Blended Families

Divorce is imminent.

Things continue to take a bad turn. DH is not accepting what his role is in this mess of a marriage and with his kids and told me today that we need to drop the expensive counselor, forgive and forget, start over, and I just need to be the J he knew and "Listen to him more".  I can not even tell you how I wanted to just scream at him. I just stared at him like WTF and said nothing. What can I say?  It's like he's in denial. 

I have no idea if DH will attend the next counseling session.  I told him tonite that he has until 48 hours prior to the appointment to decide if he wants to attend and I'm not going to ask him again after that.

I did not say "if you don't go, I'll divorce you".  I didn't mention divorce.  He knows our relationship is not going to survive if things don't change.  I know they won't survive without serious counseling and hard work on both our parts and I have made this clear to him already. I'm not going to threaten or keep repeating myself.  I can't save this relationship myself.

I have decided that I will file no later than mid June.  I have my reasons for why I'm waiting as long as 45 days. There are other issues related to the business, the finances, etc. that came up and I want to make sure I and my lawyers (yes lawyers- I had to add a second one) have the time to come up with a settlement he can't refuse.

DH eluded to me the other night in the process of a fight that maybe "we" should just get a lawyer and just dissolve the marriage.  This indicates to me he will not get one.  My lawyers are already working on sweetening the deal for him with things that don't really matter to me but would to him and putting in the disclaimer that he understands that he has reviewed and is not seeking counsel and is signing the papers of his own free will.

DH still does not know I am pursuing a divorce and have seen lawyers regarding this. No idea. However, he does sense that I've changed and starting to shut down.

There is so much more crap that I'm not even going to get into, but the toughest part for me will be the CO.  There will be things I will absolutely insist on that he may not like. It will be various rules about how much time he gets her, who she is allowed or not allowed to have unsupervised visits with (i.e. SD).  I'll even give up child support if I can protect DD from what I'm most worried about.

DD is my focus and my priority. Everything I decide, I ask, "How will this affect her."  Hopefully we can do this quickly and reasonably amicable so we can both just move on.

Re: Divorce is imminent.

  • Sh!t. I'm sorry. It's horrible that it seems like he just can't be bothered. From what you've posted it seems as though you've tried very hard for a very long time. I can understand that a younger child gives you a different perspective on what you are willing to stick it out for and what you aren't. I had really hoped for all your sakes that he would try. But it sounds like you're doing the right thing for your DD.
  • I've never really commented much on your posts but I've followed your story & I agree with wendilea that you've done more than people could expect. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, I too wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

    Sending you hugs & good thoughts. 

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  • When is the appointment scheduled for?
    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • Aw Honey....we are totally there for you.  And please remember, YOU have gone far beyond what anyone should have to go to make a marriage work.
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  • I'm so sorry but don't give up CS just yet. You can use it as a bargaining tool for years to come or just sock it away in a savings acct for DD. Sounds like you are covering your basis though which is really good. I hope things turn around, but I'd not you are strong and will survive
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  • imageIlumine:
    Aw Honey....we are totally there for you.  And please remember, YOU have gone far beyond what anyone should have to go to make a marriage work.
    I agree. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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  • Im so sorry.  I never saw anyone just not get it like this.  I cant believe he wants to quit therapy.  I know this must be hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do. 

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  • imageNineoceans:
    I'm so sorry but don't give up CS just yet. You can use it as a bargaining tool for years to come or just sock it away in a savings acct for DD. Sounds like you are covering your basis though which is really good. I hope things turn around, but I'd not you are strong and will survive

    I am so sorry it is coming to this. Ditto the above, your DD deserves the support silo try hard not to give that up, if there is no way for to to get him to agree to who can and cannot be around DD I understand why you would go there. And I am sure you have covered this already but I would make sure a CO states that he cannot have overnight visits if any adult is sleeping at his house, without you it will likely be a revolving door. Not sure if you plan on staying in state or movin but if so I would leave it more open for him visiting her and less time with her at his house.   

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • sprky - the next appointment is in a week and a half.

    He just isn't getting it. He just refuses to believe or hear me.  We sit in our sessions and I think he tells me and the counselor what he thinks we want to hear and then it's like we never went.

    The other day he talked to my dad and dad said he was talking so fast that dad couldn't follow him. DH is essentially telling everyone what he thinks they want to hear and painting this pretty picture. It's nothing like I've ever seen before.

    He's in denial.  That is what I've determined. 

    I am staying here. I am not moving. I may move to a different town and closer to work to save money, but I am not leaving the state and I will not move closer to DH if he leaves the state - which he is implying he would do.

  • imageLittlejen22:

    And I am sure you have covered this already but I would make sure a CO states that he cannot have overnight visits if any adult is sleeping at his house, without you it will likely be a revolving door. Not sure if you plan on staying in state or movin but if so I would leave it more open for him visiting her and less time with her at his house.   

    Definetly this.  You have put up with more then most. You need to do whats best for you and DD.
  • I am so sorry J. I hope that whatever happens it goes smoothly and you are able to find peace and stability. If you ever want to chat, you know where to find me.
  • image+j+k+:

    I am staying here. I am not moving. I may move to a different town and closer to work to save money, but I am not leaving the state and I will not move closer to DH if he leaves the state - which he is implying he would do.

