How would you handle this?

CFjo2010

BM signed K up for Hip Hop classes, and didn't consult with my husband first.  The classes are on BM's time, so the classes/practices themselves aren't the issue.  However, we just got notice from BM that K has a dress rehearsal the day before Father's Day (during my husband's custodial time) and her performance is on Father's Day (also my husband's custodial time). 

The issue is we already booked (and paid for) a beach house for the weekend as a mini-trip for our family before my kiddos fly to their father's.  We just found out that I'm pregnant (yay!!!) and we figured that weekend would be the perfect time to tell the kids.  So now we have a dilemna: cancel our trip and eat 50% of what we paid for the beach house, or tell BM that since it wasn't a previously agreed upon activity, K isn't going? 

wwnbw

Congrats on the baby news!! So exciting! I would tell BM that K won't make the rehearsal or performance.

SueBear

In most dance schools around me, when there is a recital, the parents know at the beginning of the year.  The dance schools have to book well in advance to be assured they will get the space.  It's on BM that she knew but didn't tell you.

I would not "eat" the money of a planned vacation because BM has poor communication skills.  And even if you weren't going away - it's Father's Day weekend!  I would tell her "unfortunately, we planned a vacation for that weekend, and K will not be available for the recital."

I would skip a recital of DD's for a vacation if that is what worked for us.

juliettodd

Is it about the activity not being agreed upon or is it just about there being a schedule conflict?  I think it is reasonable to tell BM K won't be going because you have already made other arrangements to spend time at the beach and can't reschedule/get the deposit back.  I would put it to her in a way that was more:

"I'm so sorry we won't be able to make it!  We are disspointed we will have to miss it this time.  Looking forward to seeing her perform at the next one...etc."

vs.

"K won't be going to her performance because you did not ask and DH did not agree to the activity".

FriskyPanda

I'd do everything I could reschedule the beach house, even if it means going later in the year.  K has worked really hard and is probably really looking forward to the recital.  I'd just hate for her to miss it because her mom sucks with scheduling.  I think it'd break her heart.

FriskyPanda

Also, how much would you be losing n the beach house if you couldn't reschedule or get your deposit back?

 

J&A2008

Since it's something for SD, I would tell BM your position and let BM choose.  She can either refund you what you'll lose on the rental and then you'll cancel it and go a different time, or SD can miss the recital.  I wouldn't cancel on her promise to pay it, and I would provide her with the info so it's all in the open.

Tell her you're sorry, but that you need to know big things in advance.

karleegirl

I agree with j&a. And big congrats to you!!

CFjo2010

We be losing quite a bit, more than BM would be able to afford. Considering we're still waiting on her share of medical bills for the last 2 years, I doubt she'll go for reimbursing us. 

We booked the beach house back in February and were on a wait list. My husband is pretty peeved because the email BM forwarded him this weekend is originally dated for back in January when BM apparently signed up K. She's known for a few months about this performance, and its interference with my husband's custodial time, and didn't bring it up. The extra frustrating thing is that weekend is our last weekend together before my kiddos leave for their father's. My husband and I always plan a mini-vacay for all of us the weekend we have K before the kiddos leave. The kids all know the vacation plan and are excited for the beach house. It seems unfair to the kids to scrap the plan now.  

J&A2008

jobalchak:

We be losing quite a bit, more than BM would be able to afford. Considering we're still waiting on her share of medical bills for the last 2 years, I doubt she'll go for reimbursing us.  

Well, then it's on her, and at least with letting BM make the decision, she can't complain to you guys, and she can explain to SD why she'll miss the recital.

CFjo2010

juliettodd:

Is it about the activity not being agreed upon or is it just about there being a schedule conflict?  I think it is reasonable to tell BM K won't be going because you have already made other arrangements to spend time at the beach and can't reschedule/get the deposit back.  I would put it to her in a way that was more:

"I'm so sorry we won't be able to make it!  We are disspointed we will have to miss it this time.  Looking forward to seeing her perform at the next one...etc."

vs.

