DH doesn't understand child rearing

mrs.mastro

DH fights with me so hard on our child rearing strategies.  He thinks we should treat DS like he is a reasonable adult, and doesn't understand that a 2-year-old is the exact opposite.  I SAH with DS and am very familiar with his moods, emotions, etc., so I have learned how to effectively handle him most of the time.  But when DH is home, he constantly argues with me about my parenting approach.

For example, we were all taking a walk the other night and DS asked me to carry him, but DH picked him up and put him on his shoulders.  DS started throwing a fit, and I tried to calm him saying it's okay, Mommy is walking right next to you, let's hold hands.  DS finally calmed down and was happily riding on DH.  But the DH told us to stop holding hands and said to DS: "You don't need to hold Mommy's hand.  If you want to be carried, you will allow me to carry you."  That set DS off crying again and trying to come to me.  DH really thought he needed to explain that to DS and he would understand it and never cry in that situation again.

I can show endless literature about baby/toddler development and discipline to DH, but he will not take any of it to heart.  He says he can find literature that says anything, and he doesn't agree with what I am reading.  I think regardless of the method, we need to be on the same page, and since I am home with DS most of the time, DH should follow what I do.  How can I get him to realize that he doesn't really know how to deal with a toddler, and even if he thinks he does, it's better for all of us if he uses my methods?

LoveEeyore

Sounds like DH needs to spend more 1-1 time with DS so he can develop his own relationship with him.  In the instance you provided, you were helping DS compromise and adjust.  But your DH took it as undermining.  I understand your actions and feelings but without being snarky, think that you need to let DH have a little more control.  DH should not have given you an order in front of DS, but you sent the message to DS that DH is not an authortative figure to handle and nurture in his way and that wasn't fair, either.

My DH is harsher with the kids than I am and I get really pissed at how he handles some things.  Our rules are if one parent begins to address a situation, the other steps out.  And if we dislike how something was handled, we bring it up later and never in front of the child.  Kids need to see their parents disagree and talk through things, but not parenting issues- that is way too personal.  I have read tons of books and my background is behavior management, but some guys don't see the need to read about how to manage their relationships, with their pets, their spouses and likely, children.  It would be great if they could have some alone time on the weekends and you learn to view him as a competant person, and parent.  I disagree with a lot my husband does at times, but he is the one and only person in the universe I trust implicitly with my children and I have had to learn to swallow my experience and ego (and need to control and be right) and let him parent, too.

dragon_chica

LoveEeyore:

Sounds like DH needs to spend more 1-1 time with DS so he can develop his own relationship with him.  In the instance you provided, you were helping DS compromise and adjust.  But your DH took it as undermining.  I understand your actions and feelings but without being snarky, think that you need to let DH have a little more control.  DH should not have given you an order in front of DS, but you sent the message to DS that DH is not an authortative figure to handle and nurture in his way and that wasn't fair, either.

My DH is harsher with the kids than I am and I get really pissed at how he handles some things.  Our rules are if one parent begins to address a situation, the other steps out.  And if we dislike how something was handled, we bring it up later and never in front of the child.  Kids need to see their parents disagree and talk through things, but not parenting issues- that is way too personal.  I have read tons of books and my background is behavior management, but some guys don't see the need to read about how to manage their relationships, with their pets, their spouses and likely, children.  It would be great if they could have some alone time on the weekends and you learn to view him as a competant person, and parent.  I disagree with a lot my husband does at times, but he is the one and only person in the universe I trust implicitly with my children and I have had to learn to swallow my experience and ego (and need to control and be right) and let him parent, too.

This.  You really come off as rigid and uncompromising.  I majored in child development so I get it.  But what I also get is that everyone was raised differently, think differently, and can feel differently.  By basically saying, "It's my way or the highway" you're putting yourself, DH, and your relationship in a precarious spot.  How would you feel if your DH had a degree in all of this and although he doesn't stay home with DS feels that he knows better because he's educated in it and you just read a few measly books and online articles?  You might feel offended as though he thinks you're incompetent.  I'm sure he feels that way. 

You need to find a middle ground otherwise the next thing you'll complain about is that your DH never helps you with DS.  Because I'm sure eventually he'll feel like he doesn't do anything right so why bother doing anything at all.

kcisthebombdotcom

So your child doesn't understand child rearing because he disagrees with your approach on something. That's logical.

I studied child psych at the collegiate level and have never heard that there's only one correct method of raising a child. I'd be interested in the "literature" you read that states otherwise.

He tried something. It didnt work and your child cried. Big deal! I actually think talking to your child like an adult can be very beneficial. He is correct that you can find literature that supports any kind of parenting technique and it doesn't make one way better than all the others.

You sound very controlling, overbearing and have a "my way is the only correct way to do things". I see why he argues with you. You need to seriously change your attitude. I think you both need to compromise some and come to a happy medium. Let him some freedom to figure out what works/doesn't work for his child without you jumping in. You also will not have 2 people who parent identically. Of course, there should be some agreement on the big things (like whether to spank or not) and some ground rules in the house (like no hitting) that should never be broken no matter who is in charge. Otherwise there's going to be some deviation.