee - or anyone else who wants to add their thoughts - how do you handle those really intense moments when it feels like everything is going wrong and you want to scream (both kids throwing a tantrum, etc).  I've been close to losing it a few times lately and I'm wondering what other MoMs do 'in the moment' - deep breathing, walk away???

Thanks again. 

preheatedoven

wendyg84:

If you happen to read this response, MrsLee - or anyone else who wants to add their thoughts - how do you handle those really intense moments when it feels like everything is going wrong and you want to scream (both kids throwing a tantrum, etc).  I've been close to losing it a few times lately and I'm wondering what other MoMs do 'in the moment' - deep breathing, walk away???

Honestly? Every once in awhile, I scream. I try to walk into the bathroom first, but sometimes it comes out sooner. We are all human, twin toddlers are a lot of work. Sometimes you just need to scream:)  

ougrad1

I was feeling anxious like that and just a week ago I called my OBGYN and she called a RX in for me.   I was on it three days and started feeling so much better.  I can't say that I will be taking all three to a park on my own any time soon but, it has really, really helped me feel less anxious about everything.   Call your GYN and she'll, more than likely, call something in for you.  You're absolutely not the only one.

I have a screened in back porch off the kitchen and can see strait through my house to the front door.  If I've had enough, I go out there, close the door and just sit for a few minutes.  It's so hard.

Keep posting....it helps to know you're not as crazy as you feel sometimes.  : )

 

 

jdancer5

I had this "moment" this evening after a LONG day of DH and I redoing our backyard. I didn't have the patience to deal with both boys screaming at me because they're hungry NOW, when I'm doing the best I can to make dinner for everyone as quickly as possible. I try to stay as calm as possible on the outside, speaking swwetly and softly to the kids despite what's going on inside. I do feel guilty for those feelings though. Inside tonight I felt like I didn't even care- I was just done! That makes me feel terrible- like what kind of mother sits there thinking she doesn't care how loud they scream? The only thing I know for sure is that I don't want my bad moods/stress/exhaustion to affect them negatively so I try to turn my outer volume down as my inner volume is going up

wendyg84

Thanks, everyone.  

jdancer - I had been really good at keeping a calm exterior, but lately it seems to be boiling over.  I just recently started letting out a yell (no words, just noise) when I just need to relieve tension - but I hate having the girls hear me even do that.  My sister yells at her kids and I'm so scared that I might ever do the same.  It goes against everything I want to be as a mom, but there are moments when I can hardly hold it in...

jab224

Hi- I rarely post on here these days (I used to a lot more when I was pregnant), but anyway my twin boys turned 2 at the end of Feb so they're like 26 months old and I'm a SAHM.  I looked at your post because you touched on the same issue that I'm having with feeling limited in what I can do with them out in public. There is one park near me that is pretty much all enclosed (only one way in or out) but it's still pretty big and I can still lose "control" of them in there if you know what I mean. I've become obsessed with the problem of not being able to take them many places by myself without keeping them in the stroller... pretty much that one park is the only place, and I'm not 100% comfortable with it.. What's bugging me is that I feel that they miss out on opportunities to do things that a mom with one 2-yr old, or a mom with a 2-yr old and an older child can do, and I don't want to have to keep my boys cooped up in the house. I want them to have as many different experiences as possible.  The solution that I came to just this past week was that I think I'm going to enroll them in a pre-k program for 2 1/2 year olds, just 2 1/2 hours per day, 2 days per week, for a total of 5 hours per week, beginning this September. That way they will have more opportunties for socialization, etc, etc. It's going to be extremely hard for me to drop them off the first few times, but I'm crossing my fingers that after they get through that initial adjustment period they will love it.

 

Speaking of what to do during tantrums, I think you already had it right when you said take a deep breath and walk away if needed. It can be hard to stay calm but it is possible.  I see tantrums as a healthy and necessary aspect of their development, and if you can try not to intervene when they're going through it, I think that it helps them to learn how to soothe themselves, to calm down on their own, and that as they get older that skill will translate into a better ability to manage stress. Sometimes my guys will freak out and calm down on their own within 2 minutes. Other times I let it go (ignore it)  for 5-10 minutes but then I go & pick them up & give them a drink or try to change the subject so they know that mommy still loves them even when they're having a tough time (by that point they're often exhausted from crying & ready to calm down).

wendyg84

Thanks, jab224.  I also recently enrolled my girls in preschool for the fall - 2 days a week for 2.75 hours...so it sounds like we have a similar plan.  I'm just trying to get through these next few months of feeling guilty about them not getting the same experiences as other kids - as well as my anxiety in general.  It's so hard feeling like I'm not enjoying my days with them as much as I could be due to anxiety.  I'm always wondering - should I have the TV on less, should I do more arts & crafts, do they listen to enough music, etc.?  I want to just turn my brain off half the time.  I think I'd be a lot more fun

janjag

MrsLee is wise.

I would also encourage you to go see your doc.  You don't need to find a psychiatrist right away - you can visit your PCP.  In my case I'm pretty sure I have always been predisposed to anxiety/depression.  However, with DDs I was hell bent on toughing it out.  When DS was about 6mos old I finally went to see my doc and finally agreed to get on some meds.  I'm not saying that's what you need, but just that having an objective professional could be really helpful.  It is totally worth getting a babysitter!!

And as far as keeping from losing a child at a playground/library, etc. I have a technique.  I stay very close to at least one of them, so if the other one takes off I can pick up the LO close by and chase the runner.  Now that DS is mobile I am not looking forward to being out alone with all 3.

