Known Donor Question??????

LV1979

When DW and I first started talking babies we said we would love to use a known donor for a multitude of reasons.  We are clear that we want to be strictly the moms and KD could be the "special uncle."  We had two guys we wanted to ask but chose to go with frozen pop from a bank for our first 3 tries just because it is less complicated.  Well a conversation came up with one of the guys we would like to use and he has offered to be our donor and is super excited about it (he is gay and said he would love to make some babies with us with as much contact with any children as we wanted whether it be none or like I said the "special uncle".  Obviously we have a lot more conversations to iron out the details and such but there is a huge complication.  He lives in Boston and we live just south of Baltimore. 

Has anyone used a KD that lived in a different state?  DW is a teacher and I am a grad student so we have three really free months coming up and travel to and from Boston would not be an issue (we love roadtrippin anyway).  We have spent the past couple of years prepping for using an unknown, frozen donor dad and now have a lot of research to do. I looked up having him bank and ship the sperm but it is almost as expensive as using sperm bank donor sperm.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated? 

mypalbabs

We're using frozen donor-release sperm for a whole host of reasons, but it sounds like you have a great opportunity here.  If I were in your situation, I would totally road trip up where your donor is around ovulation time each month you're on break and make the most of this wonderful window of opportunity!

See if you can work with your midwife or doctor to learn good insemination technique.  (We use a speculum, syringe, and tomcat catheter to do an ICI - which resulted in a successful insemination on the first try.  ((lost that pregnancy, but that's a story for a different day.))

You may want to draw up a legal document outlining the relationship/contact the donor will have or not have with the child just to protect yourselves if the donor has a change of heart later on.  The laws tend to favor "bio parents".

hlke

LV, that sounds like a great option if it works out for everyone involved.

This is our situation right now.  We're using a KD who lives 4 hours away in another state.  DW works full time but has a lot of flexibility in her schedule, which is essential to making this work.  We'll be doing our first insemination in about 2 weeks.

 The biggest issue logistically seems to be timing.  We've charted DW's cycles, and she ovulates between CD 15 and CD 17, and we're also using OPKs for timing/confirmation.  So basically the day she gets a + OPK, we're going to get in the car, inseminate that night, the next day, and possibly the day after if it works out schedule-wise.

In terms of working out arrangements with a known donor, I highly recommend Stephanie Brill's "The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth".  It talks about all the testing, known donor contracts, and discussions you should have with your KD.  It was indispensible for us.

 I know that tdmklm also drove some distance for their known donor, so hopefully she'll chime in. 

tdmklm

hlke:

I know that tdmklm also drove some distance for their known donor, so hopefully she'll chime in. 

Here I am, here I am!

We used a known donor about 3 1/2 hours away. It got tricky sometimes with timing, but I would do it again in a heartbeat (and very well may if I can convince my wife! ). It sounds like you guys will have the flexibility you need at least for the next few months, so I think you should go for it!

LolaBelle515

What a wonderful option to consider. Every state is different, so you will need to look into your specific state...but in Minnesota, here is what we had to think about:

 As the previous poster mentioned, you will need a legal contract with him.  It is not only to protect your legal rights with the child (if he went off the deep end and sued for legal rights...because legally, he has them until the non-bio mom could adopt), but ALSO to protect him:  if something happened to the bio-mom before the adoption was complete, he would be financially responsible for the child in the eyes of the law and you don't want to put him in that position.  There are lawyers who specialize in "gay adoption law" so look for those; they'll know what to do where you are.

 

Have a few more conversations with your donor.  Some questions:

1. Do you want him to take a full STD test--one now and one immediately before the first insemination?  Does he have any hereditary diseases that run in his family or is he a carrier or anything genetic.

2. What type of "abstaining" do you want him to do during the cycles right before you are insemination. This includes both masturbation (so that his sperm count doesn't lower in the few days before insemination) and sexual contact (safe sex? no sex? for STD purposes...)--obviously, this would be affected if he is single/in a monogomous relationship.

 3. How many cycles will he commit it? We discovered through the process that it was better for all parties to commit to the same number of cycles together, so that there was less stress of "what about this month? next month? etc).

 4. Does he have any major travel plans coming up?  It sounds like your summers are flexible, but what about his? We didn't consider our donor's schedule in advance...and it turned out to be a little crazy. It obviously worked, but we should have figured out his schedule in advance.

5. Discuss in advance what type of updates/information he wants during pregnancy.  We didn't discuss that with our donor and realize there were some questions along that way that we should have cleared up.  

 

Finally, the key to using a known donor is open communication and trust.  If you've got that, I think it's a wonderful  opportunity all around and a very special thing to go through together:) 

Best of luck--when it comes to inseminations, if you have specific questions, feel free to ask since it's a slightly different process.  The ladies here were certainly very helpful to us.

 

 

rgorenwatts

Hi there,

Sounds like you have a lot of great advice here about  conversations to have with the potential KD and legal issues to look into and make sure you're on top of.  One piece I will add that it took us a while to learn about when using a known donor long distance- there is a kit that you can buy that allows you to ship unfrozen, fresh across the country using fedex!  We used these kits for over a year.  While we did not have successful pregnancy with them and needed to go to IVF to achieve pregnancy, the midwife who did IUIs with us with the shipped sperm said that they looked very good and healthy under a microscope, so I think the kits worked well.  I have also seen many people post online that they did get pregnant using the kits.  The way they work is that he mixes in a substance that prolongs the life and then ships it overnight on cold packs in an insulated package.  All necessary materials and instructions are included with the kit.

We got the kits from two different places:

1 -https://www.zdlinc.com/zdl_semen_shipping.html where they call it Biotranz

and

2 - https://www.donorhomedelivery.com/ where they call it donor home delivery kits.  

The second one is connected to gayspermbank.com I prefer the guy at the second one, Leland.  He was amazing and happy to have longer discussions with us when we were having trouble with what services medical providers were offering us or not due to the fact that our doctor said they don't like known donors.  (As if we care what they like.) The first place I linked to seems to be cheaper and we did get kits from them for many months, but I found them to be a little sketchy.  Anyway, just wanted to pass along that bit of knowledge.  Good luck and let us know if you have questions!

 

hanncanna

Perfect advice from PPs but I thought I'd chime in. My KD lives 3 houses down from me but we decided to have his donation made at the doctor's office then frozen, etc. We went to this additional expense so that he could do his tasks within a short period of time (about a month for FDA blood tests, clearance, psych appointment, 3 donation drop offs) and then we could use the donation whenever the time appeared. That way he wasn't having to hop to it according to our schedule.

 Also, we live in FL and I am sure you all have heard about the legal situation here...having the donor deal with the doctor and the doctor deal with us severed the donor's legal rights to the children (I'm pregnant with twins). This made it a lot less risky from a legal perspective for us.