Thinking things through (long, advice welcome)

LuluP82

I've been married for almost 2 years (this coming May) and have a 2 month old. I posted on here back when I was around 12 weeks pregnant because my husband had turned into someone I didn't recognize.  I was seriously considering leaving him then because I was tired of the arguments (which quickly deteriorated into him calling me mean names and yelling). We reconciled, and things were good/better for awhile. Three weeks ago, though, we got into another argument and he not only verbally assaulted me but also grabbed my arm and pushed me. That was obviously not okay with me. He told me to take the baby and leave the house, so I did-- I drove 1000 miles away to my parents' house, and have been here since.

Since I left, he's enrolled in therapy and anger management. He wants me to come back and work on our marriage. I'm not sure what I want-- I know I don't want to live with someone who screams and yells and constantly criticizes me. I definitely don't want my son to grow up in a family like that.

At the same time, I feel guilty that I'm depriving my son of a "family" (mommy and daddy together, etc) without giving it my all. We've never been to counseling or anything, and now that he's proposing it, I feel like I'm the bad guy if I don't try. At the same time, how can I go back to a man who has so little respect for me? It's not so much the aggression itself, it's more the fact that he clearly thought it was okay.

I'm perfectly fine on my own. I'm a professional and have a good job with good benefits. I work at home and have a wondeful boss who is perfectly fine with me working from wherever. I know I can stay with my parents for a long time and save some money and then decide where to go next (perhaps closer to my son's father to encourage a relationship, though I'm not willing to go back to where we lived). Even if I were to get no child support or anything, we'd be fine.

But I was with my husband for 6 years. I obviously married him thinking he'd be a good husband and father. I do/did love him. I never thought I'd be a single mom, and the thought of having to share my son...Ugh. Also, a lot of things came out about my husband's family during my pregnancy. I am convinced they're all crazy, and I'm concerned about having my son around them without me to protect him from the crazy. I think my husband has deep issues from the way he was raised. I thought he had come to terms with things and realized how not normal it was, but when he started acting this way towards me, it made me re-think everything.

Legally, I know the longer I stay where I am, the more likely it is that a judge here will take my case if I decide to file for divorce (he can't file in my old state for a year, so I'm not concerned he'll beat me to the courthouse). I don't want to fight this out in my old state, because I don't want to be stuck living there, where I have no family and no friends.

SemperFiPurpleHeart

At least he realizes he has a problem, but it would be a very long road if you go back and try again. My Ex was raised in a very unstable atmosphere and he to this day does not admit he is at fault for putting his hands on me ar having anger issues...its all my fault (in his mind).

In my opinion, if you want to try again, I wish you luck, maybe you should both take a break and live apart for awhile and see how it goes. In my case, I knew that since my Ex would not admit fault or try to get help, he would never change. Divorcing him was the best decision I had ever made.

GL to you and I hope things work out!

LuluP82

Thank you.

 I'm really not sure what to do. I think the easiest option honestly would be to divorce him. Most of the time I'm leaning towards that.

We've been separated and living apart for almost a month now. He wants me to come back and says we can still live apart, that he'll move out of the house if I want. But I don't want to be somewhere with no friends or family nearby, either.

I'm still so angry.

ldoo

LuluP82:

I've been married for almost 2 years (this coming May) and have a 2 month old. I posted on here back when I was around 12 weeks pregnant because my husband had turned into someone I didn't recognize.  I was seriously considering leaving him then because I was tired of the arguments (which quickly deteriorated into him calling me mean names and yelling). We reconciled, and things were good/better for awhile. Three weeks ago, though, we got into another argument and he not only verbally assaulted me but also grabbed my arm and pushed me. That was obviously not okay with me. He told me to take the baby and leave the house, so I did-- I drove 1000 miles away to my parents' house, and have been here since.

Since I left, he's enrolled in therapy and anger management. He wants me to come back and work on our marriage. I'm not sure what I want-- I know I don't want to live with someone who screams and yells and constantly criticizes me. I definitely don't want my son to grow up in a family like that.

At the same time, I feel guilty that I'm depriving my son of a "family" (mommy and daddy together, etc) without giving it my all. We've never been to counseling or anything, and now that he's proposing it, I feel like I'm the bad guy if I don't try. At the same time, how can I go back to a man who has so little respect for me? It's not so much the aggression itself, it's more the fact that he clearly thought it was okay.

I'm perfectly fine on my own. I'm a professional and have a good job with good benefits. I work at home and have a wondeful boss who is perfectly fine with me working from wherever. I know I can stay with my parents for a long time and save some money and then decide where to go next (perhaps closer to my son's father to encourage a relationship, though I'm not willing to go back to where we lived). Even if I were to get no child support or anything, we'd be fine.

But I was with my husband for 6 years. I obviously married him thinking he'd be a good husband and father. I do/did love him. I never thought I'd be a single mom, and the thought of having to share my son...Ugh. Also, a lot of things came out about my husband's family during my pregnancy. I am convinced they're all crazy, and I'm concerned about having my son around them without me to protect him from the crazy. I think my husband has deep issues from the way he was raised. I thought he had come to terms with things and realized how not normal it was, but when he started acting this way towards me, it made me re-think everything.

Legally, I know the longer I stay where I am, the more likely it is that a judge here will take my case if I decide to file for divorce (he can't file in my old state for a year, so I'm not concerned he'll beat me to the courthouse). I don't want to fight this out in my old state, because I don't want to be stuck living there, where I have no family and no friends.

I'm in a similar situation. My husband has been emotionally abusive and dismissive for our 12 years together (7 dating, 5 married). He's had a "change of heart" and really is very different now. We tried counseling, but I just couldn't do it. I mentally am done. And yes, it's a long road if I want to stay with him and try to re-kindle what very, very little magic we ever had. But I simply am not willing to wait to see if suddenly I want to be with him and if he really is changed. And if divorce is inevitable, which I've always felt it was, I'd rather do it now when my girls are really little and don't get it.

Guilt? A ton. I WISH I could try harder. I WISH I could love him. I don't want to share my babies! But, it's either a lifetime of unhappiness (underlying or overt), or I make a choice for myself, do everything possible to help us all cope, and move on with life amicably with my husband. That's where we are now.

Good luck to you. It's really hard to make any decision, cause they're such life-defining choices. But remember: You deserve to be respected and not feel like you're walking on egg shells. Your son deserves to see his father treat his mother with honor and respect.

LuluP82

Thanks Idoo.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. He seems ready to change, but I worry that it's not that easy. We've never been to counseling or anything together, so I feel like I'd be giving up if I don't give him another chance. I'm not worried that the physical attack will repeat itself or escalate, I do believe that's done (but then again, I'm sure everyone thinks that). I am worried that he'll continue the verbal/emotional stuff, though.

I know it would be easier to bounce back from a divorce while I only have the one young child and while I'm young as well. I wish I could just KNOW what the right decision is, but I don't. I'm not used to not knowing what to do, so I'm really thrown off here.