Is it normal to think "why me?"

watermellens

or why my LO?

DS was diagnosed with PDD-NOS and will be starting speech 3x a week and special ed 2x a week as early as next week. 

I'm pretty okay with it, but I look at other babies and see/hear what they're doing/saying and often think why me and why us?

Am I alone? 

lite-bright

Not in the least. I'd venture to say that all of us have felt that way. 

I would get very angry at first, wondering WTH this was happening to MY child, why my sweet, innocent, defenseless girl was going to have to struggle so much with ASD while other kids were just going to be able to do things without even thinking about them. 

And that other parents could just pop out typical children without a care, without really worrying about having a SN child, or appreciating how lucky they were.

I think it's pretty typical. I still get jealous sometimes, but it's way better than it was at first. It's part of the grief process.  

 

ToastieSimons

DS was born with special needs.  He screamed day and night for 8 months.  I spent a lot of time in that sleep deprived state with my ears ringing crying about "why me" "what have I done to deserve this" "what has my child done to deserve this torture".

It's a stage of grief.  Sometimes it still hits me that this is my life.  That DS's needs will never end and this is going to be forever.  

Grief is a long process, but please know, you are not alone. 

MaxandRuby

Definitely not alone!

We are almost 2yr post diagnosis (CP) and I still think "why me/why LO" sometimes.

Assembly_Reqd

Yes.

You can also turn that around though and think "Why NOT me?"

nomadica

Totally normal. We're a year post diagnosis (PDD-NOS, too), and usually I am in a pretty good headspace around everything. But this morning I was on the phone to my mother, crying "Why us? Why me?!". That happens a lot less frequently than it used to. But hey, we're human!

soontobeahigh

I felt that way when we got our diagnosis and sometimes I still do. Its hard to see other little girls my DD's age that are typical and see what they are doing. Its been harder than normal lately getting all the IEP stuff started too.

watermellens

-auntie-:

Sounds like you have some good services in place. Congratulations on that.

That said, I think most parents go through a "why me?" phase until their child gets out more in the real world and it morphs into "why him?".

I'm having my own little pity party tonight. On the way home from the store tonight I saw the fleets of stretch Hummers and party buses ferrying my son's classmates to senior prom. My facebook page is filled with my friend's pictures of their kids taken at the pre-prom cocktail party thrown by one of my friends. DS is in the other room watching a DVR'd "South Park" with his dying cat and my DH. It's not just that DS doesn't have a girl he could have asked, he doesn't have a close enough group of friends to have gone stag with either.

I know it's a real first world problem, but it would have been nice to share in this. And if one more person dismisses my feelinsg with a story about how they didn't go to their prom either I might get violent.

okay that made me giggle a little. Sorry about the prom, that really does stink. And thanks for your comments

watermellens

Assembly_Reqd:

Yes.

You can also turn that around though and think "Why NOT me?"

Good point - I've thought about that too, but haven't really come to terms with it. Maybe DH and I are just the people to raise a child with special needs....maybe we have enough patience, love and understanding. Hmmm.

Justinlove

-auntie-:

Sounds like you have some good services in place. Congratulations on that.

That said, I think most parents go through a "why me?" phase until their child gets out more in the real world and it morphs into "why him?".

I'm having my own little pity party tonight. On the way home from the store tonight I saw the fleets of stretch Hummers and party buses ferrying my son's classmates to senior prom. My facebook page is filled with my friend's pictures of their kids taken at the pre-prom cocktail party thrown by one of my friends. DS is in the other room watching a DVR'd "South Park" with his dying cat and my DH. It's not just that DS doesn't have a girl he could have asked, he doesn't have a close enough group of friends to have gone stag with either.

I know it's a real first world problem, but it would have been nice to share in this. And if one more person dismisses my feelinsg with a story about how they didn't go to their prom either I might get violent.

It always hurts to see our kids "left out."  I don't care if people want to call it a first world problem--it doesn't make it sting any less. 

Assembly_Reqd

-auntie-:

DS suggested that James would be better off with a mom like me right now and then said, given his Aspergers, he would have been screwed with anyone but me for a mom.

Umm, How awesome is that! This totally made me smile.

goldenleaves

You are definitely not alone in thinking that sometimes! I wrote a whole blog post about it. Mostly I now I think of "why me" in the sense that we are the lucky ones. But there are times that it hurts. I'm sad sometimes that life will be harder for Lauren in some ways than out older kiddo will never experience.

