How has your relationship with DH/SO changed after loss?

julesverne

Shortly after Jack died, I came across a statistic that stated that roughly 70% of couples that have lost a child, will end up getting divorced. And I remember thinking, how could that be? How could the loss of a child not bring a couple closer? 

But over time, I can see where this could happen. And I was just curious if anyone is struggling..or maybe I just need to vent.

As soon as Jack was born, and for the 9 days that Jack lived, DH was wonderful and very supportive. But it seems as soon as Jack died, things changed. It started off as simple little things (the night he died, my Mom called and asked if we needed anything, etc. She knew that DH would be going to the funeral home the next day to start planning things (I didn't want to go for the initial visit) and asked if I wanted her to come off to keep me company. DH asked, and I said 'no', and he turned around and told her yes. A few nights later, as we were getting into bed, DH said if I needed him, just wake him up. So maybe a few hours later, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, so I woke up DH..he woke up enough to roll over, pat me on the shoulder and said "it's ok, go back to sleep", and he fell back to sleep. And over the years, whenever I wanted to talk about Jack-whether it was to just to talk about him or to vent over why the doctors didn't do more, etc..either DH will change the subject or not really talk about it at all.

I realize that people grieve in different ways, and all of that. And maybe it hurts DH to talk about Jack..I get that. But there are just times when I need him-to just hold me, and let me cry. I have brought this up to him before, and his response is that maybe I should go to counseling. I have entertained the idea before, but really I just need DH. Many people lost someone the day that Jack died. Our parents lost a grandchild, our siblings lost a nephew, our nieces and nephews lost a cousin...but it was only DH and I that lost our son that day. No one else had to go home to an empty nursery for month after month.

When DH and I first started dating, our mantra was that we could get through anything together. And now, when things are rough-if I'm just having a rough day at work or on the verge of falling apart because of some Jack-related incident, my first thought isn't to turn to DH for support because he let me down after Jack. Hell, after the funeral, we invited everyone over to his brothers house for dinner, and DH spent the entire time mingling with people. Again, I know that might have been his way of dealing with it..but I needed him with me. He just wasn't there for me, despite me telling him that I needed him. And over time, I have begun to resent him for it. When I needed him the most..he wasn't there. Most recently-I think it was around Jack's birthday-I decided to watch the view videos we have of Jack. I was sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out, and DH just simply sat on the couch behind me, asking what I wanted for dinner and telling DD that she needed to give Mommy a hug. 

Honestly, I just hate him for it. No matter how many times he apologizes, I can't get over it. The whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. We don't talk much to each other anymore. We exchange the general chit chat-"did you pay this bill? did you give DD her medicine" etc etc..but we just don't "talk" the way that we use to. We use to tell each other everything, now I feel like I live with a complete stranger. Out of nowhere, DH emails me at work a few months ago asking if I thought he should see a therapist...

me:"wait a second-let's back things up-why do you need to see a therapist?

dh: "oh, because I think I'm depressed about x,y and z"

me: "why didn't you tell me about any of this?"

dh: "because I didn't want to bother you with any of this

Huh? I know that maybe that's a double standard-on one hand, I admit that I don't tell DH everything, but then get upset when he doesn't tell me stuff. But c'mon..he didn't want to bother me with it? I'm his wife.

That's just 1 of many example of how our relationship was broken down over the years.

And I am sad to admit, that there have been a few occassions where I have laid my wedding ring on the coffee table and said that I was done. And honestly, if it wasn't for DD, and how heart broken I know DH would be if I left, I would be gone.

 We can't go to marriage counseling because our insurance won't cover it (it's not medically necessary)

 Anyone else feel like their marriage isn't going to make it? Please help. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but there are times when I feel like I just can't stand being with him for another moment.

Thanks. 

careyalis

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I honestly don't have any advice for you, but I am sending big huge hugs! My aunt and uncle ended up divorcing after my cousin died because they stopped communicating. Does your husband know how you are feeling?  Could you write him a letter explaining how you feel?  I hope things get better for you!

pottermommy

Oh honey.  I don't even have words for this....Well not proper ones but we all know me I have some...

My DH and I have gone through VELLEYS, not bumps and hills but canyons and mountains.  In the beginning we were untouchable nothing could break us, then we were bickering and so irritable with our lives and each other that I am surprised we are still standing.

