losing friends

ifwisheswerefishes

is anyone else finding rifts between friends growing since becoming pregnant?

i lost a dear friend recently because she so strongly disagreed with how i am choosing to handle my pregnancy. she is also pregnant, and is going the "strict rule follower" route -- not just the obvious ones, but the stickler ones, too. and because i still drink some caffeine and use my old shampoo and makeup products, i am a bad mother who doesn't care about myself or my child.

it hurts a lot to be cut off this way for differing opinions. is anyone else struggling with close relationships turned judgmental?  

Pokedot

I have not, however...if she was a "friend" she wouldn't be dissing you over shampoo and caffeine. I think this shows you just how strong your friendship was in the first place!

macy42

I know this is going to sound pathetic, but I really don't have friends. DH and I live in a new area (extremely rural) and don't know many people except for the people we work with. I did make a couple friends (my age) but they have all moved away!! I really don't talk to anyone from high school/college because I'm so far away.

I will say that one of the friends that moved from the area I now live is also pregnant (she 7 weeks ahead of me) and we talk at least once a week. Not once have we had a disagreement over what's best for us or our babies... and we do have some differing views. 

Sounds to me like your ex-friend needs to grow up. 

DerpityDog

No, but I only have like 2 friends anyway.  Since we're having kids later than most of our peers, I've felt the disconnect for a long time.  Our friends with kids back home never had the time or the desire to do anything with us.  Then we moved to a new city and struggled with finding new friends who were in a similar life boat (everyone seemed to be either over-aged partiers or more folks-with-kids-who-never-leave-the-house).  I know things will change when our baby comes, and I hope that being part of the "Club" will mean our social avenues open up a little more.

TAGSL710

I have a friend that, when around her is pretty decent, but doesn't ever want to hang out or talk with the rest of our group anymore because we are all starting families. She hasn't said that but I can tell-just on different pages. I just hope she realizes I do still plan on having a life with children-just not as wild before. 

mommy510

Oh, thats sad! I havent had that exact thing happen, but some of my friends that dont have kids dont talk to me as much... we just dont have a lot in common i guess. At least you can make new friends with other moms and have shopping trips and playdates to look forward to. 

OceanLover26

I had a friend that stopped talking to me because I decided to chapter out of the Army on account of getting pregnant with my daughter.  He treated me like I was throwing everything away, and I looked at it like I was holding onto what was important.  My husband works and supports our family extremely well, my income was just second to his.  I even explained to him that I was going back to finish my college BA and he still acted judgmental.    Sorry to hear you are going through that.  Hopefully she will see just how petty she's being.

 

Jenna3628

One of my "friends" from work has started ignoring me completely since she found I am pregnant because she and her husband have been trying for 18 months with no luck.

I'm sorry that she's having such a hard time, but it makes me mad that she wants me to feel bad that I got pregnant before her.

Newt69

I am kind of in the same situation but of my own doing. I have written off my best friend since 5. We live a few hours apart, its always me going to see her. I understand that her and her family doesn't have much money but she cant spare 50$ worth of gas money to come see me. Or even ask to borrow it, she knows I would send it to her in a blink of an eye. Also I do not agree that it's always woe is me....no money, constantly going to the ER for her back, always on some type of pain med. We both have the same issues with our back, mine from car accidents...yes more then 1 hers from giving birth....I have a super labor intensive job and manage through the pain with no pain meds, even before I had surgery I hardly had meds. She hasn't worked in over 7years and it just pisses me off that her and her family are living off the system when she is more then capable of working, even if its part time somewhere. And here I am busting my butt everyday 40+hrs a week to just make it, and sometime I have to rob peter to pay paul to buy groceries.

 

(i know this is an awful thing but i just cant deal with the toxicity she brings into my life anymore)

rarazz

 Double post

rarazz

Jenna3628:

One of my "friends" from work has started ignoring me completely since she found I am pregnant because she and her husband have been trying for 18 months with no luck.

I'm sorry that she's having such a hard time, but it makes me mad that she wants me to feel bad that I got pregnant before her.

Im sorry she is acting like that but she may be removing herself from a situation where she is afraid she will do or say something to upset you. I'm not saying how she is acting is right but maybe she is doing it to prevent hurt feelings or from burdening you with her troubles. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it, it sucks.