Justinlove

I cannot imagine that there is not a single SN parent who hasn't had the "why me" pity party.  What is important is to pull yourself up by the bootstaps and realize that self-pity is not going to change or improve the situation so you get past it.  We all have our weak moments---and sometimes it can be the smallest, most seemingly insignificant thing that throws us back to that place for a moment.  Those are the times when it is great to come over here and vent.  We've all been there and will be there again so we really do understand!

 

suzymarie

-auntie-:

I'm having my own little pity party tonight. On the way home from the store tonight I saw the fleets of stretch Hummers and party buses ferrying my son's classmates to senior prom. My facebook page is filled with my friend's pictures of their kids taken at the pre-prom cocktail party thrown by one of my friends. DS is in the other room watching a DVR'd "South Park" with his dying cat and my DH. It's not just that DS doesn't have a girl he could have asked, he doesn't have a close enough group of friends to have gone stag with either.

I know it's a real first world problem, but it would have been nice to share in this. And if one more person dismisses my feelinsg with a story about how they didn't go to their prom either I might get violent.

That sucks.  That is what scares me the most- DS not getting to do (or enjoying/caring about) all the stuff that is a benchmark of growing up in the US.  Prom doesn't define kids (hopefully!) but unrelated to your post, I was thinking about my junior and senior proms this morning, and the dresses I wore.  It was a 5 sec mind-wander while putting in my contacts.  Makes me so sad to think my kid may not get that, lame as that may sound.   

lindzed

Totally normal.  One thing that has helped me over the last few months is to also notice things other children do that my son never does.  For example, my son doesn't say hurtful things, he doesn't intentionally hurt anyone, he is never disrespectful.  These types of things have helped me get past some of those feelings.

mommyof4boys

After the 1st kid, yup.  I was pissed.  After kid number 2, pissed at the world.  After kid number 3, pissed at God.  I am still not always in a good place but I am getting better.  My 1st kid to be dx has a 16p11.2 duplication, autism, apraxia, and a bunch of other issues.  Kid number 2 to be diagnosed has Global Developmental Delays and we think he has Aspergers but he hasn't been dx yet.  Kid #3 has PDD_NOS, dyslexia, dysgraphia, apraxia, and a few other issues.

AB&TB

Of course you are not alone.  I am certain that all of us live with these thoughts.  I know I do.

bumpuser511563

We all go there every once in awhile. I know I have yesterday.

I took DS to Burger King to play on the jungle gym. After about half an hour on the jungle gym, he started crying. I had to go get him. Once I got him, he could not tell me what happened. I asked him if he was hurt and he kept crying. He would have shown me if he was hurt. After 15 minutes, I asked him if he wanted to play again. He said no.

I think I chalked it up that there was a kid that was mean to him. We left.

smiling76

ToastieSimons:

DS was born with special needs.  He screamed day and night for 8 months.  I spent a lot of time in that sleep deprived state with my ears ringing crying about "why me" "what have I done to deserve this" "what has my child done to deserve this torture".

It's a stage of grief.  Sometimes it still hits me that this is my life.  That DS's needs will never end and this is going to be forever.  

Grief is a long process, but please know, you are not alone. 

It's kind of funny--because that's how it started with DS1.  He just was "colicky" so I thought--- cried and cried---never ever EVER slept--- and of course neither did I.  I remember just crying myself ---but then thinking that someday it would get better....and it did in a way--but then a myriad of other issues ensued.  Little did I know.  Would I trade THESE issues for "those" ????  Not sure.  LOL.

OP-- totally normal.

I feel jealous and angry sometimes.  Sometimes in fact, I feel it towards my own husband who seems oblivious to the fact that any of this is actually happening.  He just thinks that DS1 is going to "outgrow" it all.  Ummm....ok.  That helps me....thanks for the partnership.

 

realisticdreams

Granted we are still getting new diagnosis (maybe that's why im so screwy in my grief process) with both girls.  It is completely normal to feel that way.  I have gone 2 years just 'dealing' with it (P is 2 1/2) but later this month I"m going to start seeing a therapist.  Sometimes I just need to talk to someone who won't keep telling me the are fine and OK, sometimes I just want someone to agree that it really sucks and not think i'm psycho for feeling the way I do.

The smallest things will set us all back but all you can do is know that you are doing everything in your power possible to help your LO lead the best life they can. It really does get easier.