Child Support v. Visitation

captainobvious12

Please humor a lurker while she goes off on an early Friday morning rant...

 I am tired of hearing judges say that child support and visitation are two separate issues.  You can be behind on child support, failing to make any payments at all, failing to hold a  job, and yet you are still entitled to your 'time-share' or visitaton..

Here is my reasoning...

What if I didn't worry about what my child were going to eat today?  What if I didn't worry about putting a new, clean diaper on their bottom.  What if I just wiped 'em down every once in awhile, but didn't worry about the washes/soaps that didn't irritate their skin?  What if I figured that they seem healthy enough...they don't need insurance or wellness checks, or immunizations.

I will tell you what would happen. The state would deem me an unfit parent and have my child taken away and cared for by someone who was capable.

Why is the same not true for parents? Why is it one parents responsibility to do all of the providing, all the WORRYING, while the other parent can drag their feet on support and yet still get to enjoy their children.

It is a double standard. It is not fair.  And it is incredibly discouraging.

 /rant.

 

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achase123

I totally agree with you but it still is the way things work.  I see your point though. 

tjenbell

I totally see your perspective. In fact, when ex-dh used to tell me he didn't "have the money" to pay child support, I used to respond that I didn't have that luxury. That even if I didn't have the money, I still had to make sure he was fed, had a roof over his head, had school lunch money, that I had gas to get him places, that I had money for doctor visit co-pays, etc. There were no excuses for me.

But fast-forward 16 years and my ex-husband has become an amazing father in most other ways. Over the years, he became more and more involved, even when he wasn't paying child support. Today, my older son is a well-adjusted, well-loved, and happy kid at 17. He has never heard me speak an ill-word about his dad and he never will. Even though his dad is now two months behind on child support again. Urgh. It's all about my kid's happiness and what my older son deserves not what my ex deserves and has "earned" by paying child support. I used to get soooo pissed sending my son to his dad's, especially when, at one point, I had not received child support in more than two years. But he always came home from his visits to his dad's with a smile on his face and that alone made it all worth it.

ldoo

tjenbell:

I totally see your perspective. In fact, when ex-dh used to tell me he didn't "have the money" to pay child support, I used to respond that I didn't have that luxury. That even if I didn't have the money, I still had to make sure he was fed, had a roof over his head, had school lunch money, that I had gas to get him places, that I had money for doctor visit co-pays, etc. There were no excuses for me.

But fast-forward 16 years and my ex-husband has become an amazing father in most other ways. Over the years, he became more and more involved, even when he wasn't paying child support. Today, my older son is a well-adjusted, well-loved, and happy kid at 17. He has never heard me speak an ill-word about his dad and he never will. Even though his dad is now two months behind on child support again. Urgh. It's all about my kid's happiness and what my older son deserves not what my ex deserves and has "earned" by paying child support. I used to get soooo pissed sending my son to his dad's, especially when, at one point, I had not received child support in more than two years. But he always came home from his visits to his dad's with a smile on his face and that alone made it all worth it.

As someone who is about to start having to do the whole sharing/visitation thing, this is comforting to read. STBXH will certainly pay, but I'm likely to not get all the money I'm owed because he can't afford it. I will definitely let the kids still see their dad, and my fervent dream is that this divorce doesn't hurt them as people (they're so young now).

amarissa85

Totally get your point and it really is frustrating, at the same time I have never with held my kids from their father even though I am not getting CS...its very infuriating but at the same time you want your child to never look back and say i dont know my dad because she kept me from him u know? its a hard choice but what is the lesser of the two evils? when your child is old enough they will see for themselves what the other parent is like. i decided that long ago. sons father has NO idea who he is and i get pissy everytime he sends me a fb message asking how his son is...but i play nice and i answer him...when my son is old enough he will know exactly how sorry his dad is and i wont have to do a thing!!!

FyreFlyeRush

I agree. Sometimes, I even get resentful. But, I never keep my daughter from seeing her father. This baby may be a little different at first, as while I won't stop him from seeing the baby, I may suggest he bring money when he visits. He shows up without it, fine.

ashleyann331

I'm not sure where your from, but with my custody/visitation/child support it all looks like its going to be wrapped up until one. Though, I'm still pregnant so that might be why.

It is very unfair, but the law looks at it like a child needs both parents more than the "main" parent needs help supporting the child(ren) some guys (and women in some cases) use this to their advantage. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot that can be done about it and its got to be so frustrating to deal with someone who realizes how they can work the system like that. I'm pretty sure I'll deal with that sh!t here in about 4ish months.

However, I do see that the courts automatically tend to look at the mom as the better option for the "main" parent when that is not always the case. I think both sides have legit arguments for who gets treated better in court.