Introduction

astraight15

This is the last place that I ever imagined posting but I am hoping that talking about things with those who have been through this will help.  My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 long years.  There were a lot of ups and downs during that time and we were overjoyed when we finally conceived last August.  I was as careful as could be and did everything right.  The entire pregnancy was perfect and we were expecting our little Addison any day.  I went to my doctor at 37 weeks and everything was going well.  She told me that she would see me in a week if I hadn't gone into labor by then.  On Friday, I started having contractions but they were not painful and they were not consistent.  I figured that I was going to have her any day now.  The contractions continued through the weekend and we figured that this was just how things would go.  We were told to wait until they were 5 minutes apart so we figured everything was ok.  On Sunday, I did not feel Addison moving as much and figured that she was just getting ready for labor and exhausted from all of the contractions.  Monday afternoon was my scheduled apt so I figured we could talk with my doctor then.  We went to my apt figuring that they would tell us I was dilated and ready to go.  The doctor came in and wanted to do some fetal monitoring to make sure everything was ok.  My heart sank as I saw my doctor's face.  My husband immediately began crying as we saw no heartbeat.  The doctor said that I had no fluid left and that she was sorry.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  This couldn't be true...  We were not able to go directly to the hospital from there as they did not have a bed ready for me.  We went home and cried until it was time to go to the hospital at midnight.  Everything was a blur and I just kept thinking that she was somehow going to come out alive.  15 hours later, on April 10th, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl.  I kept wanting her to wake up and cry.  It was so hard hearing all of the women around me giving birth and then hearing the screams of their babies.  

 The hardest part for me is the fact that we have no answers.  Where did all my fluid go?  My doctor was just as baffled as we were and she does not know herself.  It will take a few weeks before we get all of our test results.  I cry everyday and if it weren't for my amazing husband I do not think that I would be able to get through my day.  It is difficult to do anything and I have not been able to eat or sleep much.  Does this ever get any easier??  My husband and I plan to try to conceive as soon as my doctor gives me the ok...I just can't imagine my life without a child.   

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hate having to welcome anyone to this group but know we are here for you and the women here are amazing.  Feel free to post or lurk as much as you need to.  It's nice to have a place where you feel somewhat "normal" and no one judges.  Not having answers and having things be unexpected is so difficult.  My situation is different from yours but I know how hard it is to wait for answers that may or may not come.  As for the getting easier part - it will to a point.  You'll start to learn and settle into your "new normal."  You're very fresh in your loss so just know that the next few weeks will probably be difficult for you and your DH.  Keep in mind that everyone grieves differently, even you and your DH.  Please be gentle on yourself and each other.  As time goes on, you'll have more "good" days and bad.  You'll learn one day that it's ok to be happy or laugh or smile even if you don't think you have the right.  Our angels wants us to be happy even though they miss us too.  Please know that your daughter is not alone.  All of our angels are with her and they're playing and having a wonderful time together (my son recently told me that they eat chocolate cake everyday!).  In time you will learn how to handle all the situations life has to offer you.  I'm 4 months out and still have days (like today) where I'm very sad, down and cry.  Your daughter loves you and she knows that you and your DH love her and miss her very much.  Did you name her?  We love to get to know our angels' names.  Wishing you nothing but the best as you and your DH begin this new and difficult journey.  All of us are here for you.  {{HUGS}}

Auki13

First of all- I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet Addison.  Your story is heartbreaking and unfortunately we know how you feel.  To answer your question- yes it will get easier, but it takes time, and you need to be gentle with yourself.  Let yourself go through the grieving process because that is the only way to heal, and I hope you are able to find some comfort here on this board with us.  Please feel free to vent, ask questions, or say anything you need.  We are here for you.  As for having another baby, I felt the exact same way as you (and I know many of the other mommas on this board did as well), but talk to your doctor about when it would be a good time to try to conceive again and give yourself a little time to heal both physically and mentally.  Once I got past the stage of having to have my baby I found that it was best for us to wait several months before trying and I just now became pregnant again.  Some women have tried sooner, which is wonderful but the process of being pregnant after a loss is a difficult one in itself and you need to be ready for it.  (((HUGE HUGS)))

magdalina.h

I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet Addison. I hope you find comfort from the ladies here.

