What doe your DH call his children?

bridesmom1

 First, I lurk here from time to time and I am so impressed with your ability to support each other!  I wish such a board was availble years ago when our famly blended and things were incredibly difficult..

Quick back story...my husband has  a daughter by a previous marriage who is married and has a family of her own.  We've been married for 30+ years and he still refers to her as "my daughter".  We have children of our own who he calls by name.

Why do you think he still refers to her as "my daughter" even tho I've often asked him to use her name?

thx!

Ginlyn0

Why wouldn't he? My DH calls my SKs "my son", "my daughter", "our son", "our daughter", "my kids", "our kids", "the kids", by name, "the girls", "the boys".  It depends on the context. I do the same. Why do you think he needs to call her by her name only? I guess I'm trying to see why it matters.

fellesferie

When our kids misbehave, they're "your kids," and when they're being good, they're "my kids."

When we talk about them, it's honestly mostly just "him" and "her." We only have one of each gender, so I'm not sure how things might change if we had multiple boys or girls.  

My DH does not have any children from a previous marriage; he's the stepparent in our house. And I have never ever said "my son" any differently than I would say "my daughter" (who is my daughter w/ DH). 

Maybe it's just how he thinks of her in his head. I can understand why it might bother you a little. 

Ilumine

Why does it bother you? 

Is it that he is differentiating/excluding YOU from the equation, ie you have had nothing to do with raising her? 

Or is it that you think that he doesnt care about your children you had together because he won't call them MY {insert daugher/son}?

 

Ginlyn0

fellesferie:

When our kids misbehave, they're "your kids," and when they're being good, they're "my kids."

When we talk about them, it's honestly mostly just "him" and "her." We only have one of each gender, so I'm not sure how things might change if we had multiple boys or girls.  

My DH does not have any children from a previous marriage; he's the stepparent in our house. And I have never ever said "my son" any differently than I would say "my daughter" (who is my daughter w/ DH). 

Maybe it's just how he thinks of her in his head. I can understand why it might bother you a little. 

Yeah, we do the "your kids" thing too LOL.

bridesmom1

He definitely cares about our children and he's a good dad....I supposes it is the exclusion.  When she was growing up  she was far away so her visits will be for several weeks at a time.  I was never allowed to discipline her and if I ever ask her to do anything (like put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher) I am "picking on my daughter".      Now that there are grandchildren involved "my grandchildren" it's like it's multiplied!  God forbid I ask one of them to put a dish in the sink.  If I get the smart mouth back it's ok. 

Seriously I have so much respect for all of you!  Beware tho, when the kids grow up, it doesn't change!

Cheerilee

Perhaps he does this so he knows that YOU know who he's talking about.  If he came out of the blue and said "Sarah said hello," or "Sarah got a new car" (using a generic name b/c there are a ton of Sarahs) would you immediately know he was talking about his daughter or would you ask "Who's Sarah" or "Which Sarah"?  If "Sarah" isn't around much, saying "my daughter" makes things perfectly clear.  When you live with your kids and talk about them to everyone everyday, you don't have to distinguish.  

Saran

I always say my girls when talking to folks and DH could be standing right there. They are his girls too but I say it in an indearing way. When they are 30 I will always say my girls. When my baby arrives, I'll say my little man as well and again it's said to be indearing and not to exclude my kids father (DH).

lily_721

DH calls them "our sons."  I always find it amusing to see people's reactions.  DH was young when he had them (23 y/o) and I'm 10 yrs younger than him.  I look young so I'm frequently referred to as their sister.  LOL.  Poor DH. 

+j+k+

Strange. I don't know why this would bother you, but maybe there is more to it. I think he's just trying to differentiate that he means his oldest. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

DH calls his children both, by their names and by "son" and "daughter".

karleegirl

I see why it could bother you. It seems the bigger issue is the lack of respect ane him backing you with 'his daughter and grandchildren'. I sort of have an issue with these type of comments. My dh will say your son a lot in reference to ds1 (his ss). It's tone is very negative. Their relationship is touchy.

RandiWalsh

You've put up with this for 30 years!? I'm suprised they've shown you any respect at all with their dad not even letting you tell them to put a dish in the sink. I think you need to express your feelings in more detail with DH. I can see if he's talking to someone and referredto his child as opposed to your children together but not when he's talking to you. My husband is the stepparent in our house and when we married he took a vow to me and my daughter. And he has as much a hand in raising her as her dad and I do. I have done the feeling guilty thing and have gotten upset when he disciplines bc i think in my head he doesn't love her as much as I do so hes just nit picking. But I am quickly corrected by my DH. I see his side and apologize because I am wrong for that. I think it's been long enough and you need to let him know that those are your grandchildren and you love them but if you ask them to put their dishes in the dishwasher in your own home that's what their gonna do.

bridesmom1

Thank you all so much!   Like I said before, I wish you were here 30 years ago!  For years I walked around saying to myself "i'm not going to let a 10 year old kid ruin my marriage" , then "I'm not going to let an 11 year old...."  ...When I bring up anything about the situation, I'm told I am threatened by her or I don't like her.  The next time they visit, things will have to change!   Again, thank you and best of luck to all of you!