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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Recent Miscarriage
I recently found out I was pregnant after years of uncertainty as to whether or not I wanted a baby. I'm 30, my husband is 36 and we have been married for 3 years. I was just never sure whether motherhood was right for me or not, and did just about everything under the sun to prevent it! But recently I've been feeling the desire more and more often, so last month, without over-thinking the decision too much (like I tend to do) we decided to go for it and just see what happened. We tried twice that month, and I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant. I can't really explain it, but I just felt differently right away. So I waited for my period, which never came and as the days went by I knew (I'm the most regular person, so when I was even just 1 day late, I knew something was up).
So about 5 days after I was supposed to get my period, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive...however, it was so faint, I didn't know if maybe I was reading it wrong. So I took about 5 more (all different brands, and kinds) and they all came out like that....positive, but so faint you could hardly read them. So that had me a little worried so I called my doctor, and they were able to fit me in the next morning. When I went in they took a urine sample, which immediately came back negative. So they took another one...same thing. I met with the doctor and they drew blood so they could test me that way. They thought maybe I was just so early (not even a week late) that my levels were too low to detect. But then my doctor called me and apparently HCG did show up in my blood, showing I was pregnant but that it was really low; too low to show up on a home pregnancy test. The fact that it did told him that it was probably higher in the beginning of the week, and that I should brace myself for a miscarriage.
So at first, I tried to hold on to the fact that maybe it really was just too early and that I was someone with slow rising levels (my mom is a fertility nurse, so she assured me that can happen). However, a few days later I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible cramps and I started bleeding...and not just a little bit. I spend the weekend curled up in pain (more severe pain than I would have thought given that I was just barely pregnant). I went back to the doctor on Monday and they confirmed that I did have a miscarriage. While he assured me this was all so normal, and it wasn't caused by anything I did, or didn't do, I still feel sad.
So now here I am - It was kind of a whirlwind...I found out I was pregnant only a day before I found out I would probably miscarry, which was a day before I actually did. Now that the physical pain is gone and I can't focus on that anymore, I find that I'm really very sad. The logical part of me tells me that I was barely pregnant, and that it's not like we tried for years; I got pregnant on my very first try. I have friends that had to do 4 cycles of IVF before they could conceive...that is sadder than this. But I just can't shake this feeling of loss. As someone who didn't even know if I wanted to be a mother, now I know for sure...of course, it's too late. We aren't able to try again until I wait out 2 cycles - I think that's making it worse. The fact that I know now that I'm ready, but I still have to wait.
Anyway, I feel badly complaining about this to anyone, because I don't even feel like I have the right to be this sad. I feel like I'm being overly dramatic since I was just barely pregnant. I just wanted to know, has anyone else experienced this? How long does it take to go away? Are these feelings normal?
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Re: Recent Miscarriage
Your feelings are extremely normal. And I'm so sorry for your loss.
It doesn't matter how long someone is pregnant, we mothers immediately bond with our babies...the minute we see that pink line. To lose a baby, no matter how soon after is heartbreaking.
I don't think it ever goes away honestly. It won't always be so sharp of course but it never goes away.
(((hugs)))
[spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow
BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010
BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)
3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!
Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500
First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat
LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!
TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015
Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015
Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270
First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.
JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.
TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]
I could have written this except I'm 28 and H is 32. We also got pregnant after trying once in Feb.
Honestly, after finding out I was pregnant, I was full of self doubt and even had ''second thoughts" because I felt like I was so "locked in" to our decision, and maybe it wasn't the right thing for us. The self doubt continued.
Friday we were diagnosed with a miscarriage. I sat there staring blankly at the doctor, numb. But by the time I stood up to leave, I broke down in tears. I sobbed all the way home and off and on for the rest of the day. At that point, I knew that I loved and wanted my baby, I was just too busy fearing the unknown.
I also feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when others have tried so hard for so long and desperately want a child. I kind of feel like I "cheated" somehow, but that doesn't change the pain.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Feel free to keep posting or send me a PM.
Thanks
I know exactly how you felt. When I saw that second pink line, even though I did it on purpose, I got that feeling. I literally was awake all that night thinking about "is this the right decision? Did I jump the gun? Will I be ready for this?" I spent my life surrounded by friends who just 'knew' from that early age they were meant to be mothers, and I never had that feeling. After seeing that positive test, when I called my best friend to ask her about it, I swear she was way more excited than I was. Some of it was me not wanting to get my hopes up because it seemed too easy, but part of it was also nerves that I wouldn't be a good mother and wasn't ready.
But then hearing that my baby didn't make it....that made me realize how much I wanted it, even as I was trying to tell myself I didn't. And I think that's making it harder too, because that guilt is mixed in with the sadness. And of course I wonder, is this karma from so many years of saying that I never wanted children? The logical part of me knows that's a silly way to think about it...but I can't help it.
Yes, I had the same experience. Our family was so excited for us, but I was pretty much terrified. I would wake up at 5am and think, "OMG, I'm pregnant!" It was incredibly stressful. Also, when our OB asked us if we were trying, even though we had, I felt like I had to justify it by saying, "We only tried once." Simply saying, "Yes, we were trying," didn't seem to fit the situation. I realize this sounds insane to most people.
And I understand what you mean about the karma situation. I have wondered if I'm being punished for not originally wanting it enough. But logically we know that there is no reason that these things happen, and we shouldn't punish ourselves for not having the perfect reaction.