Shazzie116

It sounds like she's just a crappy friend and you're better off. How do your decisions effect her? Not at all. She needs to grow up.

As far as my friendships? I see my friends at about the same frequency. If I see them less it's because they're going bar-hopping or I'm tired, and there's a mutual understanding. I'm sure it'll be even more different once the baby is here, but I am fine with my friendships changing. My family comes first. 

Bodoni

Jenna3628:

One of my "friends" from work has started ignoring me completely since she found I am pregnant because she and her husband have been trying for 18 months with no luck.

I'm sorry that she's having such a hard time, but it makes me mad that she wants me to feel bad that I got pregnant before her.

This almost exactly... except she was my best friend for the past 10 years... Now all she does it talk behind my back.  Whatevs... it's her loss!

MomiJerz

OceanLover26:

I had a friend that stopped talking to me because I decided to chapter out of the Army on account of getting pregnant with my daughter.  He treated me like I was throwing everything away, and I looked at it like I was holding onto what was important.  My husband works and supports our family extremely well, my income was just second to his.  I even explained to him that I was going back to finish my college BA and he still acted judgmental.    Sorry to hear you are going through that.  Hopefully she will see just how petty she's being.

 

 

I too got out when my daughter was 2 after a tour in a Iraq and missing  an entire year of her life I couldn't do it . I know that wasnt an easy decision for youths it sucks your friend didn't have your back ! 

pai314

I haven't lost any friends really... but my best friend and I have grown VERY apart.  And she hates kids and isn't afraid to say so.  Yesterday she kept saying how much she hates kids, especially other peoples kids... so I don't know that our friendship will last much longer after baby comes.  Plus she hasn't been understanding of me not being able to just do whatever... and tells me I still have to do this or have to do that after the baby comes... and usually its things that definitely won't be happening for awhile after the baby comes.  Luckily I've always been closer with my family than any "friends"

numb3rMel

I have one friend like that but its me putting the distance between us. I knew she was going to turn into "Ms know it all" when I got PG. It wasn't a surprise that everything I do is wrong and that I should look to her for advice because she's super mom, duh! it annoys me to no end. When she had her kid, she wrote off all of her friends and smugly comments about how much better her life is with just me and another friend in her life. Great! That works for her, but I hate how she puts it on me. That she's chomping at the bits till I only have her as a friend. I know life will change in a big way but I have no intention on writing off friends. Pp change and pp grow apart. Understand. However, I'm not as giddy as she was/is to have no life outside of her super mom duties.

brideandbreve

I haven't really lost friends due to this pregnancy, but I did lose a few when I had a miscarriage back in 2010. My diagnosis had a lot of treatment/follow-up to it, and although I kept things to myself and didn't grieve outwardly and I wasn't an AW about it, a lot of the girls I socialized with were pregnant right around the same time and had babies within months of each other. I wasn't part of the Mommy-to-Be Club, so I started getting uninvited from social functions and left out of baby showers, birthday parties, and holiday BBQs. Stuff like that.

drubie

DerpityDog:

No, but I only have like 2 friends anyway.  Since we're having kids later than most of our peers, I've felt the disconnect for a long time.  Our friends with kids back home never had the time or the desire to do anything with us.  Then we moved to a new city and struggled with finding new friends who were in a similar life boat (everyone seemed to be either over-aged partiers or more folks-with-kids-who-never-leave-the-house).  I know things will change when our baby comes, and I hope that being part of the "Club" will mean our social avenues open up a little more.

 This to a t. I'm hoping to meet some like-minded new parents in some of our classes. My hospital also has a new moms lunch every week, so I might find some more potential friends there! 

mrs.kapow

SharkFarts:

This is just the beginning of differing opinions on how to best raise your child. Honestly, you're probably better off without that kind of "friend". You should be able to disagree with someone without losing a friendship unless it was something that was ACTUALLY dangerous.

I was thinking the exact same thing.  

Personally, I didn't lose any friends just because I had a child. Do I see them less? Yes, but I also make the time for them and they make the time to see me and my daughter because we're important to one another.

Posts like this and its replies just make me happy to have mature friends who are growing up with me. 

DerpityDog

I'm hoping to do the same.  I've also found a local Meetup.com group that just started, so I hope something good comes of that, too.  You may want to see if there are any in your area.

bonjourbelle05

I have a friend who has become very distant since I became pregnant.....I was really terrified it was because she was TTC and it wasn't happening, but it turns out it wasn't (we both have a really good friend in common)....she is just terrified of having kids (the responsibility, etc) and so she doesn't know how to handle the situation....I'm hoping she'll come around once she sees I'm still me just with a baby/some different responsibilities.

