Toddler Asking about Death

chibride4

A few weeks ago, DS1's beloved fish of 2-1/2 years died. We gave him the choice of flushing him down the potty or burying him in the backyard. DS chose the latter, so that this fish wouldn't get eaten by sharks in the ocean. He didn't seem too traumitized by the experience.

Then, out of the blue last night, DS asked me if people die. I told him the truth that, yes, everything dies eventually, but people live for a very, very long time, like until they're 100. Of course, he teared up and replied that he doesn't want to die. I comforted him the best I could and, thankfully, he fell asleep before he put much more thought into it.

I know that this conversation will come up again soon. How would you handle it in a non-jarring, but honest way? 

StrawberryAlarmClock

I think you did a great job. Ironically, my grandfather and my DS were very very close and when it came to the last few weeks for my grandfather, I actually wished DS had gone through a lost goldfish. I thought it would make it easier to explain. DS was 20mo when his Pap Pap died and I told him he was sleeping forever and lives far away with G-d now. Your DS is enough older that he needs a more realistic explanation like the one you gave. 

I don't really have any experience advice for you but I can tell you I was scared of death when I was little (still am) and it was because my grandmother was obsessed with illness and death. I used to think I'd wake up to a house full of dead people. The only think that worked for me was my dad walking me through the garden and showing me how it all cycled around and how many lives - big and small- are out there. I think his point was that yes, everything does but there is SO much life buzzing around and the greatest chance really is that we will be just fine. I don't know. Worked for me. GL  

Abinormal

My daughter has been to two funerals this year. One for my grandmother and one for my grandfather. She'd only met my grandmother a couple of times and she'd only met my grandfather a couple of times and she didn't seem to curious about death at the time of the funerals. However, the other day we were in the car and she randomly said, "I want to see Great Granddaddy!" It was really kind of odd because I haven't even really spoken about him since he passed.

Anyway, I told her that she wouldn't be able to see Great Granddaddy for a long time because he was in heaven with Jesus. Now, we are not a church going family and DH and I disagree when it comes to our views on organized religion, but we definitely plan on raising DD with basic Christian values. Tegan, of course, asked if we could go to heaven and I told her that yes, we will all eventually go to heaven, when we are much older. I told her that one day she will get to see Great Granddaddy in heaven. She accepted my explanation and moved onto a new topic of conversation. I figure I'll address it again as she gets older and asks more questions.

Death is a natural part of life and should be addressed honestly and as accurately as possible. I would definitely tell Tegan that she will live a long life before she goes to Heaven, but I want her to understand that sometimes God decides to bring people to Heaven before they're old. I don't know... I guess as she gets older and asks more questions, I'll go with whatever I feel it the best response at the time.

celiabwatson

When I was a teacher one of my students' dad committed suicide. Death became a topic all over our school (down to 3 years old). We ordered this book (https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Bryan-Mellonie/dp/0553344021) for each classroom. It's a really nice book.

I would also talk about how most of the time people know before they die, they are either old or sick for a long time first. That helps take away some of the fear of dying all of a sudden, while still being honest. Then you can change the subject and talk about all the things that will probably happen before dying (college, having kids etc) which is always a funny conversation with little ones. 

BrittKav

Dh & I are kind of terrified about explaining death, especially since DD is SO senstive (she cried for days after we told her that dinosaurs weren't around anymore) but we've come up with sort of a plan. We do a lot of gardening and nature walks, so the first step (which we've been doing lately) is talking to her about plant death. She noticed a fallen tree in the woods and was really upset by it (we tend to personify plants, giving them names and things, so she gets attached to them). We told her that yes, it was sad that the tree fell, but look! Now it's a home for bugs and moss, and beavers can use it to build houses. So even though it's dead, it still lives on in a different way.

Eventually we'll move on to animals, and then people, explaining that even though it's sad when things die because the people here will miss them, they will still be alive in another way (whether you use Heaven, or just turning into dirt and becoming a part of something else) and there's nothing to be afraid of. 

dawneo

I worked at a daycare a few years ago that had a 5 year old pass away that attended the school the daycare is attached to.  The school brought in grief counsellors but only talked to the children in the afternoon.  My group (4 & 5 year olds) attended school in the am so they did not hear anything that was going on, but they were going to be with the same kids after school that heard about it so I decided to talk to the counsellors on my lunch break so I could talk to the kids myself and they would not be hearing it from other children.  I was told to explain it this way;  Everybody's life has a beginning, middle and an end.  Everybody's beginning is the same - we are all born, everybody's end is the same - we all die, but everybody's middle is different.  Most people have a long middle and some have a short one.  We talked a lot about the differences in people's 'middle' and just because this little boy died young does not mean that they have to worry about it because it does not happen to most people.

I have a three year old in my class now that lost her Grandfather a little over a year ago (she lives with mom and grandma so he is talked about a lot).    She will say that her Grandpa lives in her heart and in her head.  A few weeks ago she made me cry when another child was talking about their Grandpa and she said that her Grandpa left her.  I told her he did not want to leave her and reminded her that he was in her heart and head and that is where he wanted to be since he could not be alive with her.  She turned to me and told me that he was gone and he forgot his hat. Tears.... (mine not hers - she kept right on playing with her friends).

 

snicksnack

I think you did a great job.  When I was little I remember asking my mom about death I guess I was 4 or 5 and she bit my head off telling me not to talk about such morbid things.  I remember asking several more times in different ways only to get a negative response like the one above.  To this day I am fearful of death and think if maybe we were more open about it in my house my feelings would be different.