- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
katie_cj
member
Can I get another perspective please. Re: pick up and drop off.
katie_cj
member
My ex and I live 3 hours apart. We currently meet roughly half way. So far (the past 8 months), all exchanges have been between the two of us, my parents, or his parents.
He just told me today that he's working tomorrow until midnight and wants to send his girlfriend to pick up DS. I'm honestly a little uncomfortable with it. They've been dating for about 8 months, I've met her briefly during exchanges, but we've never really talked to each other, nor do I know how much she's ever been alone with DS and it's a long drive back to their town in traffic.
I've offered instead to drop off Saturday morning and do pick up on Monday instead of Sunday so he doesn't lose any time with Jake, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable.
So, my question. If you are a stepmom, do you pick up/drop off your step kids alone? How soon did you start? Did you do this while you were just dating as well?
Oh, and my son will be 3 at the end of June.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can I get another perspective please. Re: pick up and drop off.
I am the SM, and I didnt start doing pu/ drop off for quite awhile. Well after 8 months.
As a BM- I honestly would not feel comfortable either, I am a nervous nelly with other drivers and such- and you truely don't know this woman. I would stick to my guns if I were you. I dont know if this is the new mom in me talking or what, but I wouldnt like it one bit.
Does your CO say anything about it? I assume no :-(
No, our CO doesn't really go into specifics like this. I'm truly uncomfortable, and I think it would be a little different if he was older. I don't want to leave him with someone I don't know.
I totally don't blame you for that. I wish I had better advice. That stinks.
I'm a SM. I started doing pick ups about a yr after SD and I (and BM and I) met SD was about 3. BM was probably pissed about it but there was nothing that she could do. The first instance was when I was working and driving right by her house on the way home at the same time as pick up. it didn't make any sense for DH to drive all the way out when I was driving right by.
BM never said anything but had she said anything we would have told her that the only other option would have been to have BM do the drop off. she is absolutely ridiculous and will not drive ever, so she let me pick up, knowing I was going directly to our apartment where DH would be waiting.
I think the option you gave to your DH is perfectly fine. its one thing to have someone pick up, or drive a significant distance with your child, but she will also be putting your child to bed for the night. the visitation is for your XH to see his child, he won't be home until after the child goes to bed, there is no reason why your XH can't have your son on saturday morning until monday.
The technicality is that you can't really say no. are his parents not around for the night?? If I were you, knowing I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would drive DS all the way to BD's house and then ask BD to drive all the way home on sunday....
I'll try and answer a few questions at once. I do not know how she interacts with DS, I haven't had a conversation with her ever apart from saying hi. DS is behind in speech and he's not verbal enough to tell me about her.
I haven't had an answer yet to my offer of doing Saturday to Monday. I don't know what my ex-ILs are doing that night. My ex is at work until midnight, so I won't know until the morning.
And I believe I do have a choice, while there's nothing in the CO about who does pick up and drop off, there's also nothing saying I have to drop him off with someone I don't know, especially considering the drive, and the fact that my ex won't even be around that evening. I think I've given a reasonable alternative.
I'm going to wait and see what our discussion tomorrow morning is like and what the rest of the plans are given the fact that I'm suppose to have first right of refusal unless he's with his grandparents.
I'm a SM and I've only picked SD up once by myself (many times with DH though). BM and I have talked on the phone about little things, but I wouldn't say that we "really know eachother". Usually DH picks her up because he gets off work earlier than I do so he makes the 4-5 hour drive (2-2.5 hours one way) and I go pick up DS from daycare in our town. The one time I did pick up SD, I was 40 minutes away from her house and DH was working. It wouldn't have made any sense for him to drive out to pick her up since I was so close, so I'm glad that BM was ok with it.
To be honest, I love SD. I wouldn't drive any differently with her in the car than I would with DS in the car. I think that since the relationship has been going on for so long, it might be ok to let the GF pick her up. It's hard for me to see your perspective though because DS' bio father was never in the picture, so I never had to deal with stuff like this. Know that because the GF has been around so long (I think at 8 months, you're past the honeymoon stage), she must like your child. I agree with asking your DS what he thinks about GF. Maybe let that guide your opinion?
ETA: sorry, I posted before reading all the posts. I didn't see that your son wouldn't be able to fully communicate his relationship to the GF
Frankly, I don't consider dating for 8 months so long.
And I can't ask him what he thinks about the gf, he's not verbal enough to answer me.
ETA: If he was older and able to communicate about his feelings for her and the fact he was okay with the gf picking him up, then it most likely wouldn't be as much as an issue.
I'm not sure why I sound peachy. I was just answering the question. It wasn't like I was begging DH to pick up SS just to piss BM off. DH works all the time so we had no choice.
I want to preface by saying that I'm not trying to be argumentative. I'm just giving my own personal experience. I've dated 2 men who had children. The first, it was for 3 months -I realized that his parenting style and mine did not mesh & broke it off. The second was my DH -who will do anything for his daughter & has similar parenting expectations as me. In my case, I evaluated whether I could be with that person based on (many things but mostly) how they treat me/their kids/the combination.
