Does it really get better?-long post

stella9118

So I miscarried on December 22, 2011.  It was a horrible few weeks, my mother-in-law fell in the shower and had emergency brain surgery on December 20th; she then passed away on January 3, 2012 (she never came out of the medically-induced coma).  In the middle of it all, my husband and I had to also deal with the miscarriage.  Unfortunately we both pushed the miscarriage aside and concentrated more on his mother.  I did see a OB/GYN on January 11 (earliest I could get in with after my miscarriage), and was basically told that 50% of all first pregnancies end in miscarriage and that all of the women had successful second pregnancies.  I was also told to wait at least 1 month before trying again so we have a timeline and can estimate how far along I would be.

Well we waited that 1 month and then basically had the discussion that we aren't going to try until July/August (my husband would prefer that I deliver right at the end of his last semester in school), but that if I got pregnant before that, no biggie.  I got my first period after the M/C in February.  My period in March and this month were both a week late, so stupid me, I got hopeful that maybe I did get pregnant, only to have that hope dashed by stupid Aunt Flo.  Only makes me feel worse, and anger towards myself for even getting a little hopeful.

Then this weekend happened, an old high school friend of mine just announced on facebook that she is pregnant.  This friend also informed everyone for the last 10 years, that she and her husband are not planning for kids, do not want kids, enjoy the lifestyle that they have and feel that they would not be able to do all the things that they are currently doing if kids come along.  Well at some point in the last few months, this view apparently changed and viola, she is pregnant.  Great, good for her.  I have decided to deactivate my facebook account (I have one college friend who is ready to give birth any day now, and 4 facebook friends who have all given birth in the last 3 months, plus all the friends who already have kids).  I can't handle it anymore. 

I can't handle the hating myself for even getting a glimmer of hope because I am a week late.  My husband has already pushed off starting to try (he originally said we could start in May/June and now it end of July/August), what will stop him from wanting to wait even longer, which I really can't afford to do since I am turning 32 this August. I am afraid that I won't get pregnant while he is in his last year of school and then he will want to push it back again while he gets established at his new job.  I have made it very clear to him that I do not want to be 35+ and still trying for our first one (I know I won't be able to handle emotionally and it is not something that I want).  I have also told him that I am afraid of this.  So I came up with a solution this weekend, it would stop me from being so angry every month and he wouldn't have to worry about a baby interrupting his schooling or getting established:  I would have a hysterectomy.  That way, I don't have AF showing up a week late and crushing my hopes, which then makes me angry at myself for even having that hope in the first place.  And I won't have suffer through another M/C.  I am in the mindset that I will never get pregnant again no matter what and if I do actually get pregnant, then it will be another M/C. 

I guess I thought it would start getting better since it has been four months since I M/C'ed but it only seems to be getting worse.  My husband sounded so defeated last night when I brought up getting a hysterectomy.  I feel like I have no other way to get through this.  I can't make myself stop getting that little glimmer of hope each month.  I can't seem to stop how angry I get at myself when that glimmer is crushed a week later.  I can't help but feel that I will either miscarry all pregnancies or never get pregnant.  I have wanted a baby since I was about 18-19 and now I don't think it is even in the cards for me.  Lately the support I get from my husband is "gee I see that you are still affected by the miscarriage" and he goes back to his computer.  He won't talk about it, all he says is let's wait until August to start trying again, but if it happens before then, we will deal with it. 

Sorry for the long post.  Please tell me that it gets better.

krisztina33

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.  I don't have an answer as to if it really does get better.  I'm newly struggling with a MC and am already beating myself up for still being affected.

 People do seem to brush it off as "so many first pregnancies end in MC--you will have a healthy second pregnancy".  That does nothing to diminish the grief and sadness of losing the first.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom (although I too am thinking of deactivating my FB--too many babies and baby related things on there) as to when it gets better.  Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I would think hard on the hysterectomy though.  Let time continue to heal.  That is an irreversible step and one that you may regret later.  And try and heal your relationship with DH.  I think its hard on them and they just don't know what to say or do to make it better.  Maybe focus some quality time on the two of you and strengthen your bond.  That is what I am trying to throw my energy into right now.  Still allow yourself time to grieve, feel etc, but try not to let it consume you.

