Overdue intro story - sry long :(

eroplane

I have been posting here on/off for a few months but have never written out my whole story. I have been avoiding it, but I need to get it out and off my chest. Sorry that it is so long, I just needed to vent. 

This past few weeks have been hard - last Friday was 37 weeks for me and I should have been c-sectioned. My OB said that she wouldn't let me go past 37 weeks. This past Wednesday and Sunday was also exactly 3 months to when we lost our son and daughter. 

After trying to conceive on our own for several years, my husband and I were told that we had no option but to use IVF if we wanted children. We were lucky and got pregnant on the first cycle and soon found out that we were expecting twins. I spent the first few months super uncomfortable from moderate-severe OHSS and constant worrying about one of the twins "vanishing". At 18 weeks I began having contractions but my OB and the MFM doc both told us that it was just because I was small and carrying two babies. I took time off from work to stay off my feet, drank tons of water and started taking Procardia when the ctx wouldn't stop. I went in to the hospital for monitoring mid December because the ctx wouldn't stop and I was having more than 6 per hour. They gave me terbutiline, nubain and increased my Procardia dose. I was seeing a doctor every week to monitor cervical length and ctx. My cervix shortened from 4.3 to 2.5 in a week, then down to 1.3 after several days. Again I was told this was a normal cervical length for twins.

New Years Eve I went into the hospital again because I woke up to a wet pillow between my legs. At the hospital they confirmed that it wasn't amniotic fluid but decided to keep me because I was still having frequent ctx. A fetal fibronectin swab done 2 weeks earlier was negative. I was placed on a mag gtt and IV fluids. The MFM doc thought I was just having an irritable uterus and that I would be up and on my feet in no time. He wanted me to finish the mag  - prescribed for the babies neuro benefit and not ctx - and then see how things were. I also received two steroid shots during this time. I began to have more uncomfortable ctx but nobody was worried. I received nubain and phenergan to "quiet my uterus". On the morning of the 2nd I had 4 intense ctx, back to back, in a span of 10-20 minutes. On the 4th ctx, my son's water broke and his hand was sticking out. He delivered a minute later followed by his sister 2 minutes later. He was head first, she was breech. The only doctor present was the NICU doctor who arrived as my daughter delivered. My son cried, my daughter didn't. Both were intubated, resuscitated and taken to NICU. 23 weeks and 3 days gestation. The hospital viability cutoff was 24 weeks. We took my son off life support 2 days later and my daughter 6 days later. 

I miss my babies everyday. It makes me sick that I didn't speak up more when I was worried about what was going on. I am disgusted that my body "couldn't handle a twin pregnancy". Nothing conclusive has come back on the pathology reports. We opted not to do an autopsy - both babies were healthy inside - it was my body that messed up. I wonder what different outcomes we would have had if I had gotten a c-section as planned. Maybe I would have my miracle micro preemies fighting in NICU right now.

Friends have distanced themselves, everyone around me is pregnant and my own family seems to have forgotten what happened. I can't stand to see a tiny baby or hear one cry - I just burst into tears. Now I'm stuck paying bills out the wazoo for babies I don't even get to hold. I have a baby belly but no babies to show for it. Life is cruel. 

Heatherhah

I am so so sorry. Huge hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your story.

Auki13

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  Please try not to blame yourself.  You did all you could as a mommy, and you followed all the directions you were given.  Your babies know you did all you could and that you love them with all your heart.  (((HUGE HUGS))).  Please be gentle with yourself as you continue in the grieving process, it is not an easy one.

blessedhope

Dear Eroplane,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy and girl. I'm sending you a (((((((giant hug))))))) through the computer. Would you like to share what you named your babies?

I am sorry about your friends distancing themselves. I think to a degree it has happened to everyone who has lost a child. People don't know how to act or what to say so they begin to avoid us not knowing how much more painful it is to have our friends leave us.

I know probably every babylost mama blames herself but I wish I could make you see this is no fault of your own. You did everything right and took care of your babies with all your love for them. Your babies know how much you love them and they know you did everything for them.

I am sorry too about all the bills. Don't you wish there was a rule that parents who have suffered a loss do not pay a bill? I am about 10 months out from my loss and DH and I are still paying bills.

I too have a baby belly and deep stretch marks. I try to remind myself that my body was my son's loving home but it is still hard for me to look at it this way.

Thankyou for sharing your story. T&P for you.

littlepenguin2012

I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious Summer and William.  Please don't beat yourself up- you did the absolute best you could and your babies know how much you love them.  I completely understand what it is like to have your body fail, but you know you would have done anything to bring those babies home with you.  

 You are in my T&Ps.  ((hugs)) 

blessedhope

Sry, I didn't see your siggy until after I posted, William and Summer are beautiful names

krysiahamaty

I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope that you find some comfort and support here. I know I did and I don't know how I would have gone through my loss without the ladies here. Just being able to vent or just knowing that there are women who have been through what I went through helps so much. BIG HUGS!!!

MandynStephen

Thank you for sharing.  So incredibly sorry for the loss of your twins!  ((hugs))  Hope you find comfort here.

ehlersm

I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know that our twins share a birthday and one of my boys is also named William (Robert is his brother). I also hate the thought that my body wasn't able to handle two babies - it doesn't seem fair. I hope you find some peace and comfort here as I have.

Gizu92708

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Big hugs to you.

dandywarhol

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son and daughter.  I hope you can find support and comfort from the wonderful ladies on this board.  {{hugs}}

Carolee

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your twins.  The guilt is a normal part of the grief process, but please know that nothing you did or didn't do caused this.  I hope you find comfort here with us.

eroplane

Thank you guys for your kind responses. I kept meaning to write out their story but couldn't get it done. I thought I was over the initial worst of it but these past few weeks have been a doozy. I am sad we are all here but I couldn't ask for a more supportive group of gals. Hugs all around. 

cherrycobbler

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies.  Thank you for sharing your story with us all.  I hope you are able to find some comfort here.  Big ((hugs)).

magdalina.h

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins.

The reminders are very hard and I hated my belly for awhile because MY cord failed so my body failed. It took some time before I accepted that my belly is where he lived. The hospital bills are just cruel. 

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious babies. We haven't received a bill from the hospital yet, and I know it will be a cruel blow.

Jackie2200

I'm sorry for you loss.  One of my twins' names is William too. We call im Billy.  I hate that my body wasn't able to handle twins either.  I wish we could all have our babies back. It's not fair that family and friends just don't get it.   I have lost many friends and my sister because they just don't understand the grief.  Many of those who I lost as friends were pregnant when I lost the twins.  It's just so hard....and so unfair.