"Are you going to bring it up all the time"

sweetiestar

I have been having a really hard time lately, i am not sure why exactly. I had my D&C 4weeks 2days ago, i was 10.5 weeks with twins. My sister is pregnant, my cousin is pregnant and a handful of friends. and i do not begrudge them their babied just because my babies are dead. When my sister talks about her baby and how excited she is, i say how excited i am and what not. What bothers me is her constant complaining... god i feel so sick i just wish this was all over.... i hate being pregnant.... God i fell huge, i dont look pregnant i just look fat...and i expressed this to my mother that it was upsetting to hear because i want my babies back so bad, i would do ANYTHING. she said that i need to be happy for my sister and knock it off and just let these things roll off my back. My father says that i need to let my sister have her happy time, and pretty much get over it. he actually said are we going to have to hear about this all the time, when your sister has her baby are we going to have to hear about how yours are not here. (we were due a week apart). It just hurts, i am not looking for them to take sides or even reprimand my sister. I just want someone to say i know you are sad and i am sure that hurts. I don't know if i am being silly by getting upset and i should just be over it. But i am still crushed.   

bumpuser2669861

I am so sorry for your losses and I am sorry your family is not being supportive.  They should realize they can be supportive of you AND happy for your sister at the same time.  You shouldn't be expected to just "get over it" because it may inconvenience others.  I understand that it may be easier for them to focus on the happy rather than the painful and sad, but they are wrong to make you feel as if your feelings are invalid.  

kelly321

hugz415:

I am so sorry for your losses and I am sorry your family is not being supportive.  They should realize they can be supportive of you AND happy for your sister at the same time.  You shouldn't be expected to just "get over it" because it may inconvenience others.  I understand that it may be easier for them to focus on the happy rather than the painful and sad, but they are wrong to make you feel as if your feelings are invalid.  

This. You have a right to feel the way you do, just as she has a right to be happy about her baby. Are your parents the kind of people you can sit down and talk to about it? Tell them that you don't want to take away from your sister's happiness and their excitement over grandchildren, but you feel like they're not taking your grief seriously? I hope your DH is supportive of you during this difficult time.

sweetiestar

@kell321 i thought they were thats why i felt that i could tell them that her complaining all the time was hurtful and i just wish that she was more aware of my feelings when she was around me. But i guess i was wrong, because they were both very quick to jump that i was taking away from her. Which i am not, i am happy for her everyone deserves the happiness of a baby. But i should be able to grieve my babies. My DH is the best he is super supportive, he lets me cry to him all the time he says goodnight to our babies every night with me. He is amazing. there is just sometimes you need your mom. Or someone to say it's ok to be sad they were your babies.   

Laurakat81

I am so so sorry for your losses and for the lack of support you are receiving.

You shouldn't just be "over it". I wish it were that easy but you have suffered a huge loss and I'm sorry they can't see that. 

I hope you can confide in someone who understands but if no one IRL can be supportive this board will always be. (((hugs)))

karawalker

I am so sorry for your loss. I have recently had two miscarriages... one in december and one the beginning of this month. I have had to have surgery each time and they are now beginning to test my husband and myself because of the circumstances of both losses. I have two friends that are pregnant right now... we all planned to get pregnant together, I just happened to have lost my pregnancies. After the first loss it was tough to see them pregnant.. but quickly my sadness turned to happiness for them and hope that I would become pregnant again soon. Now, after my second loss, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide my sadness. I am truly happy for them, as I know you are for your sister. They are my dearest friends and they deserve the families that they have dreamed about, but I have a nagging feeling of jealousy and sadness when I think about the whole situation. I hope you know that you have every right to feel the way that you do, and I hope you work up the courage to talk to your sister about the way you feel.

The best and only suggestion I truly have for you is to talk with her when you are not overwhelmed with emotion and you can express the way you feel without accusing her of causing the feelings you have. I am sure that your sister will be able to relate to the feelings you are having... with that said, she will always talk about her pregnancy, and I am sure you would feel worse if everyone around you pretended like your sister wasnt pregnant to avoid upsetting you... but maybe, she will just be a little more understanding and keep the complaining for someone else's ears...

Keep your head up. Good luck TTC in the future.

 

fbf2006

While I do think that your family should be more supportive, I do think you have to let your sister complain/enjoy her pregnancy the way she would otherwise have done. I personally just went through preterm labor at 22 weeks and my baby girl didn't make it. I have a few friends (3) due in August, just like I was and one of my main thought processes after my loss was wondering how they would behave around me. I really didn't want them to have to walk on egg shells because of my situation. They have the right to talk about the good/bad of their pregnancies.