<<hugs>>

Laurakat81

Yes, it really will get better. I can say that as I have been through 4 losses in just over 2 years. My first loss was by far the hardest on me. I'm not saying its all a cake walk now...I'm still sad and angry. I have good days and bad. I'm still grieving and I suspect in some ways I always will.

But I'm also truly okay. Some days I feel like I'm going to be swallowed whole by the pit but after so long I've realized that I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and I've still got some hope. It did take a really long time to get here though. Even my worst days lately are no where near the worst days early on. So yes, it does get better and you will be okay.

The chance of having one loss is about 25%. The chance of having two consecutive losses is 4%. The chance of 3 is less than 1%. I'm only telling you this because at this point you have no reason to believe that you'll have another loss! But I understand the pessimism. Its so scary going through all of this and just not knowing the outcome and not trusting your own body. And being terrified of going through another loss.

Something not many women here talk about is relationship issues after a loss. Let me tell you bluntly...99% men do not feel the same way and they don't understand why we feel the way we do. It makes no sense to them. But the chance of divorce within 3 years is increased by 25% after a miscarriage! So relationship troubles are obviously an issue for a lot of couples.

My own husband and I have been in therapy over our losses and our subsequent marital issues arising from the way we each have dealt (or not dealt in his case with our losses and infertility. My therapist says it takes 7 years to grieve a loss as profound as a miscarriage. No one ever told me that. No one ever took it seriously...including my husband who really couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling better within a week. I'm not saying my husband is a jerk...he's just got the emotions of a caveman. But the therapist is a man! I personally highly recommend finding a therapist who gets it. (We found our current one on our second try and oddly the first one we went to was a woman.)

I think you already know it but a hysterectomy is the wrong thing. When you are depressed and anxious you are not allowed to make any life changing decisions...and honestly that might mean that TTC really should be put on hold for a couple months until you feel stronger, strong enough to know you're not replacing your lost baby and strong enough to deal with a second loss if the worst should happen.

(((hugs)))

I think the reason you are feeling so much worse right now is because it has just recently hit you. You said that there was so many bad things happening around the same time as your loss. Of course, your mind can only process one thing at a time and it saved your loss until you could deal with it.

BronwynJaede

Yes, it gets better.

I would strongly recommend using birth control for several months so you are not  getting your hopes up every month when your period is late.  Give yourself time to heal.  I would also strongly recommend counseling for you and your husband.

April!

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could give you a hug.

I recommend therapy too, or at least having some people you can talk to about it. Do you have sources of support other than your husband? I told a few trusted friends and it has really helped. You might be surprised what happens when you reach out to people. Your loss is a huge burden to carry alone. Let others help you carry it.

I totally understand the age and money thing. I just turned 33, my husband is finishing school this month and doesn't have a job lined up, and my job is only for the school year. We're going to wait another couple of months and just go for it.

That said, I agree that you should probably get to a better place emotionally before trying again. Let yourself have a few months on birth control so AF isn't so traumatic. And it is traumatic! It's like going through your MC all over again, isn't it? Give yourself a few months to have it just be a period without it being so stressful.

I'm sending you love and healing. I hope you're able to feel better soon. 

stella9118

Thanks ladies.  I do have my mother and some friends to talk to about it (my mother and one friend have both experienced miscarriages).  DH and I have talked about my going on BC again, but I get migraines while on BC, so I would rather not deal with the migraines.  I have also tried charting, but my temp has literally been all over the charts (one day my temp is 96.8, the next it is 98.2, the next is 97.5, the next is 98.0, the next is 96.9, etc.).  We have now decided to use ovulating tests to help us figure out when to avoid sex.