He blames himself, I know he does he has told me, I don't blame him but sometimes I do wonder why.  I never ask him though, I don't want him to feel bad.  I never went to counseling either.  I just didn't think anyone else should be giving me advice when they didn't know me and my daughter, how could they tell me how to grieve if they never saw me live???  They don't know me, for all they know I could have always been a bitter old poop. 

We argued about it, I got very jealous of the fact that he could play video games and card games and forget, and I couldn't...ever....at all....

I love my DH, very very much but I would be lying if I told you we were the same as we used to be.  We aren't as passionate as we were, we aren't as touchy and lovey...We are weaker because we don't understand each others sorrow.  But we are stronger b/c we love each other inspite of it. 

I think he feels bad for me losing Kam, he feels guilty as a father but I think he feels guilty as a husband too.  He wasn't good enough or strong enough he said once.  My response, screw you I never asked you to be anything but here for me and you are worried about looking calm and collected....Yeah that didn't end well...

All in all I guess what I am trying to say is that you aren't the same woman he married and he isn't the same man you remember falliing in love with, now you have, have, HAVE, to get to know the new people that you are.. B/C if you keep looking for who you think each other should be, well you will never find each other...

But finding the person that is right in front of you is a challenge and you have to be willing to set aside everything you expect of him, if you don't than you are going to build walls and walls of resentment and love can only climb so high.

cherrycobbler

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I don't really have any great advice either.  I know you said that marriage counseling was out, but maybe you could go yourself and they might be able to help you out with being able to communicate with your DH in different ways.  Same for him.  I know men and women sometimes react and act in different ways and sometimes it is like we speak in different languages.  Maybe just having someone that you can talk to that can "teach the language" might help you to communicate your desires better.  I also think that the letter is a good idea, it might be a good way for you to write down everything you need to say without being interrupted and losing concentration, and he can read it without feeling ambushed.  Just tell him it is very important that the two of you make the time to talk about your needs and try to recognize his needs as well.  I hope things get better for the two of you, I have the fear that my relationship won't last because of our loss, but I have no reason to think that now.  I just hate that we are all going through this and it changes our lives in such profound ways, ways we never imagined, and losing our spouses after we lose our babies isn't something we should have to worry about.  Sending you big gigantic ((hugs))!  

tubbsy32

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Things have def changed with DH and I. And it makes so much sense to me what pottermommy says....we are different people so we have to get to know eachother again. I think that it's good that you are in touch with how you are feeling and although DH didn't tell you he was feeling  right away, he is tapping into how he is feeling also. Maybe you 2 will be able to start talking about feelings now. I wish none of us had to go through any of this. And cherry is absolutely right...we lost our babies there is no reason we should lose our husbands also. I hope that you and your DH are able to work on this and get to know the "new yous". ((hugs))

LuckEinLuv

I totally understand what you are saying. Sometimes I get so mad at DH for not missing Andrew the way that I do. I snap at him for no reason. He doesn't understand why I am still "stuck" in my grief. He pushes his way down deep and goes on with his life. I hope that it doesn't cause issues down the line, but I fear it might. 

weddedwife

It sounds to me like this is the fallout of two people grieving differently. He grieves like a man and you like a woman. Men are not mind-readers; they don't think and over-analyze things the way we do. If you want him to support you in a specific way, you have to tell him very specifically what to do. Not "Just be there for me"- men do not know what that means. You need specifics, i.e. "Hold my hand in a room full of people", or "When I need to talk about Jack, just hold me and listen. Don't try to solve anything." Men are do-ers and women are talkers. If you complain or are just venting about something, he hears, "Please fix this". And when he can't "fix it" he probably feels inadequate.

I recommend you figure out a way to get marriage counseling. To say you "can't" get counseling because it's not free or inexpensive is silly. Where there's a will, there's a way! If insurance won't cover it, find a way to make it a financial priority because your marriage, as well as keeping an intact family for your DD, could depend on it. I realize how incredibly expensive it can be, but you can't just give up because of that. There are churches, clinics, hospices that offer free or reduced cost counseling. Many counselors even provide it for a sliding scale fee. If DH and I get to this point I would move, cancel our cable, sell a car or something equally drastic to get the help we need.

Good luck to you; I hope it works out!!

