2+ Moms: Which transition was harder?

C&C6202005

I was always told (by friends/family) that having a baby would be much more life changing and a bigger transition than having a 2nd (or 3rd) child.  So far that is not the case with me and I am feeling like a huge failure as a mom.

I posted last week about sending Stella (DD#1) to daycare 2-3 days a week even while I am home to keep her in her routine and to keep my sanity, but it still leaves me feeling guilty.  I didn't have any trouble adjusting to having her in our lives, but now that she is 2 and we have added a new baby to the mix I feel like some days I am just trying to survive the day.  Gracie is a super laid back baby and Stella loves to hug/kiss/hold her, but the "terrible twos" are definitely in full swing and the tantrums are about to do me in.  This post really has no point other than getting some of this off my chest.  It helped me knowing that some of you are still sending your older kiddos to daycare and as strange as it sounds, I feel more comfortable discussing this here than I do with my friends/family.  I think I am afraid of sounding weak or like I can't handle being a new mom again.  If you made it this far...thanks for reading. 

kasper923

Having this one is definitely harder for me. Hang in there, it can only get better.

leahbrazil

I have a co worker who just had baby #2. #1 is 3 and he goes to daycare a few days a week, no one judges her for that. You need a break (like staying home with a newborn is really a break), and I'm sure that being out of the house and playing with other kids is a nice break for your DD1, too.

When baby #2 comes along for me I know when I am getting overwhelmed my MIL will step in and take DD1 for a few hours as needed to give me a little relief.

jbaron

Each transition is hard in different ways.  Going from 0-1 was hard because I had no idea what to do!  Going from 1-2 is hard because I can't nap when I want and I feel even more sleep deprived, because I still have DS to care for. 

We are sending DS to pre-school/ daycare every day still.  He loves playing with his friends and it allows him to have a routine and get his energy out.  I feel guity because I feel like I am not paying enough attention to DD as I did with DS.  I think no matter what I do, I will feel guilty about something.  Welcome to mommyhood, I guess!

I just have to keep reminding myself that DD is going to have a great big brother that already cares about her and even though things are different for her as it was for him - that doesn't make one experience better than the other. (I hope that made sense.)

Please know that you are not alone.  (Also, the terrible twos are HORRIBLE.  With DS, a month before he turned 3 a switch was flipped and he was great.  Not perfect, but a TON better.  Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  For us, three is way better than two!)

JenLiggons

You are NOT a bad mother! Transitioning to two children is hands down the hardest. Especially when #1 is young. One baby is nothing. You can take them anywhere, do anything.. two is a whole nother ball game. 

My son was two when #2 was born. He tried to smother him with a pillow a few times. He hit him with things whenever he had just a split second opportunity. It was hell. And to top it off, I was in the middle of a divorce too so I had to deal with it on my own. When I remarried and SD was introduced to the mix, it wasn't so bad. The transition from 2 to 3 was nothing. I have no fears about adding this baby either, after 2 you're used to staying at home a lot and not having any free time so it's not a big deal. If you can make it past the first 6 months of 2 kids you'll be fine no matter how many babies life throws at you  

tiannalee

Hang in there momma.  We still send our son to daycare as well.  The only thing that makes me feel somewhat guilty is I worry he feels left out.  But daycare is so good for him - he learns so much and has so many friends, he loves his teachers and he comes home in a good mood.  When he is home with me all day he flexes his terrible two muscles to the MAX!  It is very difficult for me to take care of the baby and him all day.  I hope that doesn't make me a failure as a mother because I certainly don't feel like one.  I love my son with all my heart and soul but trying to care for him and an infant at the same time is brutal.  Maybe if he was older and a little more independent it would be different.

 

C&C6202005

Thanks for your support ladies! 

It does make me feel a lot better knowing that Stella absolutely LOVES her daycare teacher and asks to see her every morning.  They say she is so well behaved when she is there and naps really well.  So I know it is good for both of us and I'm just hoping that as time goes on she will settle down and we can spend some more time together this summer while I am home. 

Cheerio B

Don't feel bad. DD is still going to daycare all day every day. Recovering from a CS I just can't take care of them both. And even once I'm recovered she will probably still go at least 4 days a week. She loves her little friends and with so much changed at home (new baby, 'sick' mommy who still can't do much) she needs a constant in her daily life.

And while I know it really is best for her, I still feel guilty about it. And I'm sure there are people out here who would judge me. We're all just doing the best we can and what we think is best for our kids.

Luvmy2sons

I think having your first is hard, because you are learning. You don't know what to expect. You call the pedi over every tiny thing. You worry about every little thing, etc. 1 to 2 was hard because you can no longer "nap when the baby naps." Free time when the baby napping is either spending 1 on 1 time with your other DC, or cleaning up while they nap. So you had to learn how to survive on just a few hours of sleep. This one will be different for me because my DS's are a tad bit older (6 and 4). I really have no idea what to expect, because at the asme as my kids are older and require less direct attention than the hands-on needed for those with 1-2 year olds, they're also busier, more places to run, more things to do, homework, etc.

mommy~to~mj

Cheerio B:

Don't feel bad. DD is still going to daycare all day every day. Recovering from a CS I just can't take care of them both. And even once I'm recovered she will probably still go at least 4 days a week. She loves her little friends and with so much changed at home (new baby, 'sick' mommy who still can't do much) she needs a constant in her daily life.

And while I know it really is best for her, I still feel guilty about it. And I'm sure there are people out here who would judge me. We're all just doing the best we can and what we think is best for our kids.