I won't say that it gets easier and honestly the first 3 months are extremely hard. Around 3 months is when the fog starts to lift and you are a little more able to manage the pain.  Eventually your life surrounds the loss. You will never forget, you will never have a day that goes by where Addison pops into your head, but at some point you will be able to think about to your 37w with her in your belly with a smile. 

Mandiemn

We all hate welcoming people here, but we do with open arms and love. I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Addison. I lost my Buffy almost 2 months ago and I'm just starting to have "normal" days again. They are not what I used to think normal was, they are my new normal. A day will not go by that you will not think of your baby girl but the days do come where you can be happy about the time that you had her in your belly, felt her kicks, talked to her. These will be the most precious sweet memories and your heart will smile one day when you remember them.

We all grieve so differently, so don't feel like anything you or your DH does is wrong. I was numb, then angry, then cried and stayed in bed for weeks...whereas my DH went back to work pretty quickly and tried so hard to be strong for me, but would have days where he would call me crying and nights where we held each other in silence because we were just out of tears.

Know that the women here are incredibly amazing. I have no idea where I would be without them here to vent to or get hugs from. I sought out counseling and it is helping me to get through. I'm also reading a book called "Empty Cradle, Broken Hearts" and I really love it.

Big hugs to you honey. Feel free to come here to talk about anything. 

 

I sent you a private message too.

Heatherhah

I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Addison. We all know exactly how you are feeling and I wish I could give you a huge hug. It has been 6 months since we lost our baby girl Sydney, it does get a little easier but it is something you just learn to deal with. I am so sorry you have to join us. Hugs to you!!

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Addison. It is terrible that we all find ourselves on a board like this, but I have found the women to be wonderfully supportive. We lost our daughter just over 2 weeks ago and every morning I wake up and re-live the nightmare when the doctor showed me there was no heartbeat. The doctors have not found any cause, and it is very difficult.

My only advice is to try and take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself. We are here for you. Some days I need more support, some days I can give more. Post as often or as little as you like. ((big hugs))

agrobins1

Hi, I am so sorry that you are joining this board.  Your story sounds almost identicle to ours other than we were 40weeks 1day on November 21st.  Our autopsy gave no indications as to what happened either, she was absolutely normal and perfect.  They kept asking me if I ever felt my water break, my answer was no, she just didn't have any fluid left.  It just doesn't make sense.

I am so sorry for your loss of little Addison. I pray that you are able to find peace with time. I literally cry almost daily and Saturday will be five months.  Our hearts are forever broken, we'll have this scar tissue forever and we'll never forget our loved ones.

eroplane

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter Addison. I hope you will find some comfort on this board. Hugs to you and your husband. 

BronwynJaede

I am so very sorry for the loss of beautiful Addison.  I am very new to this journey so I don't have any words of wisdom other than to say that I have already found the women here to be a wonderful source of comfort and support.  Love and peace to you.

Chels1222

I am sorry for the lost of Addison.  I hate that you have to join us but these ladies are really supportive here.  I am a month out and it has gotten easier in the sense that I am not crying as much and can function some.  On the other hand I still think about my Taylor every day and I still have bad moments.  I hope that you find some answers and comfort soon. *hugs*

barrona

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Addison. As many of the other woman have said, be gentle with yourself and grieve in whatever way is needed for you and your DH. Come here to vent and talk about your baby girl anytime you want. We are so sorry you have to join us here, but we welcome you and I am sending thoughts and prayers your way.

SJHodgson

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are able to get answers for losing Addison.

