Letter to my family- (long)

meganfauer

Hello Ladies,

I have been struggling with my family with this infertility stuff, so I decided to write them a letter as a shot to see if they might get it. I thought I would share with you since you are the only people besides DH that truly understand all of this. I do hope that this letter helps, I am not the best writer but tried to get my feelings out to them. Hope I did an ok job? and thanks for letting me share. 

"Dear Family,

As you know Kevin and I are going through the hardest thing we may ever face in our life. I know that you might be thinking, "Well Megan, no one is dying here" but you see death is part of "the circle of life" and everyone no matter how old or young will face death one day. But you see the other part of "the circle of life" is LIFE and now for us there seems to be like there may not be a complete circle. I understand that you cannot "make my decisions for me" and "you cannot completely understand what we are going through" what I do ask of you, as a family member, is to educate yourself as much as you can and try and understand the best you can what we are up against. Just like if anyone in our family were diagnosed with a disease we would research high and low to know exactly what they were facing and try and understand what they were going through. 
I hope that in years to come I can look back and have all this behind me but for now this is what I am facing.  I want you to know how much this is all hurting me and has taken a part of me. I am sorry if I seem to not be my "old self" but as I said this has taken more than you know from me and from Kevin.
I am reading a great book called "Every Drunken Cheerleader, Why Not me?" and Chapter 5 is titled "My Dear Friends, You need Help" It is a wonderful chapter directed towards your friends as help for people who are trying to understand what their "infertile" friends are going through. It is spot on. Some of the "general rules" that she addresses in bold are "How to Talk to me", "Don't tell us to give it time", "Instead of comparing, try just caring", "we are trying our hardest to be normal" and on and on. I thought it was a chapter that could help family members as well to feel more comfortable with this situation. 
I know that Kevin and I are a family now and we are in this together, but as our family too I would hope that you would want to understand the best that you can as well and that we are not in this alone? I know if tables were turned I would want to. I have researched so much online and found great "support groups" to help me with what I am up against.  The internet has so much information about the dreaded I word, "infertility" (almost too much), that have helped me to understand the drugs I take, the side effects, the statistics, different procedures, diagnosis, other couples personal experiences and more. There are also sites online and books for family and friends to help them as well, if they want to try and understand what people like us are facing, b/c I know that it can be uncomfortable. But ignoring it and not talking about it will not ever make it go away. It is something Kevin and I deal with everyday, it is not going away and will always be a part of us. Even if we somehow get a child one day, these struggles and challenges will always be a part of us. Even though this is Kevin and I's battle, we are ALL a family and it affects all of us in one way or another. 
This Easter Sunday was very hard for me: Going to church and seeing all the beautiful families in their Easter outfits, sitting at my Aunt and Uncle's house watching my cousins with their beautiful families, watching the kids opening their little easter baskets, and seeing all the generations in one room. That is what I have wanted since I was a little girl playing mommy with my dolls, and it may not be a reality for us, and to top it off my husband (my teammate) was not there to stand by my side, since he is the only one that completely knows how I feel. I do not begrudge anyone for what they have or how easy it came for them and I do not wish this upon my WORST ENEMY but as we are 1 year into being diagnosed with "infertility" it has changed me.
I hope that this letter will make you want to begin or continue to educate yourself in what we have been dealt and help to make sure there are no elephants in the room when trying to talk to us. What we need is support and knowing no matter what we are all in this together and behind each other. Life is not all fairytales and butterflies, it's real and intense, and certain events or situations, like this one, can change people forever. I hope that when Kevin and I get to the "next stage" whatever it may be, we are able to look back and see what we have overcome, but as I said before this will always be a part of us.  
Love always,

Megan" 

meganfauer

bellalou32:

Well said and I'm sure u feel like a huge weight has been lifted by getting this off your chest. Good for u for standing up for yourself by standing up to your family. I wish u the best of luck that they can empathize and be there for u in your future endeavors with infertility. There is no greater feeling than having the love and support of loved ones.

you said it perfectly, it does feel goody to have it off my chest, almost like therapy! Thank you for your kind words as well.

 

NMscubagirl

It's a great letter. The only thing I would suggest is that if there is anything that your family members are doing to be supportive, call that out as well and thank them for what they have been doing so far. It helps to accept and listen to the negative with some of the positive thrown in. GL!

meganfauer

NMscubagirl:

It's a great letter. The only thing I would suggest is that if there is anything that your family members are doing to be supportive, call that out as well and thank them for what they have been doing so far. It helps to accept and listen to the negative with some of the positive thrown in. GL!

That is great advice, you are so right. Thank you.

Megan

 

Mrs.McIrish

I am in a particularly grumpy mood so take this with a grain of salt. I feel like no matter what you say, people will never "get it" if they haven't lived this. Despite everything I share with a BFF, she will never understand. She told me tonight about how a friend of a friend KU'd his GF of a few months. Why does she need to tell me this? It will just ruin my night... It just does not occur to her ever because she got ku'd taking her pill pack backwards. Twice.

AmCheri

Mrs.McIrish:

I am in a particularly grumpy mood so take this with a grain of salt. I feel like no matter what you say, people will never "get it" if they haven't lived this.

I agree completely. If you feel compelled to tell them all of this or if just the act of saying it will be cathartic, then by all means, do it. I think the key will be managing your own expectations about how people will respond. Just don't let your letter set yourself up for disappointment if people don't react the way you had hoped.  Having the understanding and support of family/friends would be ideal, but all you really need is to be at peace yourself. Good luck sweets. 

meganfauer

AmCheri:

Mrs.McIrish:

I am in a particularly grumpy mood so take this with a grain of salt. I feel like no matter what you say, people will never "get it" if they haven't lived this.

I agree completely. If you feel compelled to tell them all of this or if just the act of saying it will be cathartic, then by all means, do it. I think the key will be managing your own expectations about how people will respond. Just don't let your letter set yourself up for disappointment if people don't react the way you had hoped.  Having the understanding and support of family/friends would be ideal, but all you really need is to be at peace yourself. Good luck sweets. 

I agree with you completely and have to always remember that. I think it was just good therapy to write it down too but you are right. You can't expect too much!

 

illinigal

I think your letter is beautiful.  I would love to do a letter like that, but Dh doesn't want the entire family to know.  Our parents and siblings know, and some other relaitves, but not everyone.  I would much rather have it all out there.  I hope your family recieves the letter well.  Please let us know how it goes.

reb259

I almost read it as a letter to yourself...if that makes sense. Whether you send it or not i get the feeling it helped you to feel better and that is all that matters.  I think it is a good letter and a great way to share your feelings with your family!

meganfauer

Thanks again ladies! I agree with all that you say and love having y'all as go to people. 

Mitzi Bishi

Wonderful! 

The only thing I also would perhaps suggest is telling people to think about what's most important to them, because most will answer family.

While you and Kevin are your own family it's important that they grasp all of those great moments as parents that everyone cherishes and talks about as defining most important things in life are the same things you want for yourself. 

You could mention witnessing those relationships and yearning to have them as well, so they may be able to better understand the void that not being able to have children leaves.

I truly hope you get a warm reception and that people do educate themselves so you don't feel so isolated.  

Rachael07.07.07

(((hugs))) I hope that the recipients are open, receptive and supportive after reading your letter. There will always be those members that still simply don't get it or don't try to. I just learned to distance myself and limit my sharing of information. If nothing else, I hope that it was cathartic (sp?) to write.