Ugh!

MrsChadWard

(Where do I start?)

2 weeks ago we had our first appointment.  Found out the baby stop developing at 6 weeks (and I was closing in on being 10 weeks pregnant).  We waited with baited breath, got test results back and had a miscarriage.

I cried nonstop for a few days.  "How can this happen?  I'm doing everything right."  Was the thought that kept floating through my head.  Along with, "Why can't my baby survive, when these 16 year old crack heads produce these perfectly healthy, smiley, normal babies?"  We've waited for 2 1/5 years for this day and before I know it, it's gone right from underneath me.

I passed it naturally (which I will NEVER recommend ever to anyone!) last week.  (Some TMI for you...) I'm still bleeding from it.  I have a follow up appointment Tuesday.

I went from crying to being angry.  From angry to numb.  And numb to... limbo, ready to be me again.  I'm still kind of numb.  Still kind of angry.  And if I really think about it, I'll start to cry again.  Other than wondering when my body will heal from this, I'm wondering when I'll start to feel normal again.  I'm supposed to be pregnant right now.  I'm supposed to be 11 weeks right now.  I'm supposed to be... I'm supposed to be... I'm supposed to be...  but I'm not.

How do you move on?  How do you learn to not be angry at every pregnant woman out there?  How do you be just plain happy again?  And when am I going to be able to go to the bathroom without having a constant reminder of what I don't have anymore?

 

tessalu64

Everything you just said describes my thoughts day to day, word for word I have had the same feelings. Especially about the 16 year old crack heads. How is that possible? It is NOT fair! And I'm sick and tired of people telling me that life isn't fair. Or that I can always try again. Or that at least I know I can get pregnant. (obviously I'm in the bitter and angry phase right now.)

I would give anything to have my baby back. I feel incomplete.

I'm so so sorry you have to go through this too.

MrsChadWard

Bitter is the perfect word for it.  Incomplete is the perfect word for how I feel.  Sure I go on day to day trying to act like everything is ok, trying to participate in my life.  But it hurts.  It truely feels like a death (I guess it was). 

I feel like I don't want to be around anyone.  But when I'm alone, I can't stand it.

I HATE that people say, "life isn't fair" or "I can always try again" or "atleast I know I can get pregnant."  Why can't they simply say, "I'm sorry," and "no matter what, I will be here to listen, without saying a word, without judging you, with open arms and fresh tissues?"

MrsChadWard

I've even avoided facebook because I just don't want to deal with other peoples crap.  I feel envious of their happiness, and I feel angry at their sadness. 

JennyP0222

I sure wish I knew the answer to your questions. The experience of all of this sucks and so do the stages of grief associated with it. I truly am sorry you must endure it. I miscarried in February and experienced exactly what you have described. I began the process as an emotional wreck, crying at the drop of a hat. I felt like I could not breathe. Then it was anger and fury. Then bitterness. I have moved beyond a lot of those emotions but I still get those bitterness surges. And I still constantly think of what should been. (I should be 4.5 months pregnant right now. I should be showing right now. I should be finding out or have found out the gender by now.) Being in a workplace with 6 pregnant women does not help the bitterness. It is hard not to hold it against them and all the other pregnant women out there.

I know it's still raw for you right now. What you think and feel is normal and it WILL get better. Again, I am truly sorry you have to go through this. No one should have to.

JennyP0222

MrsChadWard:

I've even avoided facebook because I just don't want to deal with other peoples crap.  I feel envious of their happiness, and I feel angry at their sadness. 

 Aww, I cannot even tell you how many people I hid updates from on my feed. It seems like EVERYONE is pregnant and happy and posting lovely ultrasound pictures or newborn pictures these days. Avoiding all together is probably a better strategy. You take care of you, girl!

tessalu64

Exactly. I get so upset when someone posts something happy...it's so awful. But I actually think to myself "how can they post something like that, don't they know how miserable I am!"

We miscarried on Good Friday and every person that said Happy Easter! was on my sh** list. Happy? Happy Easter? Really? Yeah. Happy. Friggin. Easter.

I don't want to be this miserable forever, but right now I can't help it and I don't want to, to be honest.

I do wish people would just be there to listen without trying to cheer me up. It's too early for me, it hasn't even been a week. I don't want to be cheered up, I just want to grieve right now. Just please let me grieve and listen without trying to show me the silver lining. That is all I need.

I'm glad to find someone who knows exactly what I am feeling and talking about. I'm afraid that very soon even my closest friends will start to think I need to stop "whining" and move on. They really won't ever get it. They are already starting to talk to me less because I've been such a downer. But really...what else would you expect?

oktobersky

Your words describe EXACTLY how I'm feeling.  When I was waiting for the ultrasound there was a 15 or 16 year old girl probably 8 months pregnant, looking miserable, waiting for an ultrasound.  And it makes me so upset and angry and bitter that she gets to have a baby that she probably didn't want, whereas I don't get to have the baby that we planned and hoped for.

I've found that the people who are most comforting and helpful are the ones who have gone through a miscarriage.  Those who haven't say things like "you'll have another one" don't get that I still lost THIS baby.  I will never get to meet THIS baby.  I hope I do get pregnant again, but I still need to mourn the loss of this one.  It's so tough.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. 

MWoodside

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have (or have had) a lot of those same feelings as I've worked through the grieving process.  I still often think about how many weeks pg I'd be (23 wks tomorrow).  But I do feel like myself again.  Time does help a lot.  I also got back to doing things that make me feel like me.  Time out with DH, concerts, dinner with girlfriends, something as simple as doing my nails regularly, doing hot yoga, running.  It helps to get back to my normal routine.

Edit: I still have my moments though.  My sister just announced a surprise pg they weren't planning.  It caught me totally off guard. I worry about always thinking my baby would be 2 mo older than her baby.  I hope I get past that.  I want to be excited for her & I pretent to be, but inside I feel jealous & sad.