Well here goes nothing...

xxswebbxx

I dunno quite what to say. Today has been a week since we lost our Olivia. We knew she was sick (PA-IVS....she had half a heart) but we were not prepared for this to happen. All the doctors kept telling us she would need 3 open heart surgeries over her first few years of life, that she would be in the hospital for about 2 weeks and that she would be able to go on living life just as a healthly child. I had to have her at 34 weeks due to sudden onset of severe preclampsia (sp?). She was alive for a few hours before she went into cardiac arrest. She passed away in my arms. I feel like its my fault she isn't here with us. If only I could have kept my pressure down for a few more weeks, maybe she would have had a better chance. Since i've been home from the hospital I have been so emotional with no desire to do anything. I don't feel like talking to anyone or having company. I don't want to plan a funeral. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day hoping to eventually wake up from this nightmare. I still have prenatal doctors appointments & ultrasounds I should be going to or I should be spending my days sitting in Children's Hospital while Olivia has her surgeries. I don't belong here now. I feel so bad for my 6 year old daughter who was looking foward to being a big sister. She is mad at us becasue she didn't get to see or hold her sister. My cousion came to visit with her 9 month old & just seeing my daughter play with her had me in tears....I don't think they will be coming back for awhile. I'm concerned for my husband who seems to just be going on with life just like nothing happened. He is already talking about having another. Just the thought of that makes me feel guilty...you cannot replace a child. I'm angry at people who I know have had abortions in the past. They all now have multiple children. We tryed to get pregnant & wanted this baby so bad! Why have they been blessed so many times? Why am I thinking like this...what is wrong with me?!  I know i'm all over the place but there is just so much going threw my head my fingers can't keep up.  

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Olivia.  Please know it was not your fault.  After losing Eliott, one of the hardest things for me to deal with was the feeling that the world was moving on around me while my world had come crashing down.  Nothing is wrong with you for what you're feeling.  Welcome to the board - I hope you find some comfort here.

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Olivia.  The feelings you're having are so normal given the situation.  The guilt, extreme sadness, anger... it all comes in waves, and while I can't say it's gone away for me, the waves do get further apart with time.  Your husband's feelings sound like my husband's.  It's hard for them to understand the bond that we have with our babies.  I kept having to remind mine that he only held our baby for an hour.  I held him for 8 months.  This is a terrible club to be in, but I hope that you find support from all of the wonderful women on this board.  Sending my T&P!

tubbsy32

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Olivia. There is nothing wrong with you, we have all felt the feelings that you are having. I wish none of us had to be here, but it is a very supportive place. I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

xxswebbxx

Thank you so much ladies. I'm glad I have a place to go & if need be vent. Its much easier to talk about stuff on here. I don't think support groups are gonna be my thing...I just cry whenever I have to talk about Olivia. Mornings are the hardest for me because I wake up and sometimes forget. The whole situation just isnt real yet.

dandywarhol

I'm so sorry about the loss of your little Olivia. Cry, vent, ramble, stay in bed, do whatever you need to do to get through the next minute, the next hour, and the next day. I stayed in bed with the curtains drawn for the first week after Sylvie died. As the others mentioned, grief will come in waves.

Try not to be too hard on your husband. Men and women grieve differently and it can be difficult to remember that.  

I hope you can find some support and comfort from the women on this board.  

LuckEinLuv

 I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Olivia.  My son also had PA-IVS. Just so you know, there are many women on this board who terminated for medical reasons.  Vent here as often as you want. {{HUGS}#

xxswebbxx

I completely understand terminating for medical reasons. I didn't mean to offend anyone by making that comment. With these 2 who are close to me, that was not the case. It was pure lack of responsibility and them taking the "easy" way out. Basically using abortion as a form of birth control.

weddedwife

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Olivia. There is nothing wrong with you, everything you are feeling is normal. I hope you are able to find comfort on this board as I have. Big huge hugs.

MandynStephen

((Hugs))  Please don't blame yourself.  It's not your fault.

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Olivia. Grief is funny, it takes you on an emotional roller coaster. Please know that we are all here for you whenever you need to talk, vent or rejoice. I find it a very comforting place to come to when I am feeling overwhelmed. Hugs to you.

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your Olivia. I understand mornings being hard. Sometimes I wake up and wonder for a second why things feel different, then I flash back to the Dr. telling me there was no heartbeat and the whole thing rushes back to me. I hope you can find some comfort here.

samakasrc

I don't have much to add, but I want to say I'm sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault, please know that.  Many of us have felt the same feelings you are feeling and had the same thoughts you are thinking. There's nothing wrong with you, its a normal part of the greiving process. Sending big hugs your way...

nuttycoconut

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Olivia. (((hugs)))

blessedhope

((hugs))

pb127

I am so sorry for the passing of your sweet Olivia.  I am sorry you have to join us, but I hope you'll find some comfort here... welcome and (((hugs)))

Please don't blame yourself for any of what happened. We all try our best for our LOs and do the best we can... please do be gentle with yourself, especially right now.