Single mom...

mixedqt21

So I made the decision a few days ago to end it with FI. We have been having issues getting along and fighting a lot since I was pregnant. For the sake of wanting to keep our fam together I tried and tried to make it work but deep in my heart I fell out of love. He is distraught by all of this and still wants to work through it. 

For the sake of our daughter we are being grown ups. He was very angry and hurtful at first but I can understand he feels heartbroken. Now we are working things through but in the meantime we are in the same house in desperate rooms just taking care of DD.  

For any of you that have been through this please tell me everything will work out. I know that my happiness is the most important thing ad I can't take care of her if I'm not happy. I have never believed in staying together for children because they can sense tension in the household.  I'm not worried about him taking care of her because I know he will. But I dread the day she asks me why her father and I are not together. Transitioning to a single mom is gonna be rough but I know in my heart I have to do what is best for me. Right? 

Jen0204

I haven't been through this, but I just wanted to say good for you for making the decision that's best for you and your DD.  So many parents stay together "for the kids" and when there's a lot of fighting involved it really isn't a better environment for them.  I can't tell you how many times I wished that my parents would divorce when I was younger.  And she's so little that she'll grow up just accepting this as a normal way of life, which should be much easier then if you separated when she is old enough to realize what's going on.  Good luck!

HappyToBe2012

While the decision wasn't easy, if it is the best thing for you and you DD, that is what you need to do.  Parents who are separate but happy are much better than parents who are together, miserable and fighting all time.  I've watched my cousin go back to her son's father so many times over the years because she feels they need to be together for their son.  Yet when they are together all they do is argue, fight and otherwise not get along.  But separately and apart, they are wonderful parents.  Sometimes it truly is beat for the family to not be together.  Doesn't make it easy but why should you all be miserable?  DD included.

noryang

I have only been through this as a child. But I can hare this with confidence...Without a doubt. - two happy but separate parents was FAR superior than together but miserable parents. Interestingly, my step daughter agrees with this as well. She was miserable when her parents were together but fighting or sad all the time. She prefers them apart. Stay strong. The best decision for you will be the best decision for your child.

Jlobebe2012

Hey there, I wanted to say that I think this is a very brave decision, and if it is the best thing for you and your DD, then do not question yourself or future questions your DD will ask you, trust your insticts, and follow your gut.

My parents divorced when I was 12, and when I reflect upon childhood before 12, all I remember is them arguing and fighting, and I wish they would have divorced sooner, so I could have had a more positive enviroment as a child.

Hang in there mama, this has to be one of the most difficult decisions of your life. You absolutely have to do what is best for you so you can be the best mom and role model for your DD.

megahof

I'm one of the lucky ones whose parents are still together, so I can't offer any firsthand advice. However, I did break off my engagement with my fianc? just 5 days before the wedding - it was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make, but not a day goes by that I'm not glad I did it. I didn't love him, and I realized (fortunately soon enough) that I didn't deserve to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn't love. It was a tough couple of months, but I got through it. You will, too. If you know that this is the right decision for you, then you have nothing to worry about.

Your daughter will ask one day why you and her father aren't together, but I think that divorced/single parents are so common these days that it won't be as much of a shock to her as it might have been when we were kids. And think of it this way: when your daughter is old enough to fall in love and get engaged, she will see you as an example of a strong woman who risked the difficulties of single parenthood to be happy, and to provide her child with a home without the stress of fighting parents. I would think that she would respect you for that.

So hang tough, kid. You'll make it. PM me if you want to talk. 

btartaroind

I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially with a small baby. I agree with PPs that it is better to have two separate happy parents then together parents who are always fighting.

With that said, I don't know what you and your FI have been through, but i would suggest trying verything before calling it off. Being in love and loving someone is hard work that is a decision every day. For your DD and for you, I would try everything just to make sure you are making the right decision and you won't regret it later.

This is a reading by CS Lewis I had at my wedding and it makes me cry every time I read it. Hopefully it brings sone encouragement if you are thinking of trying again. If not, I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you can move on to a happier life! 

   Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.  There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.  You cannot make it the basis of a whole life.  It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.  Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all.  Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last, but feelings come and go.  And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ?being in love? usually does not last? But, of course, ceasing to be ?in love? need not mean ceasing to love.  Love in this second sense ? love as distinct from ?being in love? ? is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.  They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself when you do not like yourself.  They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ?in love? with someone else.  ?Being in love? first moved them to promise fidelity:  this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run:  being in love was the explosion that started it.

jewerner

FI has a 4 year old daughter with his ex wife, and in a weird way? its better they split while she was so young (like you are). A few weeks ago she came home from preK and said" hey daddy, did you know that some kids mommys and dadys live together?" Very matter of factly. He heart visibly sank, so I jumped in and said " yes, but youre so lucky! You have mommy and bob (her boyfriend) and me and daddy who all love you so much!" And she just smiled and said "yup!" then went on in her 4 year old way talking about her dog. This young? they dont even know better. Their life is what it is, the end. And by the time they know enough to ask, they'll be smart enough to understand the answer. Best of luck to you and good for you doing whats right.

karleegirl

I was a single parent for 10 yrs. When ds1's father and I split up years ago it was the best for all involved. We were not happy together. Ds commented the other day that he couldn't imagine us together and was glad he had his stepparents. Being a single mom is hard but I don't for one minute regret the way things worked out. My one piece of advice is get a custody agreement worked out in the near future. I don't mean to be negative but you guys may not always get along and it's better to have things in black and white. Good luck to you !!

mixedqt21

Thanks for all the encouragement and kind words.  I am lucky to have family nearby that is a great support system. My mom wants me to move back home so that they can help me. I am trying to swallow my pride because this is the last thing I want to do but I know it will make my life so much easier. He still wants to continue trying but I feel that I have finally hit that last point where I have no fight left in me. 

My parents divorced when I was young, right around the time I finally started remembering things and I am glad that they split. I absolutely love my stepdad and he was always wonderful to me. I just hope that the next few months of transition can go as smooth as possible. I'm scared and sad but I know that I have to keep it together and get things done.