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl!  It's a terrible thing to have to go through and I wish the pain that we know on no one.  I hope that this board will help you to begin the healing process.  It takes a long time and there are many ups and downs.  I will tell you that while I am far from being "ok", four months out I feel more like myself (really, like a better version of myself) than I have since our loss.  We will never forget the love we have for our babies or the pain that losing them caused, but it will get easier to do the things that we need to do.  Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Please know that we are here for support and advice as you need it!  Sending much love and peace!

doodlescaboodles

I am so sorry for your loss. It DOES get easier. I lost my twin girls almost a month ago. Yesterday and today I had 2 truly wonderful days...I just felt my girls were with me allowing me to strong and confident again. But on my "bad" days...I let myself cry and get it all out. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anyone to vent too, just ask.

pb&fluff

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's heartbreaking.  My story is much different, but my daughter's name is also Addison and my breath caught in my throat as I read your daughter's name and thought of my own baby girl.

mdluv21

I am so very sorry for your loss.  I am sure everyone is different but month one I was in a sort of shock, I knew the babies had passed away but wasn't really ready to grieve.  I would say months two and three were the hardest.  I really struggled.  Slowly after that it got a little easier.  I am over a year out now and some days are still pretty bad but the good days def. out weigh the bad ones.

((hugs))

dandywarhol

I am so sorry for the loss of your little Addison. Grief is like a roller coaster - filled with highs, lows, and plateaus.  Please know that everyone grieves differently and what ever you are feeling is normal and ok. 

PrettyAccountant

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet angel Addison. You will never forget your baby but in time it does get easier and you will smile when thinking of her. She is and will always be the love of your life. I hope you find answers and it gives you some peace. I too spent a long time trying to get pregnant and went through cycles of IVF and lost my triplets - they will always be a special part of me and always be a part of my heart.

Take care of your self and be kind to you and your DH. I pray G-d takes care of you.

Hugs - Rachel 

weddedwife

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Addison. This is a long, hard road to walk- I won't lie. I doubt my life will ever be the same. I'm 5&1/2 months out from my loss now, and I'm "functioning" and probably appear normal to most people- but the hurt is still there. I don't think it ever goes away, it just gets more manageable. I have more good days than bad now; there is still joy in my life.

I hope you get some answers. There are so many women here (myself included) who never got any reason why this happened. In my case, I just went into labor way too early, it happened too fast for them to stop it and he was too little to survive. He was alive up until seconds before he was born; I could feel him moving. It is crappy, and awful, and unfair.

This board has been a source of sanity for me in these crazy last few months. I don't know what I would've done without it. I feel "normal" here; I don't feel like a freak like I do IRL. We all understand your pain. I hope you are able to find comfort here too.

samakasrc

I'm so sorry for your loss. How traumatic that must have been for you...  My experience was different. We carried our son to full term despite a fatal diagnosis. He was born December 8th 2011 and  He lived for 35 minutes.   I've been incredibly grateful for the women here. Everyone is so supportive and caring.  I would say it gets easier, but it never goes away... Its a roller coaster ride filled with ups and downs. Its been 4 1/2 months, most days I'm doing ok. Other days I'm a mess. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.

tubbsy32

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. This board has been very helpful for me because I know the other ladies can relate to how I am feeling. I wish none of us had to be here, but at the same time I am glad that we are here for eachother. I am so sorry and hope that you are able to get some rest tonight. ((hugs))

littlepenguin2012

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious Addison.  Please know you can be yourself on this board- the ladies here are very supportive and wonderful.  I am so sorry to welcome you here, but I hope this board will be a source of comfort for you.

((hugs)) 

SweetBaby2004

I am so sorry for the loss of your little Addison.  This board is a great place for support.

Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to.  There will be good days and tough days.  You will cry, sometimes at the drop of a hat, but don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or that you should be "over it by now."  You lost a child, and with her, goes every hope and dream you had for her.

My heart breaks for you and your DH.  Giant hugs...

 

blessedhope

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. I wish I had some comforting words for you but all I know to say is I am so sorry and I wish all this pain did not exsist. I know you have been through so much and are probably in so much shock still. Give yourself time to grieve and don't let anyone tell you that you are not grieving the "right" way.  I hope you can get some answers soon. (((hugs)))

barbie92

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet little Addison. I hate that I have to welcome you to this group, but know that this is an amazing group of supportive women. ((hugs))

Carolee

I'm so sad to say this, but welcome.  I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.