Shared custody

ldoo

So I know a typical arrangement is for the non-custodial parent to have EOW and one or two nights a week.

My STBXH won't be ready just yet for overnights, but he does want that eventually. And I know that's best for the kids.

My question: Is that a healthy schedule for a 2 and almost 4 year old? Also, on the weeks he doesn't have them, does that mean he only sees them the 2 days during the week? Doesn't seem fair. (I should mention that since my mom watches them during the day, he gets to see them every day at lunch time. Do I include that as part of his visitation time?)

Any suggestions on alternate arrangements? Like, when it's my week to have them on the weekend, he sees them twice during the week but also has them Sunday for dinner...??

Any advice would be great. I want to maintain my "share" as the custodial parent, but I want him to have lots of access to them.

CFjo2010

At 2 and 4, it's really important that the children have frequent contact with both parents.  I know my husband's schedule with his daughter when we first started dating (she was 2 at the time) was much different than my XH had with our children at that age.  Distance plays a big role, so if you are relatively close then more frequent visits are feasible. Is he not ready for overnights because of his living situation or because he's not sure he can handle it?

Are you agreeable to him having the kiddos for a dinner visit a few nights a week?  He can pick them up after work, have them for a couple hours and then bring them home for bedtime.  Plus some extended time on weekends, such as every other Saturday (1st, 3rd, 5th) from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., and then every other Sunday (2nd and 4th) for the same timeframe will give the kiddos plenty of time with him and help maintain that relationship.  It really comes down to how much time you are willing to allow. 

ldoo

jobalchak:

At 2 and 4, it's really important that the children have frequent contact with both parents.  I know my husband's schedule with his daughter when we first started dating (she was 2 at the time) was much different than my XH had with our children at that age.  Distance plays a big role, so if you are relatively close then more frequent visits are feasible. Is he not ready for overnights because of his living situation or because he's not sure he can handle it?

Are you agreeable to him having the kiddos for a dinner visit a few nights a week?  He can pick them up after work, have them for a couple hours and then bring them home for bedtime.  Plus some extended time on weekends, such as every other Saturday (1st, 3rd, 5th) from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., and then every other Sunday (2nd and 4th) for the same timeframe will give the kiddos plenty of time with him and help maintain that relationship.  It really comes down to how much time you are willing to allow. 

So you mean instead of every other weekend, where one weekend he doesn't see them at all, instead making it so he has them one full day each weekend? Might be a good idea.

Basically I want them to get good time with him in a healthy way. Not switching every other day. But not staying away too long from either parent.

He doesn't have beds for the girls yet, plus I want time for them to adjust to their new sleeping arrangements at our new house and to train the 2 year old to sleep in a toddler bed.

CFjo2010

ldoo:

jobalchak:

At 2 and 4, it's really important that the children have frequent contact with both parents.  I know my husband's schedule with his daughter when we first started dating (she was 2 at the time) was much different than my XH had with our children at that age.  Distance plays a big role, so if you are relatively close then more frequent visits are feasible. Is he not ready for overnights because of his living situation or because he's not sure he can handle it?

Are you agreeable to him having the kiddos for a dinner visit a few nights a week?  He can pick them up after work, have them for a couple hours and then bring them home for bedtime.  Plus some extended time on weekends, such as every other Saturday (1st, 3rd, 5th) from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., and then every other Sunday (2nd and 4th) for the same timeframe will give the kiddos plenty of time with him and help maintain that relationship.  It really comes down to how much time you are willing to allow. 

So you mean instead of every other weekend, where one weekend he doesn't see them at all, instead making it so he has them one full day each weekend? Might be a good idea.

Basically I want them to get good time with him in a healthy way. Not switching every other day. But not staying away too long from either parent.

He doesn't have beds for the girls yet, plus I want time for them to adjust to their new sleeping arrangements at our new house and to train the 2 year old to sleep in a toddler bed.

