"friend" ? need advice

diego299

My "best friend" of 25yrs is having her baby shower next Sat and I don't want to go. I use "" bc for about the past 6 months since she got married she has basically cut me out of her life. I threw her shpwers, helped plan her wedding, helped decorate, did her hair/make up and was her bridesmaid all when I was 7 months pregnant. I didn't see her again until her surprise bday party a month later then she came to my baby shower for literally 30min the next month. She came to see DS the day he was born and hasn't seen him since. We had dinner last week for the first time since I had LO and she never asked how he was or even asked to see a picture. Needless to say my feelings were hurt then I just got angry and decided I was done. I have sent endless voice messages and text with no response from her for months. I did tell her how all this made me feel in an email and her response was I'm sorry you feel this way I'm just really busy.It's like we are only friends when it's convient for her. My question is am I being petty? Should I just go to the shower?

Dochas

Yes, I think you should go to the shower.  See how she is after the baby is born.  If she's still never around then I'd think about ending the friendship.  She has been a newlywed and you've been a new Mom.  You've both been busy.

dundasgirl

None of my friends were pregnant or had babies when I was pregnant with Reed.  My SIL apologizes still now years later about how I was on bedrest and they were all out partying all the time.  They just didn't get it.  When she got pregnant her whole life revolved around her pregnancy and her baby...and she came around.  I would give it some more time.  It's impossible to really understand parenthood until you are there yourself.

lillinzlou

I have recently experienced the same thing with my cousin. We have always been close and she was a bridesmaid for me and I her. She hardly contacted me my whole pregnancy and didn't even meet DD until she was 3 months old. She hardly knows DD, only from family get-togethers, and wanted me at her beck and call when she became pregnant. I was on speed dial. I was a bit hurt that all of a sudden I was good enough again.

Then, I realized that we all go through stages. Every friendship/relationship does. There's always an ebb and flow. Now that her baby is born, I'm hoping that we get closer again. I was hurt for awhile, but I can't force her into something that she wasn't ready for. Good luck.

WillisReincarnated

Yes, you kind of are being petty.  I've counted 4 times you have seen her in the last 6 months.  That's pretty good considering you have a new baby and she is a newlywed.  Both are life changing events that sometimes take a lot out of you.  As for visiting your son- sometimes it's hard for others to understand what it means/what it's like before they have kids of their own.  

desabean

I was the worst friend to my friends with babies before I had one.  I had no clue how important it was to come see the baby and ask about the baby, etc.  I was pretty self absorbed I guess. So, I would cut her some slack.  Go to the shower, be the bigger person.  If things don't change at all after she becomes a mom, then I'd re-evaluate.

Radler

With my true lifelong friends, we sometimes go through phases where we are busy and don't get together or talk on the phone as much. It's always still the same when we pick up again ... It's understood that things get busy. That said, I think it's weird she didn't ask about your LO. I cannot imagine a longtime friend not being interested in that. Is there something else going on? I guess I'd just go to the shower and be the better friend if I were you. I bet things will sort themselves out. It's such a transitional time for you both.

EastCoastBride

What was your friendship like before she got married?  Was it one of convenience then too and you kind of ignored it, or is all this really "new"?  Because if it's new - I have to agree w/ the others- you are being a tad petty. 

I don't want to totally out and out discount your concerns - maybe something has changed with her.  But as someone pointed out - you have seen her 4 times in the past 6 months.  For the fact that you have a baby - that's actually pretty good!  I have a lot of good friends who I see a lot less than that! 

I think some good points were made too about how people who don't have kids don't quite realize what an impact being PG and having a child is.  I do think that's playing a role in this distance you're feeling.  But I'm going to go against the grain a little here too - I have a child, most of my friends have kids.  When we get together, there actually isn't always a whole lot of "So, how's the kid?" talk.  We might talk about our kids, we might not.  It all depends.  But there are times that we really don't mention our kids at all.  And no one walks away being really hurt that our precious little ones weren't asked/talked about. 

I dont' know what all your "endless voice mails" and texts are about, but she might feel a little overwhelmed by you, especially since she knows you're upset.  She may now feel like she has to walk on eggshells around you, so her response is to avoid you. 

diego299

Thanks for all the responses. I think I already knew I was going to go to the shower, out of being the better person, obligation or whatever I want to say I did everything I could.

Her behavior isn't really new, she's been this way in the past and I've let it go. When she gets a new boyfriend she becomes completely absorbed in him, which to a point is normal but she loses her identity. It's more hurtful now bc she doesn't seem interested in my son. I've only seen her twice in the past 6months-once the day LO was born and once for dinner a couple of weeks ago.

EastCoastBride

diego299:

Her behavior isn't really new, she's been this way in the past and I've let it go.

Well, that's the thing then- this is how she is.  You know it.  Make your decisions based on this.  If you still want her in her life, figure out how to accept that this is who she is and nothing is going to change that.  Or if you feel it's just to omuch to deal with, then back away from her and let the friendship die. 

Happycouple

diego299:

Thanks for all the responses. I think I already knew I was going to go to the shower, out of being the better person, obligation or whatever I want to say I did everything I could.

Her behavior isn't really new, she's been this way in the past and I've let it go. When she gets a new boyfriend she becomes completely absorbed in him, which to a point is normal but she loses her identity. It's more hurtful now bc she doesn't seem interested in my son. I've only seen her twice in the past 6months-once the day LO was born and once for dinner a couple of weeks ago.

Thiings like this have happened to me before with friends and I totally get why your upset. I think people can be selfish by nature and I had to learn that about some of my friends. It's strange how people really can be so absorbed in their own life that they forget about their friends. I'm just not that kind of person and I've learned that I can't expect anyone to be like me or act the way I think that they should. They are who they are and there's nothing I can do about that. I think you should go to the shower . Maybe one day in the future you can discuss things again, but she might have the same response. It's hurtful and confusing when a friend disappears. That doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong or that she's upset. I've had periods like that with friends and now we are super close again. With that said, it's up to you if you want to rekindle a strong friendship again. I think a friend that drops off the face of the planet during important times or one that stops putting in effort may not be that good of a friend anymore. There's only so much you can do. Then u have to just let it go and remember thst this is how she is...good luck! 

diego299

Thank you guys. I really need some perspective and unbiased advice on this.