- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Single Parents
how will you explain to your LO
So I am mostly a lurker on this board, but tonight I' ve just had a lot on my mind.
my 12 year relationship officially ended recently ( after a break up, get back together and counseling last year) I got back with my ex last year bc i wanted this family to work so bad. I wanted to know I did everything I could to make it work. we did counseling for months. we did really well for a while but now its over. A cheater is always a cheater apparently. anyway, I am in the process of moving out of our home, we are selling it, and on my own I can only afford a one bedroom apartment. She will have the bedroom with her crib and I will sleep on the couch.
My real question is : I feel so guilty. i feel like I failed her. All i ever wanted was for her to have a good childhood and a happy family life like I didn't. now she is going to be stuck in a tiny apartment with only me. I don't know how i will explain it when shes a bit older... why her dad and I are apart, why it didn't work, why things are the way they are. its like all the plans, and things I did for her as an infant ( her baby book, the pictures, her nursery, ect. ) I feel like they are somehow diminished or more sad to have bc they focus on me, her and her dad as a family. Whenever I see them I cry.
Im lucky bc he is a good dad( just a shi**y person) and is very involved with her, I guess I just hope thats enough. I hope she s young enough that she isn't too negatively affected by having a split up family.
i'm not sure if there is a point here, I just have had all these thoughts in my head for weeks and I worry constantly about eing good enough for her. I just want her to be happy. thanks.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: how will you explain to your LO
Hang in there sweetie, it gets easier I promise. It just takes time.
I know you mentioned that a one bedroom apartment is all you can afford, and for now that is just fine. Try getting onto a housing program because a lot of those offer 2 and even 3 bedroom homes for maybe even less rent than you are paying now. Also, get some child support set up if you plan on being the parent that your little one is with most of the time (I'm assuming you are) I know it sounds blunt, but getting a lawyer just to make it easier is probably a wise idea. Things like this tend to bring out the bad in people. You can look into legal assistance as well. Many lawyers offer their services for around $300 or less.
As for the questions your daughter will have one day, you have time so I wouldn't stress over that now. I know its hard but you need to do the work first and the thinking later. A policy I've given myself is, never say anything out of anger around your daughter about her father. As hard as that may be, its just the right thing to do. My DS isn't even born yet and I've decided that how I need to be. I figure his mother probably did that around my STBXH when he was younger and acted pretty sh!tty towards his father and now I'm dealing with the consequences of it.
You didn't let her down, the fact that this concerns you shows that your a good mom. It shows that your concerned with not only right now but her future as well. Sometimes people are better parents apart than they together. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it I promise you.
I have discussed this with my counselor actually. She told me what a friend of hers did.
When the son got older, he asked his mom why her and his dad got divorced. She told him "When there are 3 people in a marriage, it doesn't work." The son eventually figured out what she meant and then began to wonder if the woman his dad was with was her (it was). I may use something along these lines.
My ex and I get along great. It took a long time to get there, but we're really good at coparenting. Sure, we have little tiffs here and there, but for the most part, we're pretty close friends. Now...dating? No way. DD would be an orphan. It'd be like the story of the calico cat and the gingham dog. She'd come home from school one day and find a scrap of calico (me) and gingham (him) material and nothing else. We were a horrible couple that did ONE thing right...create this awesome child.
As far as apts. DD and I shared a room for YEARS. Mainly because when I lived with my parents, we shared a room. Even when I had a 2 bedroom, she was in my bed every night. There's nothing wrong with sharing a room and/or a bed with a small child. It might even be comforting to your LO to be close to you during this time.
Above all else, remember kids are resilient. Get them out of a bad situation, and they'll bounce back. A child will know if mom and dad aren't happy. Take it from someone who watched their parents stay together "for the kids", it jacks with them. I felt like it was my fault my parents were miserable. Sometimes being a good parent means ending a relationship.
Really? That seems odd to let a child know personal details like that. Maybe once they're a teen or adult, sure.
My girls are 3.5 and have not once questioned why mom & dad live apart. Then again, they see their father very rarely, and have a hands on step dad at home.
I know depending on how old DS is when he asks will dictate how much information he gets.
This is pretty much my situation. We have a ton of problems, but in the end, it's me leaving because I simply don't love him and can't forgive all the things he did to me in the past.
And what everyone tells me is: Your kids will be fine if you are fine; they have consistency; they have structure; and they have constant access to both parents. Kids adjust better than we think. So I'm hoping that's true.