2nd m/c, 14 weeks - feel like i'm falling apart

McPetey80

Hi everyone,

 I thought for sure I would be staying off the bump after my recent miscarriage, but I am so torn and don't know what to do.  Here's my story:

 My husband and I had our 1st m/c back in Nov.  I believe I was 6 weeks, it was a chemical pregnancy so there was never a heartbeat.  That was very difficult, but we moved on and I got pregnant again in January.  All of my tests had come back great - the HCG levels, both early ultrasounds, my pregnancy hormones and symptoms were normal, etc.  We hadn't told ANYONE - no family, friends, coworkers just because we wanted to make sure all our tests up until the NT scan came back normal.  I had my NT scan Fri 3/30.  I was going to be 13 weeks the following day.  The radiologist got kind of quiet during the scan.  The baby looked great to my husband and I.  It was moving around and looked really cute to us!  After she was done she said she had a couple concerns, she cannot diagnose anything right then and there but wanted me to see my doctor, whom was upstairs.  We went to see her, freaking out of course.  She told us the ultrasound is showing that the baby might have encephlocele, which means that the back of the skull was not connecting.  The brain is exposed.  Also, the livers look cystic meaning there's a lot of fluid on them.  So this is Friday.  She wanted us to see a specialist first thing Monday morning.  What a horrible weekend.  We were not expecting anything like this.  Monday comes around, the specialist also sees this but he feels it's something more like Trisomy 18.  We were actually able to see the brain from the back of the skull, now that we were looking for it and aware of it.  It was very obvious.  He said things like "major, major birth defects", "severe mental retardation...if it actually makes it to full term", "won't be able to breath on its' own", "the heart doesn't look right"...just so many things wrong with this pregnacy and because it's so early, it's only the beginning.  He felt that this would almost certainly end in a miscarriage, and if the baby lasted to full term, which was HIGHLY unlikely, it would either be a stillborn or die within minutes after birth.  Other doctors that looked at the ultrasound were suprised I hadn't miscarried already, because the heart is starting to slow down to keep up with the rest of the non-functioning organs (like no lungs).  They all strongly advised to have a D&E.

On Monday I had a D&E which terminated the pregnancy.  It was awful.  I feel like I'm falling apart, I am so depressed.  I just can't believe this past week actually happened.  We were going to tell our families and friends at Easter, and now here we are telling bad news.  We only told our parents and a couple close friends, which has helped a little so that they can sympathize and know why we are acting the way we are.  I don't want to see anyone, go anywhere, or do anything, I just feel so lost and sad.  I seriously cannot believe this is happening.  My next doctor's appointment is in 2 weeks which will check me out again and also we'll have the genetic testing back to see what happened and if this should affect future pregnancies.  That is our only hope right now.  The doctor's all said it was NOTHING we did, a chromosome just didn't split properly (or something like that) and i'm as likely to get struck by lightening.  Why couldn't I have won the lottery then....why this?!?!

We were so cautious for so long.  I really didn't start to LET myself get excited until the 9/10th week or so when I saw the doctor for the 1st consultation.  I was so nervous from November's m/c. 

Anyways, this is my story.  I'm not sure where to turn so I thought I would try out this message board. 

I'm also very sorry for all of your losses, I know all too well how much this hurts.  I feel so empty inside...literally.

Laurakat81

Oh I am so so sorry. Your story is heartbreaking.

I just wish I knew what to say. (((hugs)))

BravoBravo

I am so sorry. 

PPL2011

Your story is truly heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone and these losses can make you feel like falling apart. Try to find peace and be good to yourself. The advances in medicine help us find these problems early, doesn't mean it's any easier. I just suffered my 2nd miscarriage. I keep telling myself that it's not the right time and a healthy baby is a blessing that is still to come. 

katharine25

I am so so sorry, that is a horrible ordeal to endure, and a very difficult decision to make - but the right decision given the unfortunate circumstances. Major hugs to you.

McPetey80

thank you for all the support.  i am trying to hang in there.  my boss knows what is going on, he and his wife are good friends of ours.  so he's been really supportive about letting me take time off, leave early, etc.  i'm trying to work but i tend to break down at times.

 DC2London - i think I remember you from the October board.   I hope you, and everyone else, is doing ok.  Day by day, right??  i keep hearing that...but it's not quite registering yet.

Desmond&MollyJones

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Dandelion321

I am very sorry for your loss.

dmgalley25

I am so so sorry for what you have been through, both of your losses. i wish there was something, anything we could say to take some of your pain away. We are here for you.

MWoodside

I'm so sorry for your losses.

monkandnut

I can't tell you how sorry I am. Nobody should have to endure pain like this. Sending thoughts and prayers your way. XOXO

jackiemary

I'm so sorry for you losses. My prayer go out to you and your husband. I hope you find peace and comfort. Mat. 5:4

JennOH85

I am so sorry for losses. I wish there was something to say that could make you feel even a little bit better. Life is so fragile, but you will be strong enough to make it through this, even if it doesn't seem like it now. When I had my second OB appt before my MC, I remember when the doc was looking for the baby's heartbeat and it was like an out-of-body experience. I could hear a noise on the speaker, but he said that sound was just my organs moving around, not the heartbeat of a baby. At that moment, I knew what it meant to feel like a part of myself was missing. I'd never felt so empty. The doc sent me for an u/s to make sure, but before I even saw the screen, I knew.

My T&P are with you and YH. Wishing you peace and comfort. 

LorenWeber13

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Nobody deserves this. I, too, had an early miscarriage last year, and I just miscarried at 18 weeks last week. And your Dr is absolutely right...this is not your fault!!! It sounds like you were doing everything right. I am so, so sorry, again. I'm sure you're sick of hearing that (I know I am). Prayers and best wishes to you for a healing heart and a healthy future.