Parenting after 35

caring for parents while caring for babies ( long)

Hello ~ Please forgive me for rounding up; I am 33; DH is 36, and we are both later in life children who now have a 3yo and #2 on the way.  I am hopeful more of you will have parents in our age range and thus may have faced a similar challenge that you've overcome.

My MIL was widowed almost two years ago, is in poor health; and I believe severely depressed (naturally as she lost her husband). 

The reality she is no longer in a position to live alone without dedicated care; she's not an invalid, she just isn't up to the daily grind of cooking and cleaning, and she's had some "oopsies" with her medications. Her health is such that an oppsie could kill her.

Thus far thanks to DH's extended family, she has had 80% coverage on her general needs, but the reality is that we need to make a change, her medical and emotional needs just are not being met.

We aren't in a position to live with her or have her move in with us. In addition to space and the stress she would have of a small child and a new baby,in her environment we both work full time, with two kids we'd have even less time to care for her or look after her needs than what she has now.

DH is completely opposed to an assisted living facility He won't look at them or broach the subject with her. We live in  the city in Chicago, and alot of these facilities are really nice, they aren't old folks homes, but individual apartments with nurses on duty with meals and 'field trips' provided. ( I've worked with a few of them as a community mgr) You come and go as you please .

They aren't cheap, but I believe is something that we could afford. I just can't seem to come up with any other option and don't know how to get my husband to look into it without feeling like the evil wife trying to put his mama in a home.

How have you handled this?

TIA

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Re: caring for parents while caring for babies ( long)

  • PeskyPesky member

    My parents actually live in a continuing care facility now.  Perhaps look into those and broach it as a case of independent living if she can manage with the convenience of a dining facility and lots of great activities, plus a chance to perhaps meet other friends her age that might help build a more active social life and assist with depression.  Then there is a safety net of assisted living and nursing care if and when required.

    Otherwise, I would honestly ask him what his viable alternatives are that wouldn't be unrealistic or unfeasible financially and also wouldn't socially isolate her.  You both recognize the problem so ask him to come up with another solution if that is his issue.  I think you can eventually "lead" him to the conclusion to at least visit a few.  GL!


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  • Rather than having the conversation about "what to do with Mother," have you actually sat down with her to talk about it?   Granted, it's going to be a heart wrenching conversation.  But she may already realize that things can't go on like this any more.

    Perhaps take her to visit a independent living place so she can see what they're like.  My grandfather was in one (attached to the nursing home where my grandmother was) and it was really just a little apartment with all his own stuff, etc.  They shared meals and he really enjoyed not having to deal with a lot of day to day stuff anymore.

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  • There are many different kinds of care facilities depending on the person's needs.  My grandparents lived in a place that was for the elderly...an apartment like you are describing...but it didn't provide meals.  I believe there was a doctor on the premesis.  They loved it!   If your MIL is in need of more full-time care with meal plans, it sounds like assisted living would be just the thing for her. 

    I would tell your DH that you are concerned about his mom's safety and well-being.  She would have planned activities, meet friends, have meals provided (and people to enjoy them with), and have nurses onboard to monitor her medications.  She'd have someone always looking out for her.  And it's not jail...you can certainly take her out with you, too.  I think facilities have come a long way in meeting the varied needs of the elderly.  It's not like he's tossing her into a home, never to be seen again.  Even if you were able to accommodate her in your home, she wouldn't have the social outlet that a facility can offer.

     
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  • Have you looked into having someone go into her home rather than having her move?  My DH's grandmother is in her 90's and refuses to move even though it is really unsafe for her to be home alone at this time.  The other option his family has dicussed is hiring someone (a nurse or just a care taker) to move in and take care of her.
    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
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