Unique situation with SO and his EW..

cj1202

If you found out your ex was having a baby with someone else, what would your reaction be?

Well when my SO told his ex about us having a baby -- she flipped out. Up until this point they had a good "working" relationship and respected each other and worked together to make their kids lives as unchanged as possible.

 Now yes, I get her fear-- that this baby will come in and take away from HER kids. Thats a natural reaction. However, I'm not like that -- and I know how important his time with his kids are, and that well all have to make some compromises, but I would never have him cut out time with them. 

Well, she went off on him, said that he is no longer welcome in her home, wants to take him to court ( when they divorced - they didn't go to court over the children, they settled that between themselves (he has them 50% of the time, pays their insurance , along with a part of hers, pays her child support, pays all of their athletic fees, coaches all of their sports, and is just and overall wonderful dad) has been ignoring him. He has to find out where his kids are through friends of friends because she wont respond to him. And he also has to hear from other friends that she is having an anxiety attack and a breakdown...

 I'm sorry, but is this a logical response of someone who has been divorced for 6+yrs, shes the one who wanted the divorce, and has had boyfriend of 2+ years?

 I asked him.. WHY is she so upset? He said: because we're not married???  Funny thing is... him and his ex had a kid before they were married. I get her being upset, but saying and doing the things she's done.. I can't help but think: Did she not think he was ever going to move on and that this was a possibility?

 Worst part of this, is now  SO has become so distant. He's hurt that he's upset the mother of his children this horribly. And when I try to talk to him about it-- he said it doesn't concern me, that I shouldn't worry about it. 

Just not sure what to do  

Littlejen22

Is that a normal response?  IMHO no.  But I do understand not wanting the father of your kid to have a child out of wedlock even if she did, now that she has a child she might want to see things done in the "proper" order.  And she probably imagined that her child would always be his only child, the most important person in his life and not having to share that with anyone.  FWIW she probably does not understand why she feels the way she does either but even if it is not logical she seems to feel betrayed, or that her child was betrayed.

I wish I had advice though, even though I am very anti-having kids before marriage, it sucks that you guys are going through this. 

cole2144

Seriously that is crazy. It is none of her business if you and your SO are married are not, maybe BM should be more concerned about when your SC knows how to do the math and figures out "he was born out of wedlock." Who even uses this term anymore? 6 years later and she still reacts like this, wonder how that makes her BF feel. In my situation, it`s been over 3 years since their breakup and BM despises me even though I take excellent care of her child.

honeybee #1

That is very far from normal. It sounds like she is still very emotional about your SO and PP was right, it's none of her business. If she wants to take you to court let her, but if she continues to make it hard to see their child then your SO needs to take her to court instead. And if that were my SO distancing himself because the ex was upset I would be royally ticked off at him.

fellesferie

I don't know. How long ago did he tell her? If it was recent, maybe time will pass and cooler heads will prevail. Maybe she just had a bad, kneejerk reaction.

If it's been awhile and nothing has gotten better, then yeah, I think it's pretty weird.

For her to get this upset, and then for your SO to be distant and hurt, it sounds like they might have some confusing boundaries. Perhaps this is an indication that some things need to change. Maybe it's time for him to get an attorney so that he can protect his rights.

If my XH and I had no CO, and he was going to have another baby, I would definitely take him to court. I would absolutely insist on having child support, insurance, parenting time, etc all in writing and filed. Things change when another baby comes into the picture, and she needs to protect her kids. I don't think that it's at all wrong or weird that she wants to do that.

Ilumine

Honestly, if my ex was about to have another child and I did not have a CO (well, I would have had one...and I thought that most sates required Custody Orders when there were divorces...) you bett your hiney-butt I would be going to court.

My first priority is to ensure that the children already here - MY CHILD - are provided for as they have always been provided for. That means no "I cant pay for this months insurance becuase I have to pay for new baby's formula and diapers". It means no "we have to change visitation at the lat minute becuase the new baby's grandparents decided to come to town. So I stepped of this weekend we will take next...so what if you have plans,"

She doesn't know you...you are just the woman who got pregnant by the father of her children. Why WOULD she believe that you have their best interest at heart? 

 

FutureMrsWittig

No, not a rational, logical response.  But love never makes us rational or logical (even love that's "expired" so to say).

Are you guys going to get married?  If she claims that's her problem with it, there's an easy enough solution... He'd be setting a good example for his kids...  Idk, obviously her freak out isn't a reason to get married.  But if you are together, having a baby, planning to stay together.... etc... 

Just my $.02

emikat

My SS's BM wasn't thrilled with the news that we were expecting.  But she reacted gracefully and said congratulations.  At our joint counseling session the only concern she raised was that SS would want to live with us all of the time once the baby arrives because he loves other kids.

In your case, I think as other PP mentioned she's probably just trying to protect her child with the thought of going back to court.  But the other reactions suggest that there are indeed boundary issues.  If my DH reacted that way about upsetting SS's BM in my household, I would not feel comfortable at all.