XV11Star, how are you doing?

sarahtoledo

I wondered how you (and your betas) are lately?  

As for me, after MTX, I had a good drop, but the docs are disappointed in my most recent numbers.  The 400 ten days ago was good, but the most recent draw, at 328, is not encouraging, I gather.  No plan yet here.

XV11Star

Hey!  thank you so much for thinking of me!!  I have been ok... I had a big drop from around 400 to 34, 10 days after my 2nd round of MTX.  The same day of the draw I had incapacitating cramps that lasted a couple of days, with some bleeding and grossness passing.  I pray that was the last of it... but now am back to spotting, no idea what to expect anymore.  I am going back in this week - not sure which day yet, for a -- hopefully -- final beta.  I just really need to hear I am at zero, I just really, really want to hear that. 

But then what?  I just feel "it" is slipping away.    I mean seriously, what are my options and odds here?  Pretty frickin slim.  I am 40 and DOR, and OOP, and SOL I think!!  I feel like the longer this goes on, the further away I get... I am terrified of another m/c, I am frankly even more terrified of the increased risks for birth defects.  My RE said I have something like a 10-15% chance of success per IVF cycle.  It scares and depresses me that even when a woman my age gets a BFP around here, it seems like they don't stay that way...  I can't afford DE or adoption, so I am trying to start to think - or starting to think about thinking about (!?) this being the end of the road here.  But I come to The Bump every day and still wonder and ponder and obsess sometimes... Would the next time be the charm?  Could I be the odds maker in a good way for a change?  It's such a gamble, and I am not a gambler.  Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I am definitely not ok.   Is this a normal pattern to be following?  I wish there was a map. 

How are you feeling about all of this?? 

I am still wishing you a plummeting beta!  It is the very least we deserve, right??

AmCheri

Sneaking in to say that I'm thinking about you both. Big hugs. I'm sorry it's so hard.  

XV11Star, I'm feeling pretty much all those things you mentioned. I was borderline ok (not excited, not optimistic, just ok) with trying again until the nurse looked like someone had died at my baseline and said I might be canceled. SOL is exactly how I feel. Why bother?

Thinking zero thoughts for you both. Keep us updated!!!  

Mrs.McIrish

XV11Star:

Hey!  thank you so much for thinking of me!!  I have been ok... I had a big drop from around 400 to 34, 10 days after my 2nd round of MTX.  The same day of the draw I had incapacitating cramps that lasted a couple of days, with some bleeding and grossness passing.  I pray that was the last of it... but now am back to spotting, no idea what to expect anymore.  I am going back in this week - not sure which day yet, for a -- hopefully -- final beta.  I just really need to hear I am at zero, I just really, really want to hear that. 

But then what?  I just feel "it" is slipping away.    I mean seriously, what are my options and odds here?  Pretty frickin slim.  I am 40 and DOR, and OOP, and SOL I think!!  I feel like the longer this goes on, the further away I get... I am terrified of another m/c, I am frankly even more terrified of the increased risks for birth defects.  My RE said I have something like a 10-15% chance of success per IVF cycle.  It scares and depresses me that even when a woman my age gets a BFP around here, it seems like they don't stay that way...  I can't afford DE or adoption, so I am trying to start to think - or starting to think about thinking about (!?) this being the end of the road here.  But I come to The Bump every day and still wonder and ponder and obsess sometimes... Would the next time be the charm?  Could I be the odds maker in a good way for a change?  It's such a gamble, and I am not a gambler.  Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I am definitely not ok.   Is this a normal pattern to be following?  I wish there was a map. 

How are you feeling about all of this?? 

I am still wishing you a plummeting beta!  It is the very least we deserve, right??

Butting in too.  XVIIStar--- I feel so much the same way. I can't afford DE or adoption either and frankly I have a like a 1% chance with IVF. I wonder why I am even bothering a lot of days.

sarahtoledo

Thank you all for replying.  I am feeling really alone again and NEED to stop feeling so hurt and depressed.

We are OOP and and lower income -- both in the arts.  I am 95% sure we are moving on to nonprofit domestic infant adoption (we've found three groups with fees around 10K), donor embryo, or a traditional surrogacy situation -- my sister has offered, but I'm not sure if she's really ready for all that it entails.  I'm done.  I sobbed for an hour on the way home from my MTX shots and kept repeating, "don't ever let me do this again, don't ever let me do this again..."  My poor H.  But I remember that feeling and I have almost no desire to try again.  I finally hit my limit.  I'm getting back on meds that I can't be on while TTC.  I am ready to never see my RE's number pop up on my caller ID.  I am dying to be done.

I am sending my best thoughts and prayers out to all three of you.   And Star, I can't wait to hear that you hit zero.  

XV11Star

I love not feeling so alone in this, but I hate that we are in this at all. 

Big tight hug for you ladies, you are in my thoughts and prayers!