Would you do anything about this or just wait and see?

jlw2505

Back story is that DH's family deals with things way different than mine.  In my family, if there is an issue we talk about it - we may fight but we resolve the issue and move on.  In DH's family, things are just not discussed and the tension just sits there.  It drives me nuts as this is just not how I was raised.  Someone DH is not like this and we have figured out a method to communicate and deal with issues.  I have an OK relationship with my ILs - far from great but not horrible (well until last night).  MIL has a trillion other issues, the hardest to deal with being her depression that she refuses to get help for and one in which my FIL totally enables her behavior regardless of what she does.  It has caused a ton of stress in the whole family.

ILs have always crossed the lines of the grandparent boundries/parent boundries when we are around (and they do so with my SIL and her twins but that is not my issue to deal with although the tension that is causes makes it hard to ignore).  Most of the time, DH and I choose to ignore things that they do and we pick our battles carefully - we will bring up things that totally go against how we are raising our kids or things that we just do not believe. An example - ILs take older DD to speech class for us and we asked from day one that food not be brought for DD in the car as she has lunch right before they pick her up at school, she gets a snack in speech class and when she gets back to school, they have a snack for her if he chooses to eat it.  MIL was bringing her a ton of junk food (candy and such) so my DH reminded her that she already gets plenty of food and to not bring her anything.  MIL then switched to fruit so we dropped it - not worth the battle at that point.

Anyway, anytime we get together, MIL in particle but FIL to some extend, parent our kids even if we are sitting right there - they tell them what to eat, how to act, etc.  Things that would be fine if we were not there.  Again, we pick our battles.

So last night, we are having dinner at their house - DH's aunt is in from out of town (we do not celebrate Easter so this was just a casual dinner, not a holiday dinner or anything).  I am at the table with my 2 girls ages 4 and almost 6 and FIL and aunt.  MIL and my DH are bringing the last things to the table.  One of my girls starts to ask about death (no clue how that one came up) and asked how you can tell when someone is dead (our dog passed last winter and we have discussed this topic off and on in the last year and DH and know how we explain this to our kids).  Without giving me a chance to answer, my FIL starts to say how death is like sleeping.  I cut him off as fast as I could as I don't want my kids hearing what he is saying and just start to explain it differently.  FIL looks at me and says "if you don't like how I answered the question, you can leave and take your conversation someplace else."

It took everything in power to not pick up my kids and leave but I didn't want to cause a scene.  Needless to say, I told DH we were leaving as soon as we were done eating.  As I am getting the girls ready to leave, I hear my DH talking to his dad in the kitchen about what happened and FIL was not happy with me.

I didn't say anything about it until the kids were in bed - DH and I talked for a long time.  He totally agrees with what I did and what I said - there is not really a nice way to handle a situation where you don't want your kids to hear something that is already sort of out there other than what I did.

I explained to DH that given all the issues in his family and how his father treated me that I wanted to limit our being around them, that he was welcome to see them with the girls for short visits but I would not join unless it was a holiday or something like that.  I asked that the girls not be with his parents alone for the time being (other than the speech stuff since I have no other options or I would have been using them long ago - so ready for that be done with - 15 more sessions until summer break).

I hate putting my DH in the middle but it is his family, he totally understands where I am coming from and agrees that how his family has been treating me (way, way more crap than what I listed here but general being made the scapgoat for any little thing that bothers them even if DH said something, always comes back to me and other stuff) is not right.  He said he would talk to his father but we both know that his father will never say sorry and nothing will change.

 What would you do at this point?  I am planning to just stick to my plan for now but I really hate this situation and don't want it to cause stress with DH and I and for our girls. 

LoCarb

I think you should stick w/ your plan and limit the amt time with the IL's. Maybe (fingers crossed) they miss spending time w/ you and alone time w/ the girls and will be more receptive to talking, listening and willing to change some of their behavior in the future.