    Damn that kills me, he skipped out on all of his adult kids and is ruining his marriage trying to make up for it and he is willing to skip out on his youngest now too.

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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    imageLittlejen22:
    image+j+k+:

    I am staying here. I am not moving. I may move to a different town and closer to work to save money, but I am not leaving the state and I will not move closer to DH if he leaves the state - which he is implying he would do.

    Damn that kills me, he skipped out on all of his adult kids and is ruining his marriage trying to make up for it and he is willing to skip out on his youngest now too.

    He hasn't been a parent to any of his 4 other children by 3 other women....why would he start now? 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I'm sorry J. Left Hug
    I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
  • imageLittlejen22:
    Damn that kills me, he skipped out on all of his adult kids and is ruining his marriage trying to make up for it and he is willing to skip out on his youngest now too.

    I am going to encourage him to stay here in Iowa. It's his choice, I can't make him stay, but I am going to give him every incentive and reason to stay.   If he does, he will get to see her quite often. I do feel that DH is in a completely different place than where he was 20 - 30 years ago.

    It will ultimately be his choice, but I can tell you - I will not be the reason he does not see DD. DH is responsible for some of his kid's issues, but their mother's played a major part of that with his adult children. 

    I have a very good friend who raised a little girl all on her own and divorced her father at the same age as DD.  He up and disappeared and her daughter was lucky to see him for a week or two each year.   Her daughter is a remarkable, talented, well adjusted young lady who will be graduating next year.  It is all due to my friend and the wonderful support of her parents and brother. I plan on modeling myself after my friend's methods. She has given my incredible advice and will be a major confidant as we go thru this together.

    DH or no DH - DD will be okay.  I will make sure of it. An absent daddy does not have to ruin her life, or be an excuse for bad behavior, as my adult SK's like to rub in his face often. 

  • I haven't posted much either, but like others I have followed your story.  I'm so very sorry for everything that you are going through.  In making your decisions on what to give up and what to fight for in your CO if it does indeed get that far, do not make any rash decisions based on just wanting to get it done.  I have gone through divorce and so has DH.  There are so many things that we both just agreed upon to get the papers signed and the divorce over with that we wish we hadn't have agreed to.  DH more so than me, but still.  Use a level head and consult with your counsel before giving up CS or anything that you don't want to regret.  

    That said we are all hear for you for support and I hope that you get through all of this with some peace on the other side.  

    image




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  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. Couples get married and the man goes into it expecting the woman will never change and the woman goes into it thinking the man will change..funny thing is we grow up and the men just think everything is peachy the way it was some odd yrs ago when you first met. I agree that DS will be fine, she will need that strong backbone but you will do that for her and please make sure you continue your counselling. You are very angry and it will only get worse, you need that 'out' to vent and unfortunately when we don't have that, we tend to take things out on the ones we love. You are doing the right thing, if you're not happy then you leaving the relationship with your daughter is what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck in your journey ahead :)
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  • image+j+k+:
    imageLittlejen22:
    Damn that kills me, he skipped out on all of his adult kids and is ruining his marriage trying to make up for it and he is willing to skip out on his youngest now too.

    I am going to encourage him to stay here in Iowa. It's his choice, I can't make him stay, but I am going to give him every incentive and reason to stay.   If he does, he will get to see her quite often. I do feel that DH is in a completely different place than where he was 20 - 30 years ago.

    It will ultimately be his choice, but I can tell you - I will not be the reason he does not see DD. DH is responsible for some of his kid's issues, but their mother's played a major part of that with his adult children. 

    I have a very good friend who raised a little girl all on her own and divorced her father at the same age as DD.  He up and disappeared and her daughter was lucky to see him for a week or two each year.   Her daughter is a remarkable, talented, well adjusted young lady who will be graduating next year.  It is all due to my friend and the wonderful support of her parents and brother. I plan on modeling myself after my friend's methods. She has given my incredible advice and will be a major confidant as we go thru this together.

    DH or no DH - DD will be okay.  I will make sure of it. An absent daddy does not have to ruin her life, or be an excuse for bad behavior, as my adult SK's like to rub in his face often. 

    I agree with you and don't doubt that you will encourage a relationship and your DD will be fine.  

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I don't have anything to say since I have said it all before. I truly believe that once you leave you will realize how unhappy you were and what a bad situation you were in. Don't waive child support. Your DD deserves to be taken care of financially by her Dad.
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  • imageKarma1969:
    I don't have anything to say since I have said it all before. I truly believe that once you leave you will realize how unhappy you were and what a bad situation you were in. Don't waive child support. Your DD deserves to be taken care of financially by her Dad.

    After the first sentence, I have to agree. I am very sorry that you and dd have to go through this, but what I know of you you are a sensible woman and a good mom. I know you will raise her to be opposite of her siblings. You'll be in my prayers, J. And for what it's worth, you can always post here and have my support.  

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