Not Over Miscarriage...(long, sorry)

wifeofaussie

Wow, haven't posted on here in AGES but needed a place to vent...

 I miscarried about a month ago.  2nd baby, have a healthy, 20 month old girl.  Something was just off about this pregnancy from the start...dunno how else to explain it.  Kept telling myself that every pregnancy is different, etc. but something just didn't feel right.  Then around 7 weeks the cramping and bleeding started.  Went to the midwife  and told myself it was just a SCH like with my daughter and saw my baby alive on ultrasound with a strong heartbeat but that night I lost it...

It's been nearly a month and I just can't seem to get over it.  We haven't had internet for the past 5 months but just set it up yesterday and as soon as I got on Facebook and saw newborns, just broke down and cried inconsolably all through the evening/night.  This aside, I've had trouble sleeping ever since the miscarriage.

I know the whole spiel from the midwife about how I "didn't cause this, couldn't have prevented it" and such is standard but I am having a hard time believing it.  Initially I didn't blame myself but how many mothers back in the day who were heavy smokers were probably told their babies' problems weren't their fault, couldn't have been prevented, etc?  It's driving me crazy that I may have done something to cause this.  I know it's irrational and may be unlikely but I'm really struggling.  Is this normal?  Or do I need to seek help for these kinds of thoughts?  I'm also struggling with why I flushed the toilet that evening...the doctor consulting on my case informed me after I described what I saw that it was my baby but I kind of figured anyway...won't go into graphic details but there's a difference in some of the things you pass, even that early on.  At the time I was shaking and in shock and called for DH who looked at it and told me to go lay down.  So I flushed it....I could just kill myself for that.  I should have buried what little bit there was. At least I could still go somewhere to be close to my baby.  As it stands now, all I have are 2 ultrasound pics of my little peanut and a November birthstone I bought shortly after...

 Sorry to rant so much.  Do I need help? Or are these feelings normal?  I thought I was dealing with this well because I was not overly emotional about it and actively TTC but just got my first period since and the sight of the blood is really upsetting me for some reason.   Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Auki13

First of all I am so sorry for your loss and that you are having such a difficult time with this miscarriage.  I think your feelings are normal, but it may help to see someone just to talk through some of the issues you are facing.  That being said- I'm not sure if you realize but there is a board specifically for miscarriage/pregnancy loss.  This is a newer board made for women who have had late pregnancy losses/infant losses/or young child losses.  You just may be able to relate to women on the miscarriage board more, and they may be able to tell you more than we can here. Again I'm so sorry for your miscarriage and I hope you can find more answers on the other board.