PPA/PPOCD one year later
A year ago today, I was reading this forum and sobbing. I saw a post by Jenny1980 about OCD and realized, "That's what I have, that's what's wrong with me."
At that point, I hadn't eaten or slept in almost two weeks. I barely remember the days leading up to Easter, but that weekend I was so anxious, I couldn't hold my baby, couldn't even look at him. I couldn't get any help because it was the holiday weekend. My mom took me to the ER the next morning and I was diagnosed with pretty much everything - PPA/PPOCD, PPD. I was totally crippled. I couldn't take care of my son or myself.
I started an intensive cognitive therapy program that helped me understand the anxiety and break the cycle. For me, it was about accepting doubt. A plane could fall on the house. He might get sick and die someday. I, or my husband could hurt him. Anything CAN happen. But it probably won't. (And it didn't.)
By September, I was out of therapy. I started enjoying my baby. He is the center of my life - the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. He is worth every scary thought, every humiliating visit to the doctor, every fear I had to face.
When I started cognitive therapy, the nurse told me OCD is one of the hardest things to face. We don't like to talk about it, don't want to think about it, don't want anyone to know.
If you think you have PPOCD, or PPA or PPD, you might feel like you have no where to turn or no one to talk to, or everything is just too bad to ever be better. You do. It will. You can talk to your OBGYN - they've heard everything, trust me. You can tell your mom. You can go to the ER. No one is going to take your baby. The only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to get better.
I will probably never meet Jenny1980 but I owe her my life. If I hadn't seen her post, I'm sure my baby would have been fine, but I'm not sure I would have been. I hope I can do the same for someone else.
Re: PPA/PPOCD one year later
Oh wow! I just happened to get on tonight and saw this. I am so, so touched that my post made a difference for you and SO happy you have made such a beautiful recovery.
And you are so right: there is SO much to be hopeful about when it comes to recovering from PPD/PPA/PPOCD. It seems so overwhelming when you're in it, but you CAN move past it. There is help out there (and people here to support you as well).
Peace to you, mama. So glad you are enjoying your baby and life.
Yay! Jenny, I'm glad you saw this. Thank you so much for being upfront about OCD. Even after being on the boards and researching pregnancy into the ground, I had never heard about intrusive thoughts. That's weird, because (thanks to my five months of therapy) I know everyone HAS them, it's just people with OCD have to worry about them. A lot.
Ellas, if you haven't read it, "The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts" by Lee Baer was an amazing relief for me.
I wish people were more upfront about the incidence of intrusive thoughts (both health care providers and people suffering from them): it was SUCH a huge relief to know how common they are and that nothing was "wrong" with me.