I could have written your post and this one myself. DD is going until June, when she would have stopped for the summer once school was out for me anyway. I feel guilty, I feel like I could be judged, but she's better off there where she has friends, routine and "normalcy" while we all adjust to a new baby. Plus I'd rather not be laid up for even longer if something happened that I overdid it and did something to my incision.

 

WildcatPrincess

None to one was WAY harder for me, but I didn't have mom friends then at all and DD was a nightmare baby. We're lucky DS is very laid back and besides the sleep deprivation not much has changed, though DD's attitude does grate on me more now that I'm not well rested. It's different for everyone! And no judgement on using daycare, if I had the opportunity that would sound like heaven some days.

danayandcory

We still send DD to daycare every day. We are trying to make an effort to do more "fun" things in the evening like taking her to the park and such. However we felt like keeping her routine as normal as possible was best for her. Plus it lets me feel like I am getting some quality bonding time with DD2, like I did with DD1. 

My MIL gives me a ton of grief about it, but I just keep reminding myself that 1. DD loves going to daycare 2. The socialization at daycare is better for her than sitting atone alone with me while I spend half the day nursing DD2. 3. I need time to recover and relax a little bit too. Even though in all reality I actually spend the time cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking. It allows me to be a better quality mother when DD is around which is important.  

wils0482

I haven't even had this baby yet, and I'll tell you going from 1 to 2 will be harder.  I took lots of naps with DS, and I can't really see that happening with 2U2.  

DevonPow

Thus far 0-1 was waaaaaaay harder than 1-2. Mostly because having our first completely turned our lives upside down. It was a total life transition, and at the time I had no "mom friends" (plus we have no family in state), so we were utterly lacking a support network. DS1 was also a very high needs baby and had PPD.

This time is definitely hard, but I am also used to being a mom and not having my life to myself DS1 is almost 5 and can self entertain, plus is in preK 5 mornings a week(which is a huge help -this week is his spring break and is much harder!). Plus I have a great support system of mom friends, we have babysitters we know and trust, etc etc.

FusionLMT

So far 0-1 was a lot harder, but I am still getting a lot of help so I can't really evaluate for another 2 weeks. DS was a very high needs baby and was miserable until he was 4 months old, and DD has bee a dream baby, while DS is now a super sweet and easygoing toddler, so I know that makes all the difference for us. No judgement here though, you need to do what you feel is right for *your* family. I am mainly a SAHM so there is no daycare option for me, but I could definitely see wanting to keep your older child in. I know this is going to be a looong summer for me trying to keep my toddler occupied with the Texas heat keeping us mainly indoors, and also catering to the needs of the baby.

kkfeb04

WildcatPrincess:

None to one was WAY harder for me, but I didn't have mom friends then at all and DD was a nightmare baby. We're lucky DS is very laid back and besides the sleep deprivation not much has changed, though DD's attitude does grate on me more now that I'm not well rested. It's different for everyone! And no judgement on using daycare, if I had the opportunity that would sound like heaven some days.

I find this too.  We didn't realize what a high-needs baby DS was.  He was such a cryer and there was no putting him down what so ever.  DD is much more laidback and if DS throws a tantrum, I can put her down and go to him.  We hit the terrible two tantrums 2 weeks before DD was born, these tantrums are much worse than his other tantrums. 

DS is in daycare 3 days a week, that is his normal schedule.  I don't feel guilty (okay a little guilty during the day when she's sleeping) sending him because he loves it there.  He needs his routine otherwise tantrums ensue.  He loves his teachers and friends and all of the toys there.  It's time for him to get away from his sister too.  I'm home with both of them all weekend long by myself and it really isn't too bad.  DH is gone for 12 hours five days a week.  I can actually get dinner on the table some nights when he gets home around 8, which he's shocked as I never had dinner on the table with just DS. 

MalDR0418

0-1 was hard in it's own ways - I felt more of the sleep deprivation, I had baby blues for a couple weeks, and just adjusting to caring for someone other than myself was tough. But I still think 1-2 has been much harder. DD is going through some major terrible two emotional, clingy, crabbiness right now. And DS, although an easier baby than DD, still doesn't enjoy being set down for a period longer than 5-10 minutes when he's awake and will wake up if I put him down unless he's out cold. 

I think the hardest thing is just trying to attend to a toddler's needs, get breakfast, lunch, dinner made, get her to the potty multiple times per day, change, clothe, bathe, and spend time with her while also nursing 10 times per day and changing diapers, rocking, shushing, and getting all the general newborn baby needs met as well.  

It was fairly easy to just attend to one child's needs, but two kids that need entirely different things at different times is a whole new ball game. Don't feel bad at all, I feel your pain!! 

shouldbworkin

Going from 1-2 was hardest on me.  0-1 wasn't too bad, it was easy enough to leave the #1 with DH and get some me time.  1-2 was hard b/c they were so young and there was much less me time for both of us. I was also completely sleep deprived with little hope of catching up. I did send DS1 to daycare PT and it was the best thing, IMO.  I did errands, caught up on sleep and cleaned when he was there and when he was home with me we did fun things.  I used a sling a lot to carry DD around and that helped DS1 feel like I was focusing on him b/c he couldn't see DD and didn't feel like I was always taking care of her.  She was happy as a clam in the sling and so I felt like I was doing a good job taking care of both of them at once. 

2-3 has been a breeze for me so far.  I think it helps that DS1 and DD are older and they are SO into having a baby brother in the house.  No one had any emotional reaction to having a baby either, which was a pleasant surprise.

Musiclover2012

Ditto to all above, DS is still going to daycare his normal 4 days a week. He loves it there and truthfully is better off there right now with his friends and structured day than at home with me while I handle his baby brother all day. I don't have much guilt because his school is awesome and he is learning so much and having so much fun!!