It's been 6 months

weddedwife

It's been 6 months since Nathaniel was born & died. I almost can't believe it & yet sometimes I can't believe any of it ever happened. I have changed so much in these past 6 months & yet I look at my day to day life & can't believe how little that has changed. I should have 2 kids @ home- everything about my life should be different... but it's not.

I can, however, look back on how much progress I've made since right after he died. I dont cry every day anymore, I can talk about him without breaking down. I can laugh & enjoy moments and even have hope for the future in spite of it all. But it doesn't get "better". I have just made room in my heart for the grief; it's really the only way I can love Nathaniel, is to grieve him. Sometimes the grief still overtakes me but those moments are farther between now. I am not moving on, but I am moving forward. There is no other choice because life is forward-moving by design.

I will always love my son. I doubt a day will ever go by that I don't think of him. There will always be someone missing from our family.

I am a changed person. I am more sensitive to others grief, more aware of how amazing and special my daughter's life is, more able to enjoy the little things in life. I can be more in the moment than ever before. I can let the little things go, because they are unimportant. I am also more alone, more vulnerable, more angry.

I don't think anyone IRL will remember the significance of today, but I know you ladies will. I know you share my sorrow, my struggle, my picking up the pieces. I wish you all moments of peace in your journeys of grief, even if they are just that- moments. You are all special to me, even if we've never met. We are connected by our terrible experiences, bonded by our beautiful hearts. They say all mommies love their babies but I know now that it takes a special, amazing kind to love your baby beyond the grave.

I know what it means now, love transcends death. Love doesn't end there, it truly never dies. I do not regret my son, despite what happened, because I cannot love him and regret him both.

So today I celebrate his life, there was joy in his existence. Today and everyday I mourn his loss. I am grateful for the ways he has changed me for the better, and devastated by the havoc his death has wrought. I never knew I could feel all of this at once. 

 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

{{HUGS}}.  I'm happy to see that you're celebrating Nathaniel's life and happy to see the progress you've made.  I don't think our grief will ever go away, we just learn to handle the situations that get bad as time goes on.  Thinking of you today and always.

tubbsy32

What you wrote is beautiful! You sound like you are in a good place. I love how you said it, "moving forward, not moving on". Bc you are def right life keeps on truckin'. I hope you have a good day in honor of your baby boy. ((hugs))

Heatherhah

So sorry and hugs to you!!! Happy 6 month angelversary sweet Nathaniel!!

LuckEinLuv

Oh sweetie!  What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful little boy. As you know, I am 5 days behind you. You have put into words the way my heart feels. I value every second of DS1. I mourn having 2 little boys at home. I find so many more moments of joy an laughter. I still have times of crying like my heart is breaking anew. All my love to you sweetie. Remembering Nathaniel today and always. 

dandywarhol

Sending love to you, Nathaniel, and your family today.  

tuscanbride2007

Hugs and prayers to you and your family today as you celebrate a life that was cut way too short.

jbranden12

Thank you for this beautiful post. Happy birthday to Nathaniel!

barbie92

What you wrote is beautiful. Sending you love and hugs today. 

xxswebbxx

Thank you for sharing. What you wrote was beautiful. Sending Hugs!

barrona

I love how you said "not moving on, but moving forward". That is so very true. I am thinking about you lots today and remembering Nathaniel always!

MandynStephen

Your words are absolutely perfect and brought me to tears.  ((hugs))

foxxy1

That was so beautiful! Just wonderful. I couldn't have said it better myself.

nuttycoconut

Happy 6 months baby Nathaniel.

Super big (((hugs))) to you. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us and for giving those of us who are a few months behind you some hope that we can and will be ok eventually.

BronwynJaede

weddedwife:

I know what it means now, love transcends death. Love doesn't end there, it truly never dies. I do not regret my son, despite what happened, because I cannot love him and regret him both.

So today I celebrate his life, there was joy in his existence. Today and everyday I mourn his loss. I am grateful for the ways he has changed me for the better, and devastated by the havoc his death has wrought. I never knew I could feel all of this at once.

Thank you for putting everything I am feeling into words.  What a beautiful tribute to Nathaniel.

pb127

I'm late but still sending lots of (((hugs)))

This was so beautifully written WW.  Sending lots of (((hugs))) to all of you and to sweet Nathaniel.