2Gma

I face a very similiar situation with my ILs so I know what you are feeling.  Its tough because you want to keep the relationship for the sake of your DH and kids.  My ILs also tend to pin things on me rather than DH.  Last fall we sat down to talk, I thought it would help, it didn't.  FIL said some pretty harsh things about me.  He later apologized but I have a feeling that he meant it.  MIL stayed pretty mum but she is so afraid of not seeing her only grandkids that she will say sorry (in a condescending tone) even if she doesn't mean it.  What I'm trying to say is, we've tried talking things over and honestly I feel like things should have stayed buried.  The best thing I've found is to limit our time with them to avoid their ridiculous and controlling behavior so I agree with your avoidance plan.  We are civil to each other now and they are easier to be around when you see eachother less often.

CubbyMama

A lot of what you said sounds similar to our situation with IL's.  DH didn't even realize how ridiculous their behavior can be until I pretty much stopped dealing with them altogether, and then it was directed at HIM.  Then, he got sick of it pretty quickly.

It's hard.  I think MIL has mental health issues and FIL does nothing but cower before her and enable her.  He wants the rest of us to do the same, but I have had enough of her turning every single communication with them into lies and drama, and now so has DH.  We've been out of contact with them for a few months, and now they're back at it again, showing up at SIL's house to tell her they "tried to reconcile with us but we're not letting them see the girls."  She told them flat-out that she knows DH and I offered to start over with them if they could agree to be honest with and about us, and that we would treat each other with respect...and that they absolutely ignored that letter AND have refused to give us back our wedding video.  Now they're acting shocked that they weren't invited to DD2's bday party this weekend and want to play the victims. 

I just can't deal with them anymore, and it makes me sad that they're not getting any time with their granddaughters, but at the same time, I don't think it's good for the girls to be around MIL when she's so manipulative and throws tantrums and flat-out makes things up all the time.  No one gets a free pass to treat us badly, and allowing that wouldn't set a good example for the girls, so as much as I know it hurts IL's, we just aren't at a point where we can be around them right now.  It's their own fault, but it's still a shame for the girls.

I think all you can do is have boundaries.  DH needs to tell his dad that he had two choices: treat you with respect, or not see any of you.  And then he needs to follow through.  That's what we're in the middle of right now, and the following through isn't pretty for anyone, but if we ever do decide to try dealing with IL's again, I think they might think twice before starting up any of their nonsense again, because they know we have no problem cutting them out of our lives entirely.  You and your DH don't even have to be mean about it--it's just like dealing with a toddler.  "When you do X, Y will happen.  Your choice."  GL!

Littlejen22

Even though you are right you are biting he hand that feeds you, they can refuse to drive to speech or tell your DD whatever they want in the car.  I would not want to excuse yourself from the visits either or they might have free rein. I would just get through to summer and find other plans if needed for next year and then really limit things. 

jlw2505

Littlejen22:

Even though you are right you are biting he hand that feeds you, they can refuse to drive to speech or tell your DD whatever they want in the car.  I would not want to excuse yourself from the visits either or they might have free rein. I would just get through to summer and find other plans if needed for next year and then really limit things. 

  Speech is the one thing that is so hard - if they refuse to take her, I will figure something out even if its means talking to my boss about adjusting my hours and my DD would tell me what is discussed in the car as she always does.  Typically my MIL just hands my DD her ipad and then ignores her!  DH has agreed that if he sees his parents without me that the visits would be very short and he would be with the kids the whole time so I'm not worried about that and I know he would not make them long visits, more like meeting at a park for an hour or for a fast dinner out as he would not want me left on my own for long and away from the girls on the weekend which is our family time.  Trust me, if I could stop all visits for now, I would but I can't do that right now and need to leave that up to DH and he is not there at this time and I need to trust that.  My ILs would not do anything to hurt my kids or say anything negative to them.  The issue is with me and not my kids so I am not worried in that sense.