Stress or something more...long — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

Stress or something more...long

So it's the middle of the night and I don't know where else to turn right now.  Maybe you ladies can help me.  I have 5 month old twin girls.  They are our first babies and I love them to death.  I SAH with them and most of the time I really really enjoy it.  I seem to go through these phases though.  Seems like I am in one right now.  I know a part of all this is stress, but I can't help but feel like it may be something more then just stress and being sleep deprived at times.  My girls are really good babies and have been super easy with everything so far.  We are really lucky that we have not had any real issues with them.  Of course they do have their moments where they will be very unhappy and will scream for what seems like no reason at all.  Well tonight was one of those nights.  They usually eat around 9 pm every night, but tonight I was so tired I fell asleep and woke up around midnight when they did.  I fed them, and Hailee went right back to sleep.  Emma did not and for about half an hour just screamed.  When DH got up I had to hand her to him because I felt like I was going to just snap.  Not snap and hurt her, but snap and have a complete meltdown.  Just want to make that clear.  This is not the first time this has happened.  I am sure this happens to most moms at some point.  The hard part for me during those times is that I feel like I just want to walk away and not be a mom.  I know that sounds horrible and I feel horrible for even thinking that.  I love my girls and they are all I have ever wanted.  The other part of this is the anxiety.  About 2 months ago I started feeling really off.  I felt like I was always out of breath, my chest hurt, and I would get dizzy among other things.  I went to urgent care twice and was sent to the ER to check for blood clots.  Medically I am fine.  The ER doctor pretty much told me that it is in my head and I need to adjust to my new life as a mom and sent me home.  After that I tried to convince myself that I was fine and I have been feeling pretty good, but then in the last week the chest pains have started to come back and so has the shortness of breath.  When those things happen I feel like my anxiety level goes even higher because I wonder if there is something wrong with me and then all the "what if's" start to run through my head and I make myself nuts thinking about what could happen.  I was never, ever like this before having my girls.  I had a struggle with depression when I was younger when my parents split up so I am familiar with the feelings of depression.  This just seems like some depression and some bad anxiety, probably some stress and not being able to sleep all the time.  Right now I  just feel lost and confused about how I feel and what to do.  DH really does not understand.  He seems to think that I am just tired.  I just cannot help but feel there is something else wrong with me.  I go see my primary Dr. in a couple weeks for a follow up to some tests I had a little while ago.  I was going to bring up the possibility of some anxiety/depression.  Is it worth it at this point??  
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Re: Stress or something more...long

  • OMG, please say something to your Dr. It's totally worth discussing with a professional. You shouldn't go through how you're feeling alone. I thought all I had were the typical baby blues until my mom finally told me that I needed to get help when my DD was about 3 weeks old. Even if all the Dr. suggests is talking to a counselor, you'll be moving ahead with getting some help. For me, it's taken a couple medications and some adjustments and counseling, but I feel like a good person again and that I CAN do this and I am going to be a great momma! FWIW I think we ALL feel like we're going to fall apart and have to hand off our babies to our partners at times. That doesn't make you a bad person or bad momma, it makes you human. it's tough to listen to them cry... I still get goose bumps when my DD cries... just talk it over with your doc, it's worth getting the help that you need!
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  • I think you're having panic attacks, and it sounds like you might have some PPD/PPA.  You're far from alone in your feelings, and I have felt everything you have described (and worse) the first time around with my son.  You will be ok again.  The hardest part for me was feeling like the feelings would never pass.  Like you said, you weren't like this before the girls arrived, and you will get to a place where the feelings subside. I promise.  It may take some medication and/or therapy, but you'll get there!
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  • Thanks for the feedback ladies.  It's so hard not to think you are the only one going through these kind of things when your having a meltdown.  It's reassuring to know that it's not something that I am making up in my head.  When I went to the ER a while back that is what it seemed like the ER Dr was telling me.  I will for sure be talking to my Dr when I see him in a couple weeks.
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  • Why wait a couple of weeks?  It makes sense to go and get help now.  Sometimes medicine can help right away, if that is the path you decide to take, but often medicine takes a while to kick in.  I would consider seeing your doctor ASAP.  There is no reason to suffer unnecessarily.
  • imagefindingmyshoes:
    Why wait a couple of weeks?  It makes sense to go and get help now.  Sometimes medicine can help right away, if that is the path you decide to take, but often medicine takes a while to kick in.  I would consider seeing your doctor ASAP.  There is no reason to suffer unnecessarily.

    Or wait until it gets worse... ACT NOW I waited a year until I started taking medication... 

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  • The ER dr was slack for telling you to basically get over it, when you were only 3 months PP.  That was quite obviously a red flag.  Sounds like you're having panic attacks.  My mom gets them and I had one when I was pregnant.  It's not fun, and not all in your head.  It's definitely a physical thing. 
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