DesiraeSunshine

Most individual counselors will do some couples or family work in context of howitrelates to their client. Fact is, a good deal of marriage counselors aren't covered bby many insurances. Some places have sliding scale fees as well as colleges if they have a program for therapy. Im sorry this is happening.

magdalina.h

Our relationship is stronger. We have rocky moments, but I think we're stronger. MH doesn't talk about Aidan, but lets me talk about him for however long I need to.

jbranden12

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this on top of the loss of your Jack. Right now, DH and I are each others support and we are feeling strong. However, we decided to seek counseling to try to ensure this continues. We get 12 sessions through my employer's EAP program.

I agree with the other ladies that you should seek counseling, both to help you in your grief process and your relationship.

My first thought is to try a local university with a counseling program. For my master's in counseling, I had to complete a 300 hour practicum where I did counseling to individuals and couples at no charge. It looks like Kent State University has master's programs and Phd programs in counseling. They also have a psychological clinic which is their training clinic for the Phd program. It says they offer therapy at a nominal fee, which probably means a sliding scale. Here is the website with contact information: https://www.kent.edu/about/centersinstitutes/psychological-clinic.cfm

Good luck, let us know how you're doing. ((hugs))

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Chels1222

I am sorry to hear you are having these issues.  I agree with the pp that state you need to find the money or a place that does it at a reduce price.  Your marriage and happiness is worth every penny.  With a degree in this I can tell you that I have learned the importance of communication.  You two sound like you are going in a continuous circle of issues.  I think your husband is trying to break that cycle by admitting that he may need to see a therapist and that he doesn't feel he can communicate with you.  Take the ball and run with it.  Start a weekly date night at the least where you get out of the house away from your child and talk together.  It doesn't have to even be expensive.  Do a trade up program for hours with a friend (you take their kid one night a week they take yours one night a week).  Then go for a walk, go for icecream, go to the park, or just sit on your back porch.  Anything that makes you guys communicate and not just stare at a T.V., movie, ect or run errands.  The first few times won't be comfortable probably, you may not talk much more then about the weather or how work is.  But slowly over time you can start learning about each other and figure out what you really need from each other.  Good Luck.  

pb127

Last year, after our loss with DS, we were a MESS. We definitely were falling apart for several months. It took many months of blow-out fights (almost daily) and leading independent lives before we hit a low point. After that, things have turned around 180 degrees. We talk more and are very honest (unbelievably honest) about everything since then. In this process, I've told DH that I need to talk about DS regularly, and we came to an understanding that we grieve differently. We also both make a real effort to be respectful of that difference... for example, sometimes, I will cry when I am alone and/or I will come here to get support from those on the board b/c DH doesn't fully understand how I am feeling just as I will never fully understand how he is feeling. All of this has made things a lot more manageable for us when we are at different stages in our grief (whether I am having a tough time or he is having a tough time or we both are... it moves in waves for both of us).  It's a tough road, but I am thankful we have come out the other side together so far.  I don't think this is a "problem solved" but we are taking each day as it comes and tackling the issues as they come.

I wish you all the best. I hope we can help you through these times and help support you. (((hugs))) 

ETA: Are you still in Stow? There is a non-profit not too far from there that does grief counseling. Maybe you could go as a couple?  PM if you might want the info.  Take care

medblais

Our relationship has changed quite a bit. We went through a Grief Recovery Workshop sponsored through the hospital Genevieve died in, which wasn't counseling, but a small group of families who lost babies in the NICU working on their grief together. At first my DH and I got irritated with the other very quickly, there was little communication, and a lot of fighting.  Definitely not a good time in our marriage. The assignments we completed individually for the workshops and then shared shed a lot of light and understanding on how he was feeling and opened up lines of communication for me to ask him questions or explain how what I feel is different. Before losing Genevieve, our communication in our marriage was very good, but our individual hopes, dreams, and experiences with our daughter made our grief difficult to communicate. After sharing the pieces from the workshop, we had opportunities to start communicating better about these things, and have a clearer picture of where the other was coming from. Now, I think our relationship is stronger than before our loss, because we support each other better, we learned to talk to each other in more effective ways, and we talk more openly about everything.

If the way you are communicating with DH now is not working, than the only answer I can see would be to find some type of help to improve it, whether that be counseling, grief workshops, books for ideas, etc.