Birthday Blues...
My birthday is next week and it is sending back into a depression. I have all I can do not to cry every second. I keep saying I won't think things like this but I can't help it. My birthday would have been 12wks for my baby. That "magic" number. (or at least that was what I had been telling myself) It is also the age (41) that I told DH I was done trying because I would suddenly be too old. Everything about this bday is just a painful reminder.
I feel so sad and so alone. DH seem to be getting over it. He is just ready to try again. I feel like every time I think I am better, I'm not. I am scared to try again. I am scared to let him down. (this would have be his first)
Every day I go to work and I smile and I act fine. If people ask me I tell them I am fine. It was meant to be. I know it is for the best. I verbally vomit every line that makes me cringe on the inside, but I know it makes them more comfortable.I keep thinking if I just keep acting fine I will be fine. But I guess I am just not there yet.
I miss being pg. I miss my baby. I miss my dog (who died the week after the baby) Thanks for letting me get this out.
Hugs to anyone else who really needs one today because I know I am not the only one here who needs one.
Donna
Re: Birthday Blues...
i am so sorry to hear that
i do the same "yes i'm fine" and i mentally just lose it everytime i say the "f" word. no, i'm not fine, but how long can i mope?
*hugs* lots and lots of *big hugs*
lots of warm thoughts and good juju heading your way as well. i am so so sorry you have to go through this. it is a pain that none of us should ever have to know, and you've been hit double. i'm still numb to my emotions for baby, but i can definitely empathize with you losing your pooch... we lost our Bean (my dog) last year and it took me 8 months before i could talk about her without crying. i can't even imagine if it was a week apart. you are a strong lady to be able to handle this. as the old cliche goes... you are never given more than you can handle... *blech* but it does hold some truth. you can and will get through this and we all are here for you. you do not have to do this on your own and you are not alone. *hugs*
At the fu my doctor told me that they did not find any fetal tissue in the pathology. I didn't even know what to think or say to that. It was so hard just walking through the door. I was fighting the whole time to tell everyone I was "fine" and not cry.
She had me do a pg test. I waited 15 agonizing mins then the nurse said the test was neg and i was all set to leave. I was told if I was going to try again to wait two or three cycles.
I am still not sure how I feel about how the appt went.