Picking up on bad habits (long).

RHitch

On March 16th my sister was hit by a drunk driver and did not survive the accident (it's so difficult to say this). Since then, I have gained custody of her 3 children (their fathers are around, but not really AROUND, if you get my drift). Her children are very well mannered, the oldest two are self-sufficient for the most part (13 and 11 years old), and overall they have brought so much joy into our home. We have hiccups here and there, but that is expected when growing from a family of 5 (me, DH, DD, DS and SD) to a family of 8. The major issue I am encountering is that the 6 year old has some really bad habits that my 3 year old DD is picking up on. He always tells people to shut up, he calls people ugly, he knows how to stick up his middle finger, he lies, he uses foul language, he hits other kids and he is very sneaky.

 

I have tried talking to a few people about his behavior, but they keep saying "give it time he has been through a lot". Although I agree with them 100%, I also know that this behavior is not due to the accident. He was doing these things well before my sister passed away.  I used to argue with my sister about his behavior, and she used to tell me she was ?working on it?, but we never saw any changes in his behavior. 

 

When we volunteered to gain custody of them, I knew that his behavior would be a challenge for us, but when researching ways to help a defiant child, I did not factor in the fact that my 3 year old would be exposed to these things in the process.  Granted, she is not using bad words or sticking up her middle finger, but she is telling people to shut up and she is starting to sneak around and do things that I told her not to do.  This may seem small to some people, but my DD has always been very well-behaved, so this is out of character for her.  I know this is a transition for her too, but how do I assist her during this transition?  How do I help my nephew without my daughter picking up on his habits?  He does not act up in front of me and my husband, for the most part.  It?s usually while he is around other children or adults that he does not know.  Because of this, would it be best to make sure I am in the room with him and DD at all times, or is it over kill to be breathing down their throats every time they go into the playroom or outside?  I am so confused!  If any of you have gone through this, can you please offer some advice?

FutureMrsWittig

I am so sorry for your loss.

As for the kids, I think this is probably just growing pains.  Is your nephew in counseling yet to help him cope?  The counselor might have some ideas on how to consistently enforce that those behaviors are unacceptable.  And I agree with you, this kind of thing is absolutely not to be ignored just becuase he has suffered an incredible loss.  It's okay to acknowledge that but still provide consequences for unacceptable behavior.  "I'm sorry that you're angry.  I understand a lot of things probably don't seem fair to you.  But we do not use that kind of language under any circumstances.  Please go to your room and come back when you are ready to apologize."  Etc...

As for your 3 year old, I'd say she's probably just testing her boundaries.  Be consistent and let her see you being consistent with her cousin and I think it will stop.

RHitch

He is not in counseling yet, but will be as soon as possible

juliettodd

First of all I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  You are a wonderful person to take on this responsibility.  

We had these same issues with our youngest son and the best thing I can tell you is to hold him accountable.  Have consequences set up for his wrong doings and follow through.  All the while, love and hug him.  I would put my arm around YS and say "I'm sorry you made a poor decision but it does have consequences".  Then give him his consequences and move on.  I think it is very important to point out the bad decision and not make it about the bad kid.  YS had huge self esteem issues and was convinced that his behavior was the result of him being a bad person. 

Always let him know his possible choices and the results of those choices.  Too much lecturing and getting mad did not work for us.  Plus he was getting too much negative attention vs. positive.  It does take time so you have to excercise patience and know that Rome wasn't built in a day.  If you are consistent, it will work.  If he knows that bad choices will get your fur up (some kids enjoy pushing adults buttons) then you are giving him power.  If you behave calm and just let him experience his consequences without withdrawing the love and positive attention he will realize he is only hurting himself and start showing better behavior. 

Nineoceans

I am so sorry I have no advice but just wanted to say what you did for your niece and nephews was absolutely awesome. Im sorry again for your loss

Wahoo

I think you'll be doing your nephew a favor by having consistant rules in your home.  You need to love him (which I'm sure you do!) to have the same high standards you have for him as you have for your DS/DD/SD.

The counseling is a good idea.  If these problems were around before your sister passed, then make sure the counselor knows this - he could have been troubled even before the accident (due to not having a father around), or it is also very possible that your sister was a little lazy with her 3rd child.  I have seen that happen before - more than once!

My DH lost his mom when he was young, and does remember carrying a lot of anger.  Is your nephew involved in sports?  DH felt that the physical activity was good for him and helped him to channel his frustration / feelings in a positive way.