Anger. Not the best emotion.

Mandiemn

I am so full of anger lately. I wish I had a good place to direct all of this pent up anger, guilt, sadness...

Since we lost Buffy my DH has made it very clear that he is done with God for good. All he did was pray for weeks leading up to her death and now he is convinced that there is no higher power. 

I keep teetering between there being no God and being so angry with God that I wish it didn't exist. I can't understand how I could lose my little girl if there was a God out there looking after me and loving me. I did nothing to deserve this.

I feel like I need someone...something to be angry with, to blame. I hardly ever cry anymore and I think I'd prefer nonstop crying to this.

Heatherhah

I felt and feel exactly the same way you do. How could God take our babies I don't get it? You are not alone!! 

Then one of my loss mom friends who is very religious said to me how can god be every where all the time and watch over everyone all the time. That kind of made sense it doesn't make my anger any different as I still am so bitter. But I suppose if that helps them to get through their loss than that is great.  I mean it kind of makes sense but like you and DH I prayed TMI everytime I went to the bathroom and wiped the whole 9 months only to have my baby die at 38wks 4 days how does that happen she was healthy the whole time. I was checked so welll I was even high risk and had an u/s every month. So god must have been helping someone else when I needed him or at least that is what my friend thinks.

Huge hugs to you !!!! 

 Heather

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I have definitely gone though this and still am.  One of the greatest things I heard from all this was from probably the most unexpected person - the pastor who did the service for Corbin.  We don't attend his church so we met with him before the service.  He told us that it was ok to be mad at God.  It's ok to scream at God.  God can take it.  I too wonder why he didn't answer my prayers when the doctors were trying to revive him.  And to this day I still love that the pastor who did Corbin's service started off his service by saying "They say God has a plan for everything.  Well if this is God's plan - then God's plan sucks!"  He actually said that!

I've found punching pillows, screaming and running have been good outlets for pushing my anger out.

{{HUGS}}

lrichmond86

I remember being around 2 months out from my loss and feeling just like you do.  I wasn't sad nearly as often as I was downright furious.  I was angry at the world and I hated God (if there was one) for giving me a baby and then taking him away.  I know it's what everyone says about everything around here, but it's true... this too will get easier.  There are still days that I am very very angry.  There are also days when I am very very sad.  But the farther out I get the more happy days there are in between.  I'm so sorry that you're in this stage of the grief right now.  I found it more difficult than the sadness that initially came with our loss.  I hope that this period passes quickly for you.  Sending T&P for you tonight!

wmthorpe0815

     I am so sorry your dealing with this crazy emotion. I still have moments of sadness and anger that make me question the universe but I cant be mad at god. I was a christian but didnt make a full on commitment to him.  But I have had random people tell me the most inspiring things. I pray that he helps me get through this and hope that he lets Letson send me reminders of their love. This sucks and no one should have to deal with the death of their child.

The first thing I have thought was " My life has already sucked so much why do I get to deal with another shitty situation." If you ever feel motivated to have a relationship with god I recommend you read "Heaven is for real". It gives me a little bit of hope that I may see her again. And as much as I may want to shun God I know that for my childrens sake I need to hear every possibility. I hate this for all of us. Lots of love and {{hugs}}

tubbsy32

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I started reading this book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" and it has helped in the sense of feeling angry with God. ((hugs))

pb127

I had a lot of anger too. Recently, I've transferred all of it onto my old OB. I really thought she was amazing at first but after having 3 losses with her, I think she's a dumb b!tch.  No, it's not rational, but I don't care.  It keeps my anger focused to one place and it no longer consumes me.  I have even had conversations with DH about what a dumb b!tch she is and you know, the anger just stays there... tied to her... and nowhere else in my life. 

Sending lots of (((hugs))) and thoughts of peace for you and your DH.