ArtificialRed

I've managed to alienate most of my female coworkers by getting pregnant. FTR I work at a college bookstore. I've spent most of my time since January just trying to make it through the day. I used to be honest and say it's hard, pregnancy is different than I expected, etc., but a lot of the girls didn't seem to understand. So instead of getting their judgement I just stopped talking- about me or them (sorry, but I don't care about your college girl drama). I probably come off as quite the b!tch.  The guys are much easier to talk to, they'll ask me "how's the incubating going?" I'll say, "it's tiring," and they'll say "huh, so did you hear about XYZ dumb basketball nonsense?" I may not like talking about ESPN all the time, but it's way better to joke around about stupid stuff than get faux pity or judgement.

As for my friends, I barely have time for them between the exhaustion, school, and job drama (for me and DH). Most of them seem to understand and I'm hoping I'll be a better friend now that school is letting out and I'm quitting that job.

damabo80

brideandbreve:

I haven't really lost friends due to this pregnancy, but I did lose a few when I had a miscarriage back in 2010. My diagnosis had a lot of treatment/follow-up to it, and although I kept things to myself and didn't grieve outwardly and I wasn't an AW about it, a lot of the girls I socialized with were pregnant right around the same time and had babies within months of each other. I wasn't part of the Mommy-to-Be Club, so I started getting uninvited from social functions and left out of baby showers, birthday parties, and holiday BBQs. Stuff like that.

I noticed the same thing. After I had DD, the invites started pouring in since we were now part of "parent club" rather than "the weird infertile couple club". We live smack dab in the middle of suburbia. A childless couple is like the plague around here.  

So, I guess I had an opposite experience than the OP. I have more friends now that I did when we didn't have kids.  

brideandbreve

damabo80:

brideandbreve:

I haven't really lost friends due to this pregnancy, but I did lose a few when I had a miscarriage back in 2010. My diagnosis had a lot of treatment/follow-up to it, and although I kept things to myself and didn't grieve outwardly and I wasn't an AW about it, a lot of the girls I socialized with were pregnant right around the same time and had babies within months of each other. I wasn't part of the Mommy-to-Be Club, so I started getting uninvited from social functions and left out of baby showers, birthday parties, and holiday BBQs. Stuff like that.

I noticed the same thing. After I had DD, the invites started pouring in since we were now part of "parent club" rather than "the weird infertile couple club". We live smack dab in the middle of suburbia. A childless couple is like the plague around here.  

So, I guess I had an opposite experience than the OP. I have more friends now that I did when we didn't have kids.  

Same here. Everyone's up our @sses 24/7, wanting to know what we're up to, what we're doing, where we're gonna be on the weekends, and how I'm feeling.

ifwisheswerefishes

see, the majority of my other friends have been great. most of us have grown up together, got married around the same time, and are now having our first babies together. it's a pretty awesome community for the most part.

i honestly don't think it was my getting pregnant that alienated her. it was my choice in HOW i was BEING pregnant. and it's frustrating, because i'm doing what my doctor approves, i'm being safe and careful on the things that matter, and i'm taking great care of my body and my baby. 

god bless my amazing friends who are still supportive and wonderful through this pregnancy

mrs.kapow

rachelandjon09:

see, the majority of my other friends have been great. most of us have grown up together, got married around the same time, and are now having our first babies together. it's a pretty awesome community for the most part.

i honestly don't think it was my getting pregnant that alienated her. it was my choice in HOW i was BEING pregnant. and it's frustrating, because i'm doing what my doctor approves, i'm being safe and careful on the things that matter, and i'm taking great care of my body and my baby. 

god bless my amazing friends who are still supportive and wonderful through this pregnancy

I'm glad you do have good people in your life. So I stand by what I copied earlier. You are better off. Judgmental pregnant people turn into judgmental mothers (for the most part) and that is not something that goes away. You'd just be judged for giving your kid McDonald's once in a blue moon or allowing him or her a sip of juice even if your child says please, thank you and you're welcome while their children scream bloody murder.

I'd appreciate what you do have and let this girl come to the realization that she's alienating others.