Performance Anxiety...

ElleBeeKay

This is more of just a vent than anything else, but I need to get it out somewhere.....for the third month in a row, my H has not been able to "perform" on THE most important day of my cycle.

He's 28, healthy, and fine all throughout the month until he knows I'm about to ovulate. I know some people say to not let their H know when they're ovulating to avoid this problem, but we're too far in at this point. He knows as much about the process as I do and then lets it get to his mind to the point where he psychs himself out.

The worst part is, for the first time ever, I had two large eggs (one on each side) and we were actually able to trigger on Monday afternoon in the office after my u/s. The RE told us to have sex on Monday night and Tuesday night. Monday night was fine, but when last night rolled around, he couldn't do it.

Once again I'm feeling O pains and am sitting here so defeated because of this issue. I'm beyond frustrated and just feel like I could scream. I'm putting all of these hormones into my body and then when everything is set up perfectly and we've come to the day, we can't get it done. The worst part is, he feels absolutely awful and I know that's just making everything worse.

Any advice would be so appreciated. I'm really at a loss with this one. How I miss the days of a normal, unscientific sex life...

katib77

If you triggered Monday afternoon then you will ovulate about 36 hours later, and the egg lives for 24 hours.  So try having sex again tonight.  Since he knows your doctor said Monday and Tuesday, maybe he'll have less pressure tonight.  

But as for moving forward, if he knows you're ovulating so you can just seduce him without him knowing the reason behind it....maybe it's time for him to talk to a therapist to find out why after so long of TTC he still has performance anxiety.  

Or maybe he feels his guys are not "good enough" because of your slight MFI.  Maybe show him some numbers of some of us dealing with MFI that make him look like a rock star to boost his confidence?  IDK.   

jenjen930

I had this same problem with my DH.  I was so frustrated.  I was like, seriously, I thought men wanted it ALL the time, so why is it that now HE can't do it?  But it really is a lot of pressure for him.  For me, Pre-Seed actually helped, because I was dried up because of Clomid (sorry for the tmi).  Try and focus on what he likes.  Is there a certain position he likes?  Maybe some new lingerie?

I know it can be frustrating, but don't give up.  Good luck.

maggie2324

The only time MH had that issue was when we tried to get a morning quickie in before he went to work. He cannot perform early in the morning and it's not like I was into it at that time either.

If he is having trouble (not related to hormonal imbalances), you just have to compensate. Add some hand action on his boys, moan like a porn star, or just keep saying how amazing and great it is feeling. Keep trying things until you find out what helps him along. Turn on some porn if you have to ;-)

JenniatONU

This is my husband. It is one reason why we went straight to IUI and not TI.

Ever since we first started to talk about/starting to be proactive about the infertility, my DH has not been able to perform. Even now that we're doing IUI's and the pressure is off of him, he still can't do it. He loses it in middle of the act. It's extremely frustrating, and I know it's killing him. But he can't seem to shake this feeling of not being good enough. I hope that with our break and with our minds completely off of treatments, he will be able to realize that he doesn't need to put this pressure on himself.

LyssRob

Is IUI an option for you?  Seems like it could help this situation...

ksfrye

Your not alone....MH has the same problem.  It doesn't matter what I wore to bed and how hard I tried to get him in the mood...he just couldn't finish.  We've had so many months of this and that's why I pushed to move forward with IUI.  We later found out there were other issues with me and IUI or IVF are pretty much our only options of conceiving, but it took ALL the pressure out of it.  I would highly suggest IUI!

Sarahlou614

So sorry you now have this stress to worry about.  GL w/ everything!

ElleBeeKay

Thanks for all of your replies! It's good to know we're not alone in dealing with this, even though I'm sorry that some of you are going through it, too.

Katib, that's a good point about trying again tonight when some of the pressure is off. I've always just heard that the sperm should be waiting for the egg, but I suppose it could work the other way around, too. I'll definitely give it a shot. There's really nothing to lose.

IUI is an option for us, but we'd need to save more since we're 100% oop. Also, after finding issue with my curved/small cervix last week during my failed HSG, my RE said if we ever got to the point of IUIs, it would be more difficult for him to get the sperm where they need to be.

lynsien

Gosh I was just thinking about writing about this too. Everything you said is exactly how I'm feeling with my DH. I feel bad getting upset with him when he doesn't finish because he gets so upset. But it's just crucial timing. I made the mistake last month of saying "why should we even go on any fertility drugs if you won't beable to get it done anyways". I felt like the worst wife afterwards but in the heat of the moment it's soo frusterating.  I know he wants this really bad too and that's why he thinks about it too much. But it's like you said... you prep yourself and have all these hormones in you and then ... what's the point.