I wasn't trying to say that 8 months = a good relationship with OP's son. I just think that the GF may have moved on already if she didn't like the situation/OP's son.
SM here. I probably started doing pick ups about 6 months after I met the kids but DH and I were living together and I was driving the kids a lot anyhow (and watched them 10 hours a day while he was at work). Would I send my kids with someone that I only knew from one word conversations? No way. I would fight it as much as I could. I get the impression from him not being willing to work with you on changing the days that he intends for gf to become a transport person more and more. And even though your DS can't talk enough to you, try gaging his reaction. Tell him that gf is going to pick him up and see whether he gets upset or whatever. When SD was about 3, we were doing dropoffs to one of BM boyfriends of the day and SD would start crying when we said we were dropping off to him. After the second reaction like this, we refused to drop off to him.
I'm a SM and I am going to say.. trust your gut feeling on this. If you are not comfortable with it then don't do it.
It is your job as a parent to protect and care for your DS. Handing him over to a stranger is wreckless in my opinion.
You would hope and pray that your EX would only date someone who treats your DC well BUT you do not know that for certain.
If you were cutting short his visitation I would give you the same advice BUT ask you to ponder your intentions. However you have given him a valid alternative to ensure full visitation occurs.
In fact by your alternative your EX will see more of his DS as he will be home.
You have done enough.
As a SM I can see you feeling uncomfortable with this situation. I think you came up with a great alternative. Maybe you can ask your ex if gf, ex, you, and DS can have dinner together at the half way point at the next visitation. Seeing the gf and your DS interact will give you a better idea of their relationship.
I have been in the SKs life for 8 years so I can't remember when I first picked them up by myself. I think it was because BM needed me to since she had something to do. I work pretty close to her house and can get there faster the DH. We were still just dating. I think BM would have had an issue with it if it wasn't her idea but that is just my opinion.
So to recap my rambling:
I understand your feelings about her picking up and it makes sense.
You have offered a great alternative to your ex.
The only thing you may want to add is to figure out a way that you may get more comfort in the future.
I actually agree with this and you are right. I am struggling with the entire blended family aspect and I'm really working on it. That's why I wanted to post here, I really appreciate the different views, especially those of other stepmoms.
Also, my son is improving leaps and bounds lately on his speech, he's definitely starting to catch up. It won't be long before we can have a conversation and he can tell me what he thinks about being dropped off. Not that I would let a three year old make those decisions, but at least I'll know that they interact regularly.
I realize she may be in Jake's life permanently, but I stumble on the may. As far as I'm concerned she's a girlfriend. What if they break up? Will it be a revolving door of different girlfriend picking him up? I really don't agree with that.
I am a step mom and I think I did some pick up's after dating about 10 months. I only remember because thats when we got engaged and I remember a neighbor of the daycare where I picked him up wanted to see my ring because she heard we got engaged.
.
Truly the only thing that matters is that the child's other parent obviously feels comfortable enough for this woman to pick up the child.
I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but sometimes you have to cut thru the emotions and fears. Those are your own issues to work through. (For the record I would be a mess too and hate every second of it, I certainly understand the apprehension).
Unless the dad has some negative history and behavior, if you trust him, you have to trust his judgement. It boils down to a control issue (again not to sound harsh, I'd love to put my niece,nephew, SKs, kids in a bubble and control keeping the scary and whole crazy a$$ world away from them).
I hope you can work things out amicably. Now might be a great time to take the opportunity to engage the woman and get to know her since she is spending time with your child.
That is what makes you a great mom and shows you are putting your child first. You know this situation is new/difficult for you so you are getting all the information you can.
I lurk on the single parents board so I reconize you. I do that because BM#1 is a SP and it has helped me to see some of the things she feels.
At some point, you have to trust BF's judgement. He loves his son and wouldn't do anything to put him in danger.
That being said, have you tried to find out more about her?
BM was texting me, asking me to pick SS up early before he was 18 months old. I didn't have kids of my own then, but I didn't really think this was normal. Now that I have a 2 year old, I KNOW this is not normal. I can't imagine handing DD off to someone I didn't know.
That being said, I think you would technically be in contempt if you refuse.
I just can't agree with this. IT should not only be about the one parent who needs to be comfortable. 8 months is not that long and there is nothing to say that the child has spent a great deal of time with this woman who is a girlfriend, not a step-parent.
I don't think you can say it's all about control when the parent is more than willing for the pick-up to happen and more than willing to make changes to ensure that the other parent gets the full amount of time with their child. It seems if the father can't understand why the mother of his child is worried about someone she doesn't know being alone with a young child who is not able to communicate everything and insists that the pick-up go on than perhaps it's a control issue on his part. (especially as he would get more time with his child if the pick-up is done at a different time)
I don't think it's putting your child in a bubble to not want someone you don't know well to spend a lot of time with your child alone. Things happen, people abuse children and 8 months just isn't long in my opinion. If this were a man who was going to pick up a little girl and spend a lot of time alone with her while the mother was working would the father have a right to feel uncomfortable?
