When Things Don't Go Your Way...

Kristi1971

This morning I woke up to one of our girls crying.  I had to jump into the shower to go to work, so I let husband know she was crying.  He was still asleep.  I asked why he was not getting to her, and he said she will stop crying.  I showered and dressed, and when I came out husband was still in bed and baby was still crying.  I was very frustrated with this situation.  I still am.  I don't understand making a baby have to cry and wait for it's needs to be tended.  I would have done it had I not had to shower and get to work.  Husband was home and physically able to get up and do it. 

I don't want to be the controlling wench he must think I am at the moment, but I just don't get it.  Any thoughts?  Does anyone else here have issues with the other parent being less understanding/responsive?  Husband is now angry with me for even saying anything to him.   

 

Jena503

I'd be pretty livid too. But I know that my DH responds to calm discussion after the fact better than he does to my sharp words at the time. Which is why it's really important to make sure you're on the same page.

I'd send DH something on baby development. He needs to know that a 2mo simply can not self-soothe. They don't cry for no reason, they just cry for reasons which might not be immediately obvious to you. While it's reasonable to not jump at the first whimper or sound because she might settle again, once the baby is actually crying it's time to get your butt up and see what's wrong. I think a lot of people, but especially men, don't understand how much the baby is changing and what it can and can't be expected to do.

 

Izybel18

Next time, I say get the baby and bring her to your DH. It will be pretty hard for him to ignore her if she's right there with him. I've had my own moments when I was so tired that the thought of getting out of bed and tending to my LO sounded like the hardest thing in the world. Maybe he was just having one of those mornings.

Kristi1971

Thanks, Jena.  You are right.  I am sure it will be better to talk it through when I get home tonight.  Meanwhile I will look for something for him to read during my lunch break today.  Maybe that will help.

***

And yes, he probably was having one of those mornings where getting up just seemed really difficult.  Plus it is his week home (he works out of state so when he is working, he's totally away, but when he is not working, he is totally home), and it's Friday...maybe he's just tired in general.  It does not change the fact that I had to shower and get to work, but it's understandable.

Thanks, Ladies, for your thoughts/ideas.

NYGirl02

I'd be furious too, and I second bringing the baby to him if it happens again.  Hopefully you can talk to him a little later when things have calmed down and explain that's just not okay. 

Was he super, super groggy?  Sometimes my DH is and it takes A LOT to get him to do something even when he is very willing under normal circumstances.

3003girl

I think men are - and I say this as a total stereotype and know there are many exceptions - generally more OK with letting a baby cry. I think the hormones in a PP mom really make us more responsive to a crying baby. I know that for the first few months when LO would cry I would have a pretty intense physical reaction. First off - I would start to leak BM all over the place. Then I would get all hot and flustered if she was still crying, and become very anxious. I had to explain this to DH a number of times - please take care of the baby because, not only does she need some thing, it is upsetting me. (these were times were I was supposed to be "relaxing" like taking a shower or bath, or reading something as some down time. He was great at offering those times for me) So perhaps you could have a conversation about how it bothers you that the baby is crying, not only about how the baby needs someone to respond to her cries.  

Kristi1971

NYGirl, you could be very right.  He was probably really groggy, because he had been sleeping really hard - snoring loudly even.  I will consider that in the future. 

Solidio - thank you for your response.  I am so glad I am not the only one.  My SIL gave me the "it's okay to let them cry" speech like 3x one week, and finally I told her how their crying literally hurts me.  It makes my heart hurt.  it makes me anxious (like this morning) if the crying continues.  My SIL laughed a little and told me I sound Postpartum.  That ticked me off.  I am hormonal - not postpartum - a big difference.  It used to make my breasts hurt, but my supply is so low at this point, I don't even get that reaction anymore, but I do understand that feeling completely.  By hearing your feelings, it makes me realize that my hormonal feelings are normal and ok.

You girls are awesome.  Thanks again! 

