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Blended Families
Karma1969
member
My re-blended family
Karma1969
member
Just throwing this out there. My 13 year old SS has a 19 year old brother. His Mom (SS Mom), kicked him out his Senior year of high school. Kid lived with a friend's family so he could graduate. He went to college last fall on a sports scholarship. He was unhappy at the school and dropped out. Mom wouldn't let him move back into her house and didn't let anyone in her family take him in.
I now have an awesome 19 year old football player living in my house. He's my son's brother's brother in a Jerry Springer way. This kid needed a chance. He's very respectful, a bit messy, eats a ton, has made a few poor choices in the past but we are so very lucky to have him as part of our family.
Sometimes people need a few chances before they get it right. We have rules and he breaks a few of them but what 19 year old wouldn't?
I give his Mom and her family the side eye for not doing enough or more for him. At 19 he has many years ahead of him that he still needs some parenting so he can continue to thrive and become an even more amazing adult.
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Re: My re-blended family
Thank you. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was a less than perfect teen myself. If it wasn't for my uncle taking me in I don't know where I would be today. I caused him quite a bit of grief too. I came from a very dysfunctional background and had many things to learn about making good decisions. No matter what, he always stood by me. He is my dad in everyway. I think you are wonderful for giving your SS's brother this opportunity. Reading your post brought back many memories. Thanks for making me cry at work lol.
Not saying you shouldn't have done this, or that you aren't right about his mom .... but, it kind of depends on the situation. It may have been a really unhealthy situation between him & his mom - sometimes it takes a third party to get a kid (and 19 is still kind of a kid) to actually learn and/or listen.
I know my brothers were not going to listen to a darn thing either of my parents said so eventually they had to learn it on their own - one from the state after he chose to move out (he wouldn't listen to ANYONE) and the other from various relatives, & later his superiors in the military when he was asked to leave at 21yrs because he was still not willing to do anything for himself (or stop the drinking, disrespectful behavior, etc). It wasn't what my parents wanted to do, but it was the better alternative... he would have been 40 and living in their basement with no job & no future otherwise.
ETA: I can't imagine my parents ever saying someone else *couldn't* take in their kid though... that's kind of odd.
Sounds like it worked out for you in your situation.
What was the reason she kicked him out?
Also, a kid MAY behave differently with his parents than he would with others. In my case with SS - due to his mother bashing BF for years, SS would constantly disrespect BF. He got punished - priviledges taken away, etc... but he CONTINUED to do so. This is just one thing that happened on a DAILY basis. As for SS respecting where he is currently living now - his maternal grandmother. He always had a soft spot for her because she constantly enabled him. She also had a soft spot for him, becuase SS mom never really nurtured him. Also, he just lost his paternal grandmother, so now you see a softer SS towards the elderly.
I get what you're saying Karma - truly I do. However, you know better than anyone else that you can't generalize everyone's situation.
I would give almost anything for you to have spent 6 months in my house with SS, one to two years ago.
He definitely wasn't the perfect child at all. Mom admits that she mad mistakes along the way as well. I'm sure he is better behaved at my house than he ever was at her house. She was a young Mom and didn't really dicipline him until it was to late.
I judge her more for not allowing his grandmother, grandfather or any of his aunts to let him come and love with them. His bio dad was never in his life. He has had to face many tough situations in his life, but who hasn't?
I do understand that some people on this board are in a no win situation. It just seems to me that sometimes the step parent seems to care more than the bio parent does and that's what drives me crazy. Also, communication can and should happen all the time and not just in a therapists office.
judge her more for not allowing his grandmother, grandfather or any of his aunts to let him come and love with them
I agree - this isn't cool at all.
I would judge them more for allowing someone dictate what they can and can't do in their own home.
I am glad your story seems to be working well. And I think it is awesome for you to give him a chance. When my SD graduated (those last few months were hell but we got her to graduation) and we told her no stealing, no drugs and she must work or go to school and she said she was an adult and we had no right to tell her what to do, a lot of people her friends parents gave her a chance, she went through probably 3 or 4 houses before she would even look for a job. I never would have told anyone not to talk to her or give her a chance. And I know there are things we could/should have done differently but I don't think we did that bad although her Mom basically abandoned her and I know it all played a part. In the end I am glad we did not continue to support what she was and was not doing. Almost 4 years later she is 22, has had a job for probably 2.5 years and does not appear to be stealing or doing drugs. Do I want her to achieve and want more, definitely but it could be way worse.