I know this worked really well with my husband's daughter at first.  He had overnight visits every weekend (one weekend it was Friday night, the next it was Saturday night) but at the age of 2 more than one night was hard on her.  But he had dinner with her 3 or 4 nights a week, and more time if her mother was working.  Once she got a bit older, the overnights increased and she transitioned pretty easily.

ldoo

jobalchak:

ldoo:

jobalchak:

At 2 and 4, it's really important that the children have frequent contact with both parents.  I know my husband's schedule with his daughter when we first started dating (she was 2 at the time) was much different than my XH had with our children at that age.  Distance plays a big role, so if you are relatively close then more frequent visits are feasible. Is he not ready for overnights because of his living situation or because he's not sure he can handle it?

Are you agreeable to him having the kiddos for a dinner visit a few nights a week?  He can pick them up after work, have them for a couple hours and then bring them home for bedtime.  Plus some extended time on weekends, such as every other Saturday (1st, 3rd, 5th) from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., and then every other Sunday (2nd and 4th) for the same timeframe will give the kiddos plenty of time with him and help maintain that relationship.  It really comes down to how much time you are willing to allow. 

So you mean instead of every other weekend, where one weekend he doesn't see them at all, instead making it so he has them one full day each weekend? Might be a good idea.

Basically I want them to get good time with him in a healthy way. Not switching every other day. But not staying away too long from either parent.

He doesn't have beds for the girls yet, plus I want time for them to adjust to their new sleeping arrangements at our new house and to train the 2 year old to sleep in a toddler bed.

I know this worked really well with my husband's daughter at first.  He had overnight visits every weekend (one weekend it was Friday night, the next it was Saturday night) but at the age of 2 more than one night was hard on her.  But he had dinner with her 3 or 4 nights a week, and more time if her mother was working.  Once she got a bit older, the overnights increased and she transitioned pretty easily.

Sounds like a good idea. 

What about:

Mom: Mon, Tue, Fri, Sat.

Dad: Wed, Thur, Sun

Does that seem fair to all and doable (we've agreed that I'll have them more of the time)?

CFjo2010

Sounds reasonable. As long as it works for both of you then everyone, most importantly the KIDS, win. 

ldoo

jobalchak:

Sounds reasonable. As long as it works for both of you then everyone, most importantly the KIDS, win. 

Thanks! I mentioned it to STBXH, and he seemed to be OK with it. He pointed out that I'd never have Friday or Saturday free. But, I can switch if I want. Or more likely, I'll be living with my mom, who can keep an eye on the sleeping children if I want to go out with friends.

CFjo2010

tifanico:

I would suggest you to switch the days NOW so you have a day free during the weekend. Right now, you think that you dont need to go out but with the time, you will find that you will need time for your self. It was actually nice of him to point that out. 

^^ I agree.  You may not think you need "free" time right now, but one day you will.  If he's willing to switch some things up, that's a really great sign that the two of you are going to be able to work together on things.  It's always good when the parents can be flexible with each other, the kids will notice it too.

ldoo

jobalchak:

tifanico:

I would suggest you to switch the days NOW so you have a day free during the weekend. Right now, you think that you dont need to go out but with the time, you will find that you will need time for your self. It was actually nice of him to point that out. 

^^ I agree.  You may not think you need "free" time right now, but one day you will.  If he's willing to switch some things up, that's a really great sign that the two of you are going to be able to work together on things.  It's always good when the parents can be flexible with each other, the kids will notice it too.

You guys might be right. So maybe I have them Sun.-Mon. and Thur.-Fri. He has them Tue.-Wed. and Sat.

And it was nice of him to bring that up. When he's in a good mood, we're perfectly fine talking these things out. But when he's not - it's really, really bad.

ldoo

tifanico:

So you better have things written before he has a mood change or changes his mind. 

We actually haven't written a parenting plan yet (his crack lawyer didn't freaking attach one to the temporary order when he filed). But you make a good point that I need to make one myself through my attorney ASAP.