UsedToBeGoldie

If you are asking this- then i'd say you need some help with it.  I can say that from experience...  Last year i had a LOT of anxiety problems- so much that it caused me to have IBS issues.  When I finally admitted I thought i might have a problem - i realized that meant i DID have a problem. 

I saw my doc and got put on a low dose of Celexa - and it worked wonders.  I was able to get through this winter with the kids puking, etc - and have zero anxiety about it (last year that's what caused me to have horrible issues).

Taking twins to a playground alone is NOT easy - no matter how you are FEELING about it.  I didn't take mine unless it was a fenced in playground (thankfully I found a few like that).  Now at close to 3 I can take them alone to any playground- they ahve finally learned to stay in the boundaries of the playground.

I went off the meds a few weeks ago b/c i think i have a handle on it now... and so far I'm doing well. A little more worrying now, but nothing like it was 2yrs ago.

 talk to your doc. Meds will likely help a lot.... seeing a therapist is always good for the soul- but i was the same - no time to do it... but the meds did the job on their own.

Tofumonkey

I'm loving this thread and the advice that you are getting, thank you for posting about it!

I can't fathom taking the twins to a playground by myself right now, neither can my husband, so we still tag-team them. But I like some of these ideas and think I might try.

As for tantrums and feeling like it's all too much, that's frustrating, but it's going to happen. Drives me nuts when it happens at home because my jerk cat chimes in and starts yowling even louder than the twins. On the days that it's too much it usually ends with him being launched out the nearest window, counting to 10 and then calmly doing whatever the twins need to calm them down.

I think it helps to remember that this happens to everyone, every kid is going to have a tantrum and it's a learning process for them, not necessarily a reflection on you or your parenting, and that you'll get through it. 

caden

I don't have anxiety issues, but my DH does. He began seeing a therapist about it last week and is going to try behavioral therapy and possibly medication if the therapy doesn't work. He really doesn't want to do the therapy; I had to basically force him to see a doctor. I did that b/c I know his anxiety level is not normal. I don't want his stress to rub off on the kids, but even w/o that I just want him to live life healthily. If you sense that your anxiety is too high, I definitely encourage you to see a doctor too. You don't have to live like that b/c there are treatments that can help you. To be honest, what you posted sounded normal to me. I don't ever take my kids to the park alone. I take my mom with me if I go to the mall play area. Tantrums make me really upset. But I think you know when your anxiety level is above average/not normal, so if that's how you feel then you should get better. ((((hugs))))

jab224

 It's so hard feeling like I'm not enjoying my days with them as much as I could be due to anxiety.  I'm always wondering - should I have the TV on less, should I do more arts & crafts, do they listen to enough music, etc.? 

 

 

FYI- I have the same thoughts like every day lol! If you happen to live in south jersey we could try to do the park together..

ps- I'm getting ready to try watercolors with them...

pps- I recently started letting them play in my back yard even though it isn't fenced in, and it turns out that they stay in the back and I don't have nearly the problem with them trying to run out front that I had expected. 

 

 

TheNewFry

I feel the same way a lot of the time.  I worry that I am not giving them the same experiences that singleton babies get because it is hard to get out of the house with two of them and really hard to control them both at times when they don't listen (a lot of the time right now). When I go somewhere that isn't completely enclosed (mall playplace), I stay near the entrance (ours only has one entrance) so that I can keep an eye on them and catch them if they try to wander off.  Also, like a pp suggested, when at the park, I stay near one of them all the time so that I can quickly pick that one up if the other one is trying to wander off. 

But it is hard and truthfully, we don't get out that much either because I do worry about the same things your worry about.  And I definitely feel guilty when I think about all the things the moms of singleton babies do with their one baby and all the fun/new experiences that my kids may be missing out on because it is hard with two.  I try to make sure when DH is off work we do some of the things I can't do alone with them (swimming, bigger parks, etc). 

I guess my suggestion is to plan ahead and try one new/differnt thing a week or so.  Take it slow and try it out and see how it goes.  Maybe see if a family member or friend can come to the play place at the mall with you but not help unless absolutely necessary.  So you have someone to help as backup if things don't go well, but you may not need their help at all.  If you have a succesful trip out, then start thinking about what you can plan for your next outing.  I hope you are able to get your anxiety under control and start enjoying your time out with you girls!

Jen0204

Mine are obviously much smaller, but I can't imagine doing things alone with them now, much less when they're mobile!  H and I are each fine with being home alone with (just one of us with both babies), but we don't go out somewhere with both of them (other then to our parent's houses).  When they get older trips to the park, zoo, etc. will be family time.  Right now when I go out and run errands I always take one with me so that one of them gets mommy time and other gets time with H.  When they get old enough to understand rules and boundaries then I'm sure it'll be different, but I don't blame you one bit for being worried about the situations you described. 

I also feel so upset when they're upset.  I think what upsets me is that there are two of them and one of me, so on the few times when they've both been hysterical when I'm home alone with them I just feel so inadequate.  Then I feel even more guilty because I think "man, if there was only one of them I could handle this!".  It's hard with two!

Also, when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed I put the girls in their cribs (even if they're screaming) and go into another room for a couple of minutes to calm down.  That won't work if you're out, but if you're home you can put them in a safe, enclosed place and take a few minutes to yourself.  

fitnessmk

Those that have said you got meds and feel better, what does it do to make you feel better?  Are you just more calm? I think I need something daily. I have been feeling anxious and have been reluctant to call my doctor. I do take xanax on occasion but it makes me so tired.  I have a 4 1/2 year old and 1 year old twins. I was a little anxious before the twins but now it is a lot worse especially since my 4 year old has been throwing major fits.