People say all the wrong things...

jlgraham7

I lost a baby boy on December 31st, 2011. I was pregnant with twins and our son Graham died during child birth at 35 weeks. This is the first I have been able to really talk about it much. Why do people always say all th wrong things?

 "At least you have one baby." Like that is supposed to take the pain away. If anything it makes it worse for me. I have a carbon copy of a sweet boy I will never know.

" Every thing happens for a reason." What is the reason behind this? Please tell me! I would love to know.

"God always has a plan." I am a believer and I love god, I can not bring myself to imagine he planned this from the beginning.  

 

I know people are trying to be supportive and they just don't know what to say, but why does it always seem like they are saying the wrong things? I don't mean to be anger with them, but it makes me want to hit them sometimes.

 Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get that off my chest. I am sure some of you have had the same reactions. Thank you. 

nuttycoconut

I'm so sorry about your baby boy Graham. I agree that people say the wrong things all of the time. I was so upset when my husband got home from work yesterday because people have been so insensitive lately! So we went out to dinner and actually made a list of pretty blunt comebacks to say to people so they can stop hurting us! It was very therapeutic, we got a good laugh out of it,  and hopefully I'll remember one or two when I'm put in a situation in which people are saying all the wrong things. Whatever happened to the very appropriate "sorry for your loss"?

jlgraham7

I agree, I would even take "it sucks to be you"! I will have to try the comeback therapy. Maybe that's just what I need.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

So sorry for the loss of your Graham.  I actually had a pretty good comeback to a "friend" of mine.  Our neighbors a few doors down had their son very early and he's still in the NICU.  My Corbin was in the same NICU so lately we've been hanging out with them a lot and supporting each other.  Well our neighbor and mutual friend told my other neighbor that she feels left out and excluded so I talked to her about it.  I said "ok, so which club do you feel excluded from that you would like to be in?  The my child is in the NICU fighting for his life or the my child passed away club?"  She shut up very quickly.

I find I get very annoyed with people even more than I used to (and I used to be easily annoyed by people).  I wish people would think more before they speak but sadly they don't.  All I can do is try to think a bit more before I speak and hope others follow.

Auki13

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Graham.  Through my experiences I started off being shocked at how people really sucked at saying anything about the death of out baby girl.  I have now accepted it as people just don't know what to say.  I think part of the problem is that infant death is so taboo in this country and people honestly have no idea how to react.  It sucks and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. (hugs)

jbranden12

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Graham. I agree that people just don't know what to say, so I try not to be angry. However, it still hurts when people say something unintentionally insensitive, so I go back and forth between wanting to tell them so it doesn't happen to anyone else, and just letting it go. I don't want to make anyone feel worse, and it hurts me more when people say nothing because right now I want to talk about Patricia all the time, so I don't want to scare anyone off, if that makes sense.

blessedhope

I'm so sorry about your baby boy Graham. I lost my boy Titus during childbirth too. If you want to tell someone more about what happen feel free too. If you already did an Intro I'm sorry if i missed it because i'm not on here as often as i should. I'm so sorry for all the stupid things people say. It shocks me what comes out of people mouths. ((((Big Hugs)))

karebear57

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

So sorry for the loss of your Graham.  I actually had a pretty good comeback to a "friend" of mine.  Our neighbors a few doors down had their son very early and he's still in the NICU.  My Corbin was in the same NICU so lately we've been hanging out with them a lot and supporting each other.  Well our neighbor and mutual friend told my other neighbor that she feels left out and excluded so I talked to her about it.  I said "ok, so which club do you feel excluded from that you would like to be in?  The my child is in the NICU fighting for his life or the my child passed away club?"  She shut up very quickly.

I find I get very annoyed with people even more than I used to (and I used to be easily annoyed by people).  I wish people would think more before they speak but sadly they don't.  All I can do is try to think a bit more before I speak and hope others follow.

Good one! 

weddedwife

I've had some yucky things said as well. From a friend who emailed me immediately after he passed: "Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's better that it happened now instead of later." (!)

I agree w/ PP, it is worse though when people say nothing. I've come to the conclusion that most people are too self-absorbed to acknowledge what I am going through, or are too cowardly to go outside their comfort zone and offer their condolences on what is obviously a touchy subject. I don't buy the "I don't know what to say" excuse. It's 2012, people. There's this thingy called the internet...? It's loaded with information. Duh.

jlgraham7

That makes a lot f sense. I feel like people tip toe around me and don;t want to do anything to hurt my feelings. I also feel like people (my family) included are shocked when I do talk about Graham. I am sorry for your loss too. I know there are no words that will make the hurt go away, but know you are not alone. hugs.

tubbsy32

I was just talking to my counselor about this. It is draining just always accepting people's comments because I know they do mean well, so I don't want to make them feel bad; but it takes a lot out of me sometimes because I want to scream "JUST SHUT UP"

I love "comeback therapy" I'm going to brainstorm some comebacks on my next bad day.