Possibility — The Bump
Adoption

Possibility

I got an e-mail from our adoption specialist today asking us if they could show our profile to an EM. Mom has hep c and is on daily methadone (120mg).  I was excited, but there is no budging on the match money which is $40,000.  We have already paid $10,000 for the activation fee, home study ($2,000) and $1,600 for our profile and video.  Our max limit to spend on the match is $35,000 and as much as I would love to say yes, we put a limit and told each other we would stick with it.  Just got excited for a moment, but I have to be realistic and stick to our plan.   I just hope we are not missing out on a potential match.  I wasn't able to discuss it with hubby since he left on a short military exercise for the next 3 weeks and is out to sea.  The agency needs a response by tomorrow. I just needed to share with someone. Thanks.  

Re: Possibility

  • That's a tough decision. I don't envy you. Our agency charges $21K flat, so there is no variable "match money," per se.  

    If $35K is what you agreed on, there had to be a reason, and it's probably a good one.  But I won't even try to lie, I'd probably weigh the financial burden of an extra $5K against having to wait an undefined amount of time, and jump on it.  Is there any way you can talk to your hubby via email or anything?  

    I'll be thinking of you! 

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  • Believe me I am very tempted.  In the end our expenses with our set aside match money will add up to $48,600 with our agency, not including travel (hotel, flight). We budgeted for $50,000 total.  I know the extra $5,000 doesn't seem like a lot, but I wish I could talk to hubby today.  He just left yesterday and it takes a few days to set up email since he is part of a Marine unit on the ship and they are not permanent staff.  By that time it will be too late since they need a response by tomorrow.  This is a special situation with our agency and that's why they are needing such a quick response (match money is due at time of match).  Maybe this is not meant to be and I just pray that our EM will find us soon.  Thanks.
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  • I know I'm late with this response, but I just want you to have confidence in knowing that if something is out of the parameters you so thoughtfully agreed upon, and you both aaren't struck with an overwhelming knowledge that this prticular child was meant for you,  then you aren't accedentally missing your match.  i promise.  there were several times i felt like you do now, wondering if we were just being too rigid, but we held to our agreed upon boundries...until M came along, and we were both just 100 percent sure that we weere meant to parent him.  then, we blew open our agreement and expectations, and ran with open arms and no regrets to our son.  my advice is to always stick with your guidelines, and only expand them if you both feel called and completely enrapture with a particular child.

  • Also, I don't have any personal experience with domestic adoption, so take this with a grain of salt, but I find something very unsettling about varrying match fees by situation and the concept that they can be negotiated in some cases but not others.  The hard line on the set fee in this case would stike me as a red flag, but I'm not personally familiar with domestic adoptions and maybe that's common.  Can someone tell me if I'm off-base?

  • CaptainSerious: thank you for your input. This is a special situation with our agency (we are very happy with them) that is through a law firm (they get special situations from networking from time to time in which they are having a hard time finding perspective AP's), not their usual.  This is why it is outside our agreement. Through our agency we have set a match budget and they respect it, but they just wanted to check and see if we were interested in this one. I responded back to my AS and told her that unfortunately we would pass.  You are right though, I was excited b/c it was a potential match (we have only been waiting 3 months), but I didn't feel comfortable increasing our match budget w/o consulting with my husband.  This case is also out of our Adoptive Parent Questionnaire (APQ) b/c we aren't too comfortable with drug use.  I just don't want to act on impulse.  I am confident that our baby is out there and we will find each other soon.  
  • imageCaptainSerious:
    Also, I don't have any personal experience with domestic adoption, so take this with a grain of salt, but I find something very unsettling about varrying match fees by situation and the concept that they can be negotiated in some cases but not others.  The hard line on the set fee in this case would stike me as a red flag, but I'm not personally familiar with domestic adoptions and maybe that's common.  Can someone tell me if I'm off-base?

    We moved away from agencies/situations that presented this kind of possibility because we were also unsettled by it.  I'm not certain how it works, but was glad to find domestic options that had flat (or fairly flat) fees associated with them.   

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  • Thank you all for your responses.  It's so nice to be able to have a place to relate and ask for input from others who are or have experienced this journey. I ended turning this potential match down.  It didn't feel 100% right.  I didn't want to act on impulse.  

     I'm happy to have found this place of great support.   

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