"K won't be going to her performance because you did not ask and DH did not agree to the activity".

If we decide to go ahead with our vacation, my husband will definitely make sure he phrases the email in a "neutral" way. He only resorts to citing the CO when BM becomes argumentative and claims he "doesn't care" about K.

 

Nineoceans

There will be lots of recitals, games and plays. This is an important family vacation which I would not sacrifice

offbeatmama

I'd do the same thing if I were in your shoes. The beach house was expensive and sounds like a really lovely trip. It sucks that she doesn't get to go to her performance but such is life. Maybe this will help BM consider your schedule. If not, oh well. Just focus on having a good family trip and telling the kids your wonderful news.

Holly_1007

I would do the family trip.  no questions asked

make sure you sit K down and explain to her that you already had the trip booked, you know she is sad about missing her recital but your really excited and looking forward to spending some family time.

the others have given you some great advice on how to deal with BM.  don't "accuse" her of anything, but I think telling her she should pay for your lost deposit ought to shut her up.

CFjo2010

Thanks everyone for your input. My husband and I have been trying to sort this out the last couple days. 

He decided to tell BM that K will be missing the rehearsal and performance. He's going to give her a copy of our reservations showing the date we booked the beach house so she'll see that we had long standing plans. He doesn't want to disclose to her what we paid because we've had issues in the past with her about things she hasn't paid her 1/2 of.  My husband thinks she'll whine about how we have "so much money and should be helping more". 

emikat

wwnbw:

Congrats on the baby news!! So exciting! I would tell BM that K won't make the rehearsal or performance.

This.  BM tried doing that with us for things and even bought tickets for SS to go to an event on DH's day without asking first.  We said no, he's not going.  

riabiron

Personally, we wouldn't made sd miss a recital. you could suggest trading mother's day for father's day and go on the trip without her.

but $10 she comes back and says sd can miss the recital so she doesn't lose mother's day.

CFjo2010

riabiron:

Personally, we wouldn't made sd miss a recital. you could suggest trading mother's day for father's day and go on the trip without her.

The backlash we would receive for going on a family trip without K would be far worse than the grief we're going to get for making her miss the recital.

J&A2008

jobalchak:

riabiron:

Personally, we wouldn't made sd miss a recital. you could suggest trading mother's day for father's day and go on the trip without her.

The backlash we would receive for going on a family trip without K would be far worse than the grief we're going to get for making her miss the recital.

I agree recitals are important, but I think a family vacation outweighs it.  If SD stays in dance, there will be more recitals.

BagelGirl

How old is your SD?  I'm thinking that little kid recitals are a way different story than high school or something.  I took YEARS of ballet and it would have been a HUGE deal to miss a recital in high school.  It's also best to let her know ASAP if you're going to be gone, so that the dance studio knows to not give her a huge part or something.  That way she can rehearse with the knowledge that she won't be able to perform but everyone will know well in advance that she's just practicing. 

Does SD know she's double booked yet?  And/Or is she old enough to make her own decision?  If you're afraid of her wrath for missing the trip and she's old enough to decide - let her make the call.

Over all though I feel that if BM signed the girl up for something without your permission, she can't quite expect that you'll drop your plans to accomodate that.  If you've got nothing else to do and it doesn't put you out, then take her, but if it's a stress or you have existing plans, don't sweat it.  I wouldn't waste a lot of time trying to prove to the child (again - somewhat dependent on her age) that you had your trip booked before BM signed her up.  Just be honest with her and let her know you're having trouble deciding what to do.  There's nothing wrong with that.

CFjo2010

K is only 6, and I completely agree and understand if she were in High School that it would be a different issue. 

We informed BM that K wouldn't be at the recital, and my husband contacted the dance school directly to explain the situation. K is excited about the beach house, the dance school completely understood our dilemma and BM was well, BM. Hopefully this will have a lasting impact on BM to discuss these types of things with my husband in the future.