I don't know what these feelings are... (long)
cuppaco
member
I am having all sorts of emotions I am working with - I don't think it is typical PPD or baby blues, but I don't know where to go from here.
1) My daughter was born on March 28. I labored for 36 hours before my body failed me and contractions stopped. I had to have an emergency c/s - which I was okay with, but was upset about laboring to 9 cm and stalling in transition for hours.
2) When L was 1 week old, I was rushed to the emergency room with a 103 degree fever. I was sent home with antibiotics, but I was very out of it. DH had taken over most of the baby duties trying to let me sleep and rest, per the Drs orders. We had to FF, because I never got milk in, and even if I did, I could not BF on the medication I was prescribed. (Body Fail #2)
3) Two days after the ER visit, I was admitted to the hospital for infection of the c/s site (body fail #3). Oral antibiotics had not worked. I had very high fever, low blood volume, and dehydration. I was very, very sick. That was last Friday night - I am still in the hospital. (TMI) I am looking at 3 more days on IV antibiotics and 6 weeks of home health care for the wound. DH will have to learn how to assist in the wound care. I am hoping to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow or Saturday.
4) I remember being in the hospital with L when she was born. I remember the day we brought her home, and taking her to her first peds appointment. I do not remember the days after that. I don't remember much of my first days in the hospital (w/ the infection), but even when I was getting better I could not see L for 5 days. I was in isolation until they identified the infection. I could see DH for up to 30 minutes, if he wore a gown/mask/gloves. DH brought me a copy of her birth announcement - and I just stared at her in amazement, because it didn't (doesn't) seem real.
5) When I finally got to see/hold L on Tuesday, I was happy to see her, but she didn't seem like mine. She looked so different from when I remembered her (less than a week old). I don't have those happy, new mom feelings I think I should have. I held her again today, and she is super cute, but she still doesn't feel like mine. I don't feel that bond I thought I should have - and with DH doing 110% of the baby care she seems to look to him for everything. DH needs a break before he his overwhelmed and is so ready for me to come home. But I'm scared about coming home and doing things wrong.
I cry cause I miss her, and and cry more because I'm afraid of coming home and being her mom. I'm mad at my body, and I'm upset that I've utterly failed at the one basic/primal thing I should have been able to instinctively do. And I couldn't do that - so what makes me think I am able to care for her, when giving birth nearly killed me?
Re: I don't know what these feelings are... (long)
WOW...you have been through a lot. As far as you feeling like your LO is not yours, I went through nothing compared to you and I still had those feelings. Even 10 months later I still look at DS sometimes and wonder when someone is going to come and take him away because he is not mine. I think it's just a period of adjusting to having a new little person in your life that you are responsible for. I think once you get home you will find that your motherly instincts will kick in. You will learn how to care for her and she will start to bond with you.
You are very lucky that you have such a wonderful DH that has jumped in to care for both you and your DD. You have a right to be upset with everything that has happened but do not dwell on it. Focus your energy on getting better and on your new baby girl. If you continue to have these feelings or they start to get worse, please don't be afraid to talk to your doctor.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery!
GREAT choice in names
I can relate on some level, because I had a very traumatic birth with my DD. I was a hopeful VBAC which ultimately failed and because my daughter was past 41 weeks, she inhaled a ton of meconium, it was life threatening and she was in the NICU for a week. I didn't get to hold her until day 3 or feed her until day 4. I had severe PPD with my son and I was terrified that I'd get it again with my daughter and I was adamant about all the bonding I'd need to do up front... well all of that went out the window. I will say that with both my kids, it is not necessarily an initial bond. Newborns are just blobs who don't do anything other than eat, sleep and poop. They really don't come into their own until 6-8 weeks so the first couple of months are simply about survival.
That being said, if you find that your negative thoughts do not go away, or increase, or you have other warning signs of PPD, do not wait to seek help. I waited too long to get on meds, and I spiraled downwards, quickly.