I never wanted to put my kids in a bubble but I did everything I could to ensure they were not alone for any amount of time with someone I didn't know well. That won't ensure nothing could happen but it did cut down the chances for it to happen.
EDIT I want to add that I understand sometimes a parent will have issues with things that they just need to deal with but I see this as more of a safety thing. Even if one parent is fine with leaving their child alone with someone they've known 8 months it doesn't mean it's ok.
I'm a SM and after a year of it just being me and BF, BM entered the picture. I did the supervised visits with her for a month before doing p/u d/o. I did them almost exclusively for a year, since BM and BF have such a contentious relationship.
Can you make the drive to them and meet her one on one? Maybe you two need to sit down and get to know each other a little better at this point, since it sounds like their relationship is serious.
If you have only seen her a couple of times I absolutely wouldn't want to hand my child over to her either. Has she not been there at other exchanges with your ex? I think they need to start slowly and maybe her being there with your ex when you do exchanges will help.
I have not picked up SS on my own yet but I have met BM quite a few times and I go with FI almost every time he picks up/drops off SS. FI on the other hand has spent a lot of time helping my ex out with some things and they have gotten to know each other fairly well and I know BF would have no problem with FI being the one to pick up DS. If he hadn't spent as much time he wouldn't be ok with it either. I think it all comes down to how much interaction you have had with this person. I agree that it is somewhat reckless for people to think you should be ok with giving your child to someone YOU don't know. I don't care if my ex knows a person, if he isn't there and I don't know them....no way am I sending my child with them.
I would not be comfortable leaving my child with ANYONE I don't know. If girlfriend is spending a lot of time with your child and is going to be doing pickups, then it's time to get to know her. Rah rah rah, I know. I'm also a step-mom, I do pickups, and have for many years, but it was uncomfortable at first. I don't think I did pickups until DH and I were married, though. The ex-wife and I had a pretty contentious time of things at first, but we persisted through it and are in a much better place now.
Update:
Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate it. I'm going to make an effort to talk to her more. I just found out today that they are moving in together this month, so she will be in Jake's life more often. I'll make an effort to get to know her and I realize that eventually, probably soon, she'll be involved in the picking up/dropping off.
We compromised today, my dad took the morning off work and dropped DS to my ex this morning. Then he was spending the morning with my ex, a few hours in the afternoon with his girlfriend and the rest of the time with his grandma. I think it was a good compromise.
I would not have been held in contempt. Our CO is not enforceable. We went to mediation once and made a contract, but never signed it since we both moved out of province. We do however follow it. We have a court date set in June to get an official court order. We will address this issue then. It's been a little tense between the two of us as we try and figure out what works best for my son and the both of us.
Once again, thank you very much. I did not realize how quickly some step moms got involved in their step children's lives. I guess when I think it through, it's normal. As long as she loves Jake and is nice to him, then that's all that matters.
I started doing pick ups by myself while DH and I were dating. But my SD was 6. And my DH asked if it was okay with BM and she said sure. If she had said no it never would have happened. Now I drive SD all the time, even pick her up for BM sometimes.
I'm a SM and I do all pick ups but it didn't start until I was a SM. I didn't do pickups as a girlfriend. BM's BF does pick ups and drops off but they have been together just as long as DH and I have, own a house together, and have two bio kids together. They may not be married but IMO he doesn't fall into the "just a boyfriend" category.
BM did used to refuse to allow me to pick up the kids and she was legally allowed to. DH told her that If I couldn't do custody exchanges than neither could her BF so that put a stop to that fast. We made a new CO a few years ago so now BF and I are specificly mentioned as well as MIL.
Good for you Katie! Sounds like you handled this really well. Its nice to hear that you're wanting to get to know her better so you can feel comfortable with this when the time is right.
I am a SM and my DH's ex had me put into the court order as a legal picker upper surprisingly soon - as in I wasn't really comfortable yet. Their youngest was 3 at the time. Shortly after she had the CO changed, she announced that she enrolled SD in pre-school and that the pick up times would need to be changed and the time it was changing to was when DH was at work, which meant he either had to miss work once a week or I had to pick SK's up. She has never been nice to me a day in her life and her family was just as bad, I used to literally break out in hives when I went to get them and her and her family were just terrible about it to boot. we asked if my in laws could pick up and she refused, saying that we should have asked when we adjusted the CO. Made for a really crummy first few years for DH and I, plus he missed out on a few hours of placement time. I wish she had been a little more uncomfortable with it, lol.
My stepson is 3 and I pick up and drop him off at day care most of the time when it's our week. Mainly because daycare is only 10 minutes away from where I work as opposed to 45 minutes away from Dad's work.
The only time BM seems to have a problem is when she comes to our place to pick him up and Dad isn't home. Which I can completely understand. I'm sure Dad would feel the same way if he went to pick up his son and BM's significant other was the only one there with the boy.
I started picking him up about 7 months ago (right before he turned 3) and I've been in his life since he was 23 months.