 

pixieprincss

Last night DH was being weird with DS. Once DS went to bed I asked DH how he was feeling (turns out not well, which explain things) and then I told him I aksed because his approach to DS was not his usual style and could we talk about it to make sure we were still in agreement about our strategies for dealing with X behavior (crying for you, temper tantrums for me).

3003girl

Kristi1971:

NYGirl, you could be very right.  He was probably really groggy, because he had been sleeping really hard - snoring loudly even.  I will consider that in the future. 

Solidio - thank you for your response.  I am so glad I am not the only one.  My SIL gave me the "it's okay to let them cry" speech like 3x one week, and finally I told her how their crying literally hurts me.  It makes my heart hurt.  it makes me anxious (like this morning) if the crying continues.  My SIL laughed a little and told me I sound Postpartum.  That ticked me off.  I am hormonal - not postpartum - a big difference.  It used to make my breasts hurt, but my supply is so low at this point, I don't even get that reaction anymore, but I do understand that feeling completely.  By hearing your feelings, it makes me realize that my hormonal feelings are normal and ok.

You girls are awesome.  Thanks again! 

 

aw - virtual hugs to you.  I'm glad I could help!

I was *very* hormonal for about 4 months. I don't think I was PPD, but I did have some anxiety, particularly about the crying. I don't think it was anything outside of the norm though. Different people are different - I got the same speech from my sister and dad. IMO, don't let them get to you. DH was very supportive of me, so that helped. This is an important time for you too - and it's *perfectly normal* to feel emotions. (I don't want to say "be emotional" because it has such a bad connotation to it.) You are her momma. And I can honestly say I am super happy that I was so responsive to her, she was super needy for the first  months, but now throws very few tantrums and understands when I say "wait" or something, in comparison to many of the other kiddos I am around who's parents were not so responsive in my observations.

That being said, sometimes LO just cried and there was nothing I could do except hold her or lay with her if she didn't want to be held. Or DH would walk around with her. I wish someone would have told me - sometimes they just cry and you can't do anything except be there with them. I remember all the checks - too hot, too cold, hungry, wet, gassy, too much noise, not enough noise... lol. Hang in there, you're doing great! 

Kristi1971

Oh my goodness, Solidio, you are so right.  One of my girls did that last Friday night.  Cried for hours and there really was nothing I could do about it.  I did all the checks and just decided it was something I could not fix.  I just held her and walked around with her.  I was exhausted, but I felt it was important to be with her.  Glad I am not the only one. 

Thanks again for all the thoughts and encouragement.  I feel much better prepared to have a conversation with husband tonight. 

TiffanyBerry

Yeah, at two months, I'd be pissed.

I'd sit down and talk to him.  Calmly.  And specifically about why you are upset.  (e.g. "I asked you to take care of X, because she was crying.  At two months old, babies don't cry for no reason, and I want her to know that we are here for her when she needs us.  You chose to leave her alone, and at this age, that means totally and completely helpless alone.  I'm upset that you could have helped her, but instead let her feel that way.")  And specficially ask him for HIS input about WHY he did this. ("Can you help me understand why you left her alone when she needed one of us?")

Honestly, in this situation, I"m going to guess it comes down to a parenting philosophy difference.  ("Oh babies cry for no reason and if I think they're just fine they they are just fine all alone." versus "Babies never cry without a very good reason and need to have the reassurance that they are taken care of at all times when they're this little." <-- sweeping generalizations to try to paint both ends of the spectrum, albeit poorly)  And probably one that you guys need to talk about NOW before it leads to more resentment.

ETA: I saw the part about him being super groggy.  I've learned (though still don't like) that regardless of how well I am able to go instantly from ASLEEP to AWAKE AND READY TO TEND, my husband may take a good amount of time.  Heck, he won't even be out of sleep land by the time I'm wide awake when DD wakes up, and she cosleeps with us.  I need to give him some time to wake up - in that case, it would indeed be taking baby next to him.  For DH, he simply cannot yet thing coherently as quickly because he doesn't snap out of sleep at the same speed. (I understand this is pretty common for moms, not just us. )