If your up for it...I need some marital advice

stonecold09

So DH and I have been in a little bit of a rift lately. I complain that he doesn't help enough and he's been really harsh on our tot.

Anyway... he's been apologizing the past few days for blowing up on me one night and leaving but he's done this many of times before so I just kind of let it in one ear and out the other. I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciate him apologizing for it, but how can I trust him again when he told me he doesn't even trust himself to not do it again. So the point is, we've been somewhat distant than usual.

Tonight he blew up on me again and called me some names and then later apologized for them and seemed genuine. While he was on the computer he was telling me that I was beautiful and that he didn't mean those hurtful things he said earlier and then the phone rang. While he was on the phone, I took the computer and saw a FB message he sent to some girl he went to HS with.

He said, "I just saw your name pop up on my info, and clicked on your profile. i know, i know, i'm definitely married to a beautiful girl, and saying this makes me a terrible person, but i just wanted to say i think you're gorgeous! again, i'm sorry for being and idiot and saying that, but damn. yeah. bout that. gorgeous. that is all"

As soon as he got off the phone, I confronted him and he got so angry at himself. He was breathing really hard and said he didn't deserve me and then he left.

I have no clue what to think. Am I being played? Should I be mad or is this not that bad?

 Help please

.

KateLouise

Yes you should be mad. Yes this is that bad.

This type of behaviour is abuse, and it's the classic cycle of abusive followed by an apology. I'm not saying your DH hits you, nor am I saying he ever would, but he is undermining your confidence and self-esteem everytime he is hurtful.

You're saying you don't even really hear the apology but I'm going to guess you hear the hurtful comments and a lot of that hurt stays with you.

his message to the girl sounds like he's fishing. Even if he's just fishing for a bit of flirtation, it's not the kind of conversation that a married man initiates with a woman.

As to what to do, I think you guys need counselling as individuals and as a couple. Why is it ok for your husband to speak to you like he does? Why don't you feel you deserve better?

Assuming you want to improve/save your marriage then you/he need to work on your communication. What kinds of things trigger his outbursts? Is it over something seemingly minor, or does he stew on things for a while and then let it all out? Why does he think you can be his punching bag for whatever anger or frustration he is feeling? 

Jillibean85

I agree with both posts above... Word for word. 

soxfan74

It is bad and I would be gone. I know it is easier said than done, but if my DH did this...done. Do what is good for you and your kid. Good luck.

kmartinez80

I was in an abusive marriage (physical and verbal) and turns out XH cheated a lot as well.  I'm so much better off now and so is DD.  Leave, you deserve better and your LO doesn't deserve to grow up thinking this is the way relationships should be.  Contact an attorney (lots of them provide free consultations) and figure out what your next steps should be and how to protect yourself and your LO.

Kpsbabyzoe

I agree with all that was said before me.

This is not ok for anyone to treat you this way.  If it were a friend, would you put up with it?  I sure as heck wouldn't.

And as for the FB thing- also totally inappropriate on his part.  He should not be "fishing" to start something when he's married.  If he saw her in person and it was a completely benign comment like "Hey! You look great!" That's a completely different story than what you described here.

Emilia0101

Nothing wrong with saying hi on Facebook to an old friend, but what he said was totally fishing and who knows what he is actually acting on. Abuse is a cycle if it wasn't millions of people wouldn't stay with abusers for years on end. You deserve better don't allow yourself to continue in a abusive relationship it isn't healthy for you or your child.

Taylor11

KateLouise:

Yes you should be mad. Yes this is that bad.

This type of behaviour is abuse, and it's the classic cycle of abusive followed by an apology. I'm not saying your DH hits you, nor am I saying he ever would, but he is undermining your confidence and self-esteem everytime he is hurtful.

You're saying you don't even really hear the apology but I'm going to guess you hear the hurtful comments and a lot of that hurt stays with you.

his message to the girl sounds like he's fishing. Even if he's just fishing for a bit of flirtation, it's not the kind of conversation that a married man initiates with a woman.

As to what to do, I think you guys need counselling as individuals and as a couple. Why is it ok for your husband to speak to you like he does? Why don't you feel you deserve better?

Assuming you want to improve/save your marriage then you/he need to work on your communication. What kinds of things trigger his outbursts? Is it over something seemingly minor, or does he stew on things for a while and then let it all out? Why does he think you can be his punching bag for whatever anger or frustration he is feeling? 

All of this.  I would also MAKE him go to individual counseling, as well as couples.  I try to think of how my DH would react if I did that.  If he saw that on my FB, he would be furious beyond belief.  My DH isn't on FB, but I would also be beyond pissed.  I totally agree he's fishing big time.  If some guy sent me that, I would be totally skeeved out.

I agree the 'leaving' is very childish, and screams of some internal stress or anger that is unresolved.  I would address it now, not later, and give yourself a time line for how long you are willing to deal with all this until you decide if this is who you want to be with (unless he makes changes)...  I am really sorry.  What a crappy situation

octwed07

Ditto all the pp advice -- hang in there and please get counseling.  There's some deeper issue going on and you want to try to get help before it gets worse.