A month until the big visit

nikkilyn35

Well, next month I'll be seeing BD for the first time in almost 3 years.  Last time I saw him was when I got pregnant.  When I gave him the news a couple of months later, he split.  He moved 1,500 miles west to get away from my nagging, but it only took me about 4 months to track him down.

 I'm not looking forward to this visit.  my pregnancy was rough, emotionally.  He wanted me to abort, I wouldn't do it.  then he made up lies about his financial status to make me think pursuing him for CS would be futile.  When I finally talked myself into thinking adoption was the best route, he wouldn't even meet with the family or the attorney to terminate his rights, so they backed out. 

we did start communicating last year, and I thought I had moved past all that stuff, simply because he was showing interest in being a father and I didn't want to be the reason my child didn't have a father/son relationship. 

but the closer we get to this big visit, the more all that old hurt comes back.  Top that off with the fact that he's only here for his OTHER son's graduation, and out of 5 days, he's only making time ONE day for my son.  His family all lives here, only an hour away, and they've never shown any interest in getting to know their grandson.  Yet now, I'm supposed to drop everything and take my child to see them at their house, because that makes it convenient for their "tight schedule".  So I'm STILL doing all the work. 

I realize I have it better than some moms out there, I get a substantial amount of CS, and it's paid on time, twice a month no questions asked.  but I would trade the money for a little help, KWIM?  I'm still struggling financially, but I can't get a second job because I'd turn everything I made over to a babysitter.  I can't work OT at my job because DS has to be picked up ASAP after work.  I am literally with this child at all times, except when I'm working.  I get no weekend breaks.  DS and I are truly on our own.  I do have some help from family but that has limitations and I am not one to ask for help. 

 anyway, I know I'm fairly new here, but I just had to get that off my chest. 

nikkilyn35

do you ever go back and read something you wrote and realize how awful you sounded?

 I just re-read this post and I sound so selfish, I barely even mentioned my DS.  This will be his first time meeting his dad.  Though I don't have high hopes of how this relationship with him and his dad is going to develop when his dad makes such minimal effort.  I am so hurt FOR DS that he's an afterthought in this "family visit".  when he first discussed the visit he actually said "maybe I'll just stop by on my way back out since you're on my way".  that stung, and made me sad that his own father didn't think of him more than just a pit stop. 

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nikkilyn35

Last summer was worse...he had a visit planned for July, then decided he didn't have enough money to make the trip.  Yet he paid for his other son's round trip flight to visit him.  Thank God my DS is too young to understand.  Not that I'd ever tell him something like that.

I'm halfway tempted to just do a no-show.  I was very explicit from the beginning, the first meeting would be between him, DS and I only.  Now I have to force my toddler on a bunch of people who don't care now,and there's no guarantees they'll care once his dad is gone again.