I don't really have any advice for you. This month DH has been a little better but I haven't got a + opk yet so... who knows. Last month we had a long talk about it. I told him to try and look at it like we're just having sex a lot, nothing else. If it happens we get pregnant then bonus. He did say he wants to get more riled up before so he can hopefully not be thinking about anything else besides us having fun.

Hope tonight goes well for you!

ElleBeeKay

lynsien:

Gosh I was just thinking about writing about this too. Everything you said is exactly how I'm feeling with my DH. I feel bad getting upset with him when he doesn't finish because he gets so upset. But it's just crucial timing. I made the mistake last month of saying "why should we even go on any fertility drugs if you won't beable to get it done anyways". I felt like the worst wife afterwards but in the heat of the moment it's soo frusterating.  I know he wants this really bad too and that's why he thinks about it too much. But it's like you said... you prep yourself and have all these hormones in you and then ... what's the point.

I don't really have any advice for you. This month DH has been a little better but I haven't got a + opk yet so... who knows. Last month we had a long talk about it. I told him to try and look at it like we're just having sex a lot, nothing else. If it happens we get pregnant then bonus. He did say he wants to get more riled up before so he can hopefully not be thinking about anything else besides us having fun.

Hope tonight goes well for you!

Thanks for writing. I feel so bad that I said something similar to that last night, too, in the frustration of the moment. I instantly regretted it.

I also said the same thing about just thinking of it as more sex and nothing else, but that didn't seem to help either. Anyway, it sounds like we're in a pretty similar situation. I hope things continue to be better for you this cycle!

lynsien

ElleBeeKay:

lynsien:

Gosh I was just thinking about writing about this too. Everything you said is exactly how I'm feeling with my DH. I feel bad getting upset with him when he doesn't finish because he gets so upset. But it's just crucial timing. I made the mistake last month of saying "why should we even go on any fertility drugs if you won't beable to get it done anyways". I felt like the worst wife afterwards but in the heat of the moment it's soo frusterating.  I know he wants this really bad too and that's why he thinks about it too much. But it's like you said... you prep yourself and have all these hormones in you and then ... what's the point.

I don't really have any advice for you. This month DH has been a little better but I haven't got a + opk yet so... who knows. Last month we had a long talk about it. I told him to try and look at it like we're just having sex a lot, nothing else. If it happens we get pregnant then bonus. He did say he wants to get more riled up before so he can hopefully not be thinking about anything else besides us having fun.

Hope tonight goes well for you!

Thanks for writing. I feel so bad that I said something similar to that last night, too, in the frustration of the moment. I instantly regretted it.

I also said the same thing about just thinking of it as more sex and nothing else, but that didn't seem to help either. Anyway, it sounds like we're in a pretty similar situation. I hope things continue to be better for you this cycle!

Yes it does sound like we're in a similar situation. After I said that, I now have changed how I react when it happens. Usually now I'll just say "it's not a big deal, we'll just try again tomorrow ... that means more sex for us" Even though inside I'm like @#^&#@^@ ... again?!?!!? (that was supposed to be me swearing...haha). I think it helps him a little, just cause he hates feeling like he's letting me down. So I just pretend like its not a big deal...but of course we all know how big of a deal it is.

Thanks I hope things are better this cycle too... for you as well!!! Now you have to go and plan some sexy things for your DH tonight.

tmsetzer83

We have the same problem occasionally. I know it's really frustrating. I've found that if I let him take matters into his own hands for awhile, it helps. Sorry if that's tmi!  I originally said I wasn't too enthused with this (wasn't the way I wanted to make a baby) but he reminded me that the alternative is nothing or a procedure. Duh, silly me. We do whatever works!

schnena77

I have the same issue with DH.  The worst part is getting so frustrated and mad at the situation - wondering why in our case drugs do not work when they are suppose to (he has ED).  Sometimes they work sometimes they don't - frustrating as heck.  Then trying to make DH feel okay about it - because there is nothing he can do.  It is really hard to treat ED if it is due to a mental reason such as stress/performance anxiety (in our case we have other factors - but I know mental is one of them sometimes when it comes around ovaluation time).