Immaculate Conception?

rsp247

So as much as I try to be civil to LO's father the more I don't want to talk to him. I send him a message telling him I have a dr's appointment, he sends me one saying he can't get over me, and how depressed he is and that his life has no meaning. I send him a message on LO's progress (like all tests came back negative fore birth defects!!), I hear nothing back from him.

 I send him a message that I would like to come by and collect my things from his house, even taking his feelings into consideration and asking if it would be easier for him if I went when he wasn't there. (becuase apparently every time he sees me he winds up back in the hospital because he tries to kill himself.) He sends a message back for me to grow up and he is so happy he is going to move back to Minnesota.

He promised me in Feb that he was going to start looking for a job. When I asked recently if he had found one yet he said his therapist said he should go on disability. He hasn't worked in 6 years! His ex said when he lived in MN with her he never had a problem working then when he moved back NJ all the sudden he had a dr's note saying he couldn't work. It is now 6 years later and he is still pulling the I am to depressed to work ish. If he is so depressed then why do I see pictures of him out drinking with his friends all over facebook.

Anyway I told him I had bought furniture for the baby and told him how much it was and he didn't offer to give me any money towards it. And since he doesn't pay child support for his first child one can only assume he has no intentions of getting a job and paying for this one either.  So since we were never married and he plans on leaving the state if I never go for child support and he never goes to court for visitations does my baby just not have a father and I can leave it at that or do I still need to go to court and file for sole custody?

 

PrettyInPearls23

You have sole custody until the father goes to court and files otherwise. You need to file for child support -- I don't care if your X doesn't have a job and doesn't plan on getting one. Your child deserves to be financially supported by the man who helped bring them into this world.

 

I don't know how it really works since I was married when I had my DS, but some of the other ladies on here might be able to help with how to file for CS w/ an absent father. Whatever you do, PLEASE don't not file for CS simply because it's "easier" to not deal with your X. Your child deserves better.

 

In the meantime, stop letting your X know what's going on with your Dr appointments, what furniture you've bought, etc. If he cares, he'll bother to ask. By starting that communication with him, you're opening up the opportunity for him to be crazy and start rambling off with his sucidial thoughts.

ashleyann331

Gotta love people who always play the victim or use the depressed card to get out of being functioning members of society.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he has no intentions of helping to take care of either of his children. Generally if one baby isn't enough to make someone change, then a second baby isn't going to either. As far as his poor me act ( I know I sound really harsh, but people who are usually depressed tend to keep it inside and try to make it better with help but he is instead of advertising it as a way to get out of being an adult) you need to ignore it. Don't give into him and give any sympathy. It seems like hes getting enough of it from everywhere else he can. If he is okay enough to go out drinking (who is paying for that?!?!) then he is okay enough to go out and get a job. Keep him informed about your child but limit the conversation to that.

Getting him to help you support the baby is going to be difficult, but not impossible. I'm not sure your financial situation but if you apply for something such as financial assistance or medicaid then the state (and I'm sure its any state) will have you fill out forms for CSS/ORS and you provide them with his information, your information, little one's information and if/how he has helped you with the baby in the past. If you know his whereabouts then they can track him down- I'm assuming hes plans on staying on disability and since thats drawn off someones SSN then he won't be to hard to find and they pretty much stay on top of him. He probably won't be ordered to help you financially till he gets a job but the minute he does they will start drawing support from his income. If you decide to just not persue the issue with he and he decided to take you to court one day for visitation, he will also have to explain why he has not helped you raise your child and the judge will also order him to help support the baby as well as work out visitation. You always have the option of just letting everything go and supporting your child on your own, which may be what you want to do. Either way your focus has to be on your child, and not him acting like a moron.

rsp247

Thanks for the advice ladies, I got busy at work and didn't get a chance to come back on last night. He isn't on disability he said his Dr thinks he should go on it.  His father just pays his cc off every month. I am not well off but I manage I have a full time job and support myself. I make to much for assistance or medicaid.

When I spoke to his ex she said she did go after him for child support, that is when he produced a Dr. note saying he couldn't work because of his depression. He never asked for visitation.  

I have my family that will be here for me and the baby. Just knowing that he has a temper and can be abusive (since his ex wound up with broken ribs) I would just rather him not be part of my life anymore.

My mother took me out of a bad situation as a child and I feel like him being part of LO's life may not be very productive. I remember being disappointed by my father time and time again. Not showing up for my father daughter dinners, dance recitals, graduations.  I look at his 6 year old and see all the disappointment that she has already endured from him, I don't want that for my child.  

I'm just scared that if I do go after C/S he will want visitation, and want the baby shipped off to him in MN every summer when he moves out there. And I can't picture Handing my child over to someone that I know is unstable and wants to kill themselves all the time. 

CFjo2010

Get your CS.  Start the paperwork as soon as the baby is born.  They'll make him do a paternity test and then they'll start calculating CS.  I'm not sure what State you're in, but in CA the Court will imput him at a certain income level if he's not currently working (usually full-time at minimum wage which ends up being appx. $1,300 a month).  If he refuses to work and goes on disability or unemployment, the State will in fact intercept those payments so that your child is provided for.  It takes some time, but it will happen.  Additionally, the arrearages just keep accruing and never go away.  Any tax return he files will be gone each year, they will levy bank accounts, suspend his Driver's License... the list goes on.  But you really need to go through your State's CS agency to have it done because the State has more power than an attorney.  As PP said, if you go on any sort of State aide, there will be more aggressive enforcement and collection efforts made against BF.

 As for visitation, no Judge is going to allow a newborn to fly for extended visits.  It doesn't happen.  Keep records of any and all suicide attempts he's made.  Medical records can always be subpoena'd if necessary.  And as PP said, he has to ask for visitation in order to get it.  And just because he asks for it and gets it, doesn't mean he'll use it. 

Good